Putting you back on the shelf....

It's been a long time writing on here. I've had a new blog in the works for awhile now. This blog is full of the past and old memories that are ready to be placed back on the shelf in the closet. I continue to move forward so please join me in a new chapter of my life and a new shoebox we can store new memories in. http://msfunkmuffin.wordpress.com/ (*coming soon*)

Here is a song to say "see you soon"....never goodbye!

~its raining~

Bird of Summer

I am sitting outside, the sky is pink and blue and the clouds look like all different shapes of birds. There are birds flying circles around me..."tweetly" chirping and it's the prettiest picture attached with most beautiful song.

Reminds me of a tune by A Fine Frenzy....
Playing it and being in this moment right now, everything just seems so magical.

Enjoy!

......
Alright so I know some of you might think this is one heck of a cheesy movie and that's ok. However, I don't :)
I love it. I watch it and it helps me hold onto hope and allows my heart to remember and dream. Why??
Well....truth is... I have a Lorenzo out there. (Throughout this blog to protect his name I will call him "my lorenzo".) A man - a true love I walked away from.
......
The ONLY thing that was not right about our story is the timing. Usually on my account. Actually always on my account. I always seemed to be in moments of brokeness whenever we were together and out of loyalty to my family or feelings of unworthiness I would push him away. Doing that left me feeling more and more broken over the years.
......
I have secretly compared him to every man I have ever met ...which.... is why I am still single. I have loved others but not like I did "him" and I thought well maybe since we've moved on in our lives and years have passed that I could find it out there again. But nope. Instead I'd see qualities he possessed in some men but that would make me miss "my lorenzo" even more and annoyed with whoever I was dating because it still wasn't like how "he" was. I have kept him on a pedestal and no man has ever compared. How do I get past that....or question is Do I even want to...???
......
So where am I at this very moment....
Laying on my patio
Mixing my tears with the rain
Playing 2 songs in particular OVER and OVER
Drifting off to dream
Wondering what it would be like to be "Claire" and seeing her love after 50 years
Remembering sweetly
and realizing how lucky I am to have had a love like that.
Memories of him make me smile and his spirit makes my heart dance.
......
Truth be told
It's better to have loved than to never have loved at all.

Singin a New Song

I've always thought of May as my month of bad luck. This year something changed in my universe. All that I feared was actually teaching me a lesson and I was too stubborn to realize it. As I sat down with my therapist on the 31st of May she brought to my attention at exactly 11:11am that it was my 111th visit. I did what I always do when I see 111's: I made a wish. My wish was for that day to be just a day.... and.... that it was. All of a sudden I had the most loveliest of memories fill my mind. I couldn't believe that for the past however many years I was stuck fearing the worst and remembering the not so good when in all reality so many amazing things happened in May and those memories and the new ones I am making I will hold dear and happily think about.

Now I'm sitting here today on June 2nd. Reflecting and smiling. Three years ago today my sweet little boy was born. We had a huge party and the love that filled our home was above and beyond what I had ever expected. Everyone that either messaged us online, phoned or attended the party has had a huge impact in our lives and just their bit of presence today was and is a special gift...a gift to the heart. The day was complete and made even more perfect after receiving a very unexpected message from someone who has a very special place in my heart. Someone who has walked through every shadow of darkness and every ray of light whether with me or from afar. Just that simple little message had more meaning to it that they will ever know.

My heart is drifting off into another realm - the rain awaits and then I will try this again :)

Thank you to all who made today TODAY!!

I love you

- We love you!

Before I forget here is my new theme song for my new year:

Enjoy!!

http://voiceproject.org/index.php?id=145785511

How The Day Sounds :)

Dreaming

The lyrics to this song are so beautiful and allow me to rest my head and dream.

Lele’s Song
Words and music by Bruno Merz

Far away, ends a summer day.
And the breeze it carries your quiet sigh.

‘Cos you’re tired today, and sleep won’t come,
Pretty bird, why do you hide your head and cry.

Ooh, there is a love that stays now.
Ooh, let it all fly away now.
Ooh, lie awake and you’ll find love waiting.

Little one, how far you’ve come,
Down a path that never was and easy one.
So rest your head, come lay it down.
Hear the wind calling you to fly the moonlit clouds.

Since my divorce I've struggled in the dating world. Some men added to the heartache, some so comical and outright redonkulous I'm laughing just thinking of them (but good laughter I wouldn't change anything about those moments, and some I hold dear to my heart, all in which have taught me to open up my heart
a little more and more. "The One" I have yet to find but I dream he is out there and one day........well.........one day.

Lucy Schwartz - Gravity [Official Music Video]

Starlight Starbright

Laptop

Night Tea

Jammies

Ipod's Heartsongs

And the night sky full of stars just awaiting wishes of all sorts.

May......

It's exactly that....... Dot... Dot... Dot

Since I was 12 years old May has been full of bad luck. This year, tables have turned....so far. We still have a few days left. I'm not focused on the "what if's" like I once was. Now I just give a heartfelt "thanks" for each day I make it through.

One occurence in particular has my heart going a little wonky

May 31st
The day "he" came into my life
As well as the day "he" walked out of my life.

This put the cherry on top of the shit sundae's I had been served May after May.
The difference this year from the ones before is I'm closer to the top of the mountain I've been climbing the last few years.

For the havoc I've given my exhusband for what he put me and my family through and as hurt as I still am, I am thankful. Sometimes the best lessons in life are learned through a time of pain. When I was young I used to dream I could fly. It's become my motto in life. "Live life learning to fly" There is a reason for everything right. Well perhaps my marriage to Justin was for the mere purpose that he was the one to give me the gift of wings in order for me to fly. Without him I wouldn't have gone through the amount of healing I have. My life has changed. My heart has this love and hope and wonder within that had never existed before. So how can I not be thankful. He forced me to live again.

There is a poem that is not only my favorite but has become my signature...
It's by a french poet named Guillaume Apollinaire
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We're afraid."
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We will fall."
"Come to the edge."
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.

Justin pushed me to the edge. I was falling and just as I was about to hit the rock bottom....
I flew.
Now I thank you!
So now I shalt not celebrate the anniversary of the upcoming date with regret but with thanks.
I love him so dearly for giving me this gift....

Always.

Here is my new May theme song.
Come fly with me.....and enjoy................................. <3
Posted above :)