to just be!
I wish it were easy. Oh how I pray everyday for the strength, the peace, the guidance, comfort and love and the will to just let it all go and trust in Him, the only One that can and will and do.
I have been trying to just be. To be ok with where I am. To know that I am loved to know that I am accepted and respected...by my children, by friends, by family, and by the Lord. What I am trying to understand is Why and How does it hurt so much to know is how I let one man, one Justin Seitz bother me so much. I feel like after what he has done and what he continues to do I should not even want his name to cross my mind but it crosses it and I feel my heart break each time.
It all still seems so surreal, like this is all just a bad dream. A dream I want to wake up from and not ever go back to. But in reality it's when I dream that I have a break from it all. When I wake up it's still there. I was searching for answers, truths and now that I have them in one way it's been so helpful, a step forward that I was able to take in the healing process but also a step back with more questions of why and how. How could a man I loved so much and trusted with my everything, that was my best friend, how could he trick me so easily. How can he continue to lie and treat me with such distaste and hatred. How can he forget his children the way he does. How can he talk about me like I'm some kind of troll, when he said he loved me so much and we were so happy, why wouldn't he be proud of that and honor that and not walk around talking trash. How? Why? To justify his behaviour, to feed his narcissism, to make himself feel like he's doing right. To trick more women, does he get a kick out of hurting others, is it a game, is it fun to make someone feel like they are nothing. After he ended things with the last woman I was really hoping that that would be it, but nope. Who knows how many others there have been but what I do know is that there is one. One woman. I don't know if what I did was right but impulsively I caved. When I heard who she was I emailed this woman thinking maybe if I approach her in a way of concern (which I am) that hearing from another woman would open her eyes and she would start to see Justin for who he is. But nope....I think instead it pushed them closer together. Then I realized I can't reach her, no one but God can redirect this situation. No email in the world. See when there is another woman in Justin's life he can't focus on anything but that. It doesn't matter that he has 4 children or what those children are doing or feeling. It makes me sad, sad for them, angry and frustrated that I just have to sit and be quiet. I have tried to dish out some sarcasm, finally trying to reach him at one point because he seems to listen to sarcasm but even that didn't matter. So now I say nothing. I do nothing.
I want so much for all of this to go away. I want to be over this and to move on and to give my kids my utmost happiness and enjoyment and not have this crap in the back of my mind all the time. I hate moments like this where I feel completely overwhelmed with thought he's out there thinking he's got it all, when really all he has is job and this woman. When in all reality and what I need to focus more on is that that's nothing. Jobs come and go and the flavor of the week always changes. What I've come to realize even when my kids are sick and we're running around to appointment after appointment, struggling with dishing out medicines or discipline, sleepless nights, diaper change after diaper change, attitudes, tears, sibling fights, toys to pick up, up early, up late, more messes to clean up, laundry piling these are joys...things I GET TO DO!!!!! And I am loving every second of it even when I'm stressed to the max because I am here....I am here everyday and I have been given the gift and the chance to have my children all to myself. I wouldn't change places with Justin in a heartbeat. Aside from those little things, I get so many I love you's that I can't keep track, smile after smile, hugs, kisses, stories, playtime, pictures, cuddles in movies, more hugs, I get to teach them right from wrong, help them be somebody, kiss their booboo's, wipe their tears, brush their teeth and their hair, buy them treats and toys and watch them light up, eat dinner with them, pray with them, see their excitement, meet their friends, have snacks with them, tend to their every need, nurse them back to health, experience their everythings and that is the biggest blessing out of this whole mess. I get to be a mommy and I get to be loved every second of every day by these precious little people. They make me excited for where I need to be a minute from now. I want these thoughts to be my every thought, nomore of this foolish foolish ungreatful person. No more trying to convince him of what he's missing out on because he doesn't give a hoot anyways with every breath and every once of love I waste on that man, is a breath I just wasted for myself and my kids. Time to put it back where it belongs, give my kids that little extra bit of me!!!
I started writing this post feeling low and now as I finish off I'm realizing just what I need to be thinking about at this very moment. To my readers, thank you. Thank you for allowing this to be a safe place for me to vent and share especially when I have these moments of highs and lows. Hopefully my stories and my feelings will be of more happy joyful things and no more sadness. Still my goal for 2009.....good thing it's only January. I have a lot of time to make sure this year rocks!!!
Blessings..... ;0)
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Well...Well...
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
- Abraham Lincoln
I think that quote sums up exactly how I feel.
- Abraham Lincoln
I think that quote sums up exactly how I feel.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Happy New Year!!
Wow....2009!!
To start the New Year off.....I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:)
I miss blogging. To be honest it's very therepeutic for me. Even if no one reads it. I'm not here to bash anyone (even though sometimes it might come across that way...or be a whiner or cry baby...I"m here to be real, and open and be free in thought. There is a lot going on in my life, a lot of heart ache yet and yet a lot of great things are also happening. Maybe expressing things in blogger world will help me not feel so alone at times.
Tonight was blessed and broken all at the same time.
Blessed being...I got to ring in the new year the best way possible. My 4 little ones and me, pizza, munchies, icecream, Wall-e, skip bo and the countdown and prayer. Cohen didn't last, he went to sleep long before the countdown, Brady....well Brady never sleeps so he's always in party mode. Carter and Emily, they couldn't believe I let them stay up to midnight. Hillariously trying to understand how it could possible be "next year". *(Brady is sitting beside me in bed blowing spit bubbles at me...now I remember how difficult blogging can be at times :))* I am excited to see what new cute little things my children will share with me this new year.
As for brokeness...that is something I'm working very hard to overcome. This chain of events with Justin has been the hardest thing I think I've ever had to go through. It should be easy to let go of someone who is so hurtful and cruel day after day however as easy as it is to think so it's harder to do so. Lately his focus has been off of the kids completely. He is there for his 2 hour visit and that's about it. The kids are suffering once again. After his last relationship ended he was starting to do right by his kids making them somewhat a priority...a work in progress and it was nice to see, but now that there is someone new he could care less about hurting the family around him. New Years was always big for us. We usually spent it with our friend Eric and Kristin and always with our children playing games, having tons of fun and prayin in the new year. Something Justin held dear, so this time it was hard knowing he was out partying and sharing that midnight kiss with someone else missing out on his kids enjoyment. This is what I'm working on trying to get over. I've never wanted my family torn apart and that's a stab wound that is not healing as fast as I would like but what can I do but leave all of this in the Lord's hands and know we'll be taken care of either way. It's hard dealing with his selfishness day in and day out, hearing over and over again how he faked being happy (which I truly don't buy but doesn't make it any easier to hear) and I just have to start saying to myself, he doesn't deserve us. I have finally figured out the real reason why he left us and it's not that he didn't love me anymore it's that he couldn't handle keeping it together back in saskatoon...too much distraction, he missed being a bachelor and having a life of no responsibility, and well with our family because of it's size it's busy and he just couldn't take it anymore. If that wasn't the case he would be here helping as much as possible, bring his baby up knowing who his daddy is but he isn't. He's turning out to be nothing but a stranger to us all.
So my new years resolution is to move forward, continue letting go and letting God. To work on finding forgiveness and happiness especially in the lonely times. To be the best mom I can possibly be. To have less weak moments and continue on the path of healing. I know it won't be easy and I have to be still and patient knowing all will come in due time but I'm willing to do the work and blog my way through it, the good the bad and the ugly. Laughter and tears I will make it my everything to be free from all of this and give my children nothing but the best!!
To start the New Year off.....I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:)
I miss blogging. To be honest it's very therepeutic for me. Even if no one reads it. I'm not here to bash anyone (even though sometimes it might come across that way...or be a whiner or cry baby...I"m here to be real, and open and be free in thought. There is a lot going on in my life, a lot of heart ache yet and yet a lot of great things are also happening. Maybe expressing things in blogger world will help me not feel so alone at times.
Tonight was blessed and broken all at the same time.
Blessed being...I got to ring in the new year the best way possible. My 4 little ones and me, pizza, munchies, icecream, Wall-e, skip bo and the countdown and prayer. Cohen didn't last, he went to sleep long before the countdown, Brady....well Brady never sleeps so he's always in party mode. Carter and Emily, they couldn't believe I let them stay up to midnight. Hillariously trying to understand how it could possible be "next year". *(Brady is sitting beside me in bed blowing spit bubbles at me...now I remember how difficult blogging can be at times :))* I am excited to see what new cute little things my children will share with me this new year.
As for brokeness...that is something I'm working very hard to overcome. This chain of events with Justin has been the hardest thing I think I've ever had to go through. It should be easy to let go of someone who is so hurtful and cruel day after day however as easy as it is to think so it's harder to do so. Lately his focus has been off of the kids completely. He is there for his 2 hour visit and that's about it. The kids are suffering once again. After his last relationship ended he was starting to do right by his kids making them somewhat a priority...a work in progress and it was nice to see, but now that there is someone new he could care less about hurting the family around him. New Years was always big for us. We usually spent it with our friend Eric and Kristin and always with our children playing games, having tons of fun and prayin in the new year. Something Justin held dear, so this time it was hard knowing he was out partying and sharing that midnight kiss with someone else missing out on his kids enjoyment. This is what I'm working on trying to get over. I've never wanted my family torn apart and that's a stab wound that is not healing as fast as I would like but what can I do but leave all of this in the Lord's hands and know we'll be taken care of either way. It's hard dealing with his selfishness day in and day out, hearing over and over again how he faked being happy (which I truly don't buy but doesn't make it any easier to hear) and I just have to start saying to myself, he doesn't deserve us. I have finally figured out the real reason why he left us and it's not that he didn't love me anymore it's that he couldn't handle keeping it together back in saskatoon...too much distraction, he missed being a bachelor and having a life of no responsibility, and well with our family because of it's size it's busy and he just couldn't take it anymore. If that wasn't the case he would be here helping as much as possible, bring his baby up knowing who his daddy is but he isn't. He's turning out to be nothing but a stranger to us all.
So my new years resolution is to move forward, continue letting go and letting God. To work on finding forgiveness and happiness especially in the lonely times. To be the best mom I can possibly be. To have less weak moments and continue on the path of healing. I know it won't be easy and I have to be still and patient knowing all will come in due time but I'm willing to do the work and blog my way through it, the good the bad and the ugly. Laughter and tears I will make it my everything to be free from all of this and give my children nothing but the best!!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Wow, where does the time go. Sometimes signing into blogger depresses me a bit because 1) I haven't had much time to write 2) I used to write such happy wonderful things about my family and since Justin's been gone some things are just too hard to write about 3) I see the lilypie clocks on the sidebar and realize how big my kids are getting and how fast the baby is growing. Which I mean indeed are all good things but ughhh seriously time is just going by a little too fast.
We have had a very very busy few weeks. Proof of that would be my laundry that is piled sky high...literally!! I did take a break for a day and had a cleaner come in however she provided more entertainment than anything. We've had some illnesses run through the house and at one point all 4 of my sweeties were sick. Soon after that my younger two babies were diagnosed with Asthma. All my boys are on puffers now. Brady... well we're hoping it's asthma and that the meds help clear up his symptoms because the doctors other option is bronchopulmonary dysplesia...yeah we don't want that. Asthma isn't great but I would choose that than the other.
Halloween was a ton of fun. We have sooo much candy (love it!!)...especially since I can't run out for midnight snack runs. This weekend I finally got to get out and have a little fun, not entirely on my own as I was accompanied by a very cute little man as my date.......he did cry ALOT so we had to cut the evening a little short but it was still so nice. It was just so cool to finally go out and hang out with my lovely sister and just have fun. I can't wait to do it again on Thursday....yeah BSB FOR LIFE!!!!!!
Aside from being physically busy it's been let's just say emotionally busy as well. I can't even go into explaining the ridiculousness the past few weeks. All I can say is this. I've had it with people who are so extremely selfish and who view the sacrament of marriage as a spoof. Seldom honor the Lord, vows are taken as a joke, people are taken for granted and others lives are just of no importance. It's ME ME ME world and it just disgusts me. However on the flip side I have realized that I need to just step back and focus on God a lot more. Matthew 14: Peter's Prayer is well...exactly how I've felt. I have been Peter looking around focusing on the storm happening around me instead of looking right in front of me and taking Jesus' hand and walking on the water with Him. I'm trying and it's a work in progress to be focused and actually as soon as I was feeling super focused... pow bam bang..... all of a sudden a person from my past just pops up completely unexpected. TOTALLY in a state of shock still. However feelings of fear and worry are slowly turning into feelings of peace and closure. Once I actually process what has happened this past week I will make a new posting but as for now.....I gotta look straight ahead.
Here are some timbits of what's happening for my little ones.
Brady is now 5mths...AHH. Yes 5 mths. I still consider him well 4 mths and well he is a baby baby and taking his sweet time which I just love. He's so in love with his toes, his feeties are always slobbery. He has started making strange and is still refusing the bottle. He's so happy and cuddly. His little asthma puffer is so tiny and I get choked up everytime I give it to him. :(
Cohen is well silly as always. He is talking more and more and coming up with words I didn't even know I could say ;) He is still so passionate about sports and well....he lives and breaths it. I have a heck of a time getting on his winter coat because he would rather wear the jacket he calls the basketball jacket even though there are no balls on it. The other day we were at playland having lunch and he decided to flash everyone. Walked in pulled down his pants lifted up his shirt and showed everyone his lovely diaper, then giggled and ran off to play.
Carter is becoming quite the little scholar. His reading and writing are coming along so nicely. He's been hurting a lot lately however the way he expresses himself is amazing. He's really starting to help me a lot more around the home which is nice for me and for Emily. His little best friend Olivia has been helping him and spending a lot of time with him which I'm so grateful for. They are just soooo cute together and just click, they don't have to fight about what to play and just get along always. He loves having a best friend again.
Emily....oh my sweet girl. She is turning 10. DOUBLE DIGITS. Oy. Thursday I am taking her to her first real concert and then Saturday she is having a pool party with her friends and Monday for her actual day we'll have some family time with cake and good food and quality time. She has been just absolutely broken these past 5mths and to see such a little girl deal with sooo much pain is just unbearable. But she still amidst her own tragedy finds time to help me out and spend time with her brothers and still just be a kid. Which is why I am excited to buy her more dolly's and pet shop and polly pockets and barbies for birthdays' and Christmas. Preserve it as long as possible.
Well that's it for me. I've been just pooped lately and it's time to go and get some rest especially before Brady wakes up for his feeding.
Thank you for the support and prayers today and everyday and may God bless every minute from this moment forward.
Even though I don't write much I love you all who stick with me and patiently wait for my next post.
We have had a very very busy few weeks. Proof of that would be my laundry that is piled sky high...literally!! I did take a break for a day and had a cleaner come in however she provided more entertainment than anything. We've had some illnesses run through the house and at one point all 4 of my sweeties were sick. Soon after that my younger two babies were diagnosed with Asthma. All my boys are on puffers now. Brady... well we're hoping it's asthma and that the meds help clear up his symptoms because the doctors other option is bronchopulmonary dysplesia...yeah we don't want that. Asthma isn't great but I would choose that than the other.
Halloween was a ton of fun. We have sooo much candy (love it!!)...especially since I can't run out for midnight snack runs. This weekend I finally got to get out and have a little fun, not entirely on my own as I was accompanied by a very cute little man as my date.......he did cry ALOT so we had to cut the evening a little short but it was still so nice. It was just so cool to finally go out and hang out with my lovely sister and just have fun. I can't wait to do it again on Thursday....yeah BSB FOR LIFE!!!!!!
Aside from being physically busy it's been let's just say emotionally busy as well. I can't even go into explaining the ridiculousness the past few weeks. All I can say is this. I've had it with people who are so extremely selfish and who view the sacrament of marriage as a spoof. Seldom honor the Lord, vows are taken as a joke, people are taken for granted and others lives are just of no importance. It's ME ME ME world and it just disgusts me. However on the flip side I have realized that I need to just step back and focus on God a lot more. Matthew 14: Peter's Prayer is well...exactly how I've felt. I have been Peter looking around focusing on the storm happening around me instead of looking right in front of me and taking Jesus' hand and walking on the water with Him. I'm trying and it's a work in progress to be focused and actually as soon as I was feeling super focused... pow bam bang..... all of a sudden a person from my past just pops up completely unexpected. TOTALLY in a state of shock still. However feelings of fear and worry are slowly turning into feelings of peace and closure. Once I actually process what has happened this past week I will make a new posting but as for now.....I gotta look straight ahead.
Here are some timbits of what's happening for my little ones.
Brady is now 5mths...AHH. Yes 5 mths. I still consider him well 4 mths and well he is a baby baby and taking his sweet time which I just love. He's so in love with his toes, his feeties are always slobbery. He has started making strange and is still refusing the bottle. He's so happy and cuddly. His little asthma puffer is so tiny and I get choked up everytime I give it to him. :(
Cohen is well silly as always. He is talking more and more and coming up with words I didn't even know I could say ;) He is still so passionate about sports and well....he lives and breaths it. I have a heck of a time getting on his winter coat because he would rather wear the jacket he calls the basketball jacket even though there are no balls on it. The other day we were at playland having lunch and he decided to flash everyone. Walked in pulled down his pants lifted up his shirt and showed everyone his lovely diaper, then giggled and ran off to play.
Carter is becoming quite the little scholar. His reading and writing are coming along so nicely. He's been hurting a lot lately however the way he expresses himself is amazing. He's really starting to help me a lot more around the home which is nice for me and for Emily. His little best friend Olivia has been helping him and spending a lot of time with him which I'm so grateful for. They are just soooo cute together and just click, they don't have to fight about what to play and just get along always. He loves having a best friend again.
Emily....oh my sweet girl. She is turning 10. DOUBLE DIGITS. Oy. Thursday I am taking her to her first real concert and then Saturday she is having a pool party with her friends and Monday for her actual day we'll have some family time with cake and good food and quality time. She has been just absolutely broken these past 5mths and to see such a little girl deal with sooo much pain is just unbearable. But she still amidst her own tragedy finds time to help me out and spend time with her brothers and still just be a kid. Which is why I am excited to buy her more dolly's and pet shop and polly pockets and barbies for birthdays' and Christmas. Preserve it as long as possible.
Well that's it for me. I've been just pooped lately and it's time to go and get some rest especially before Brady wakes up for his feeding.
Thank you for the support and prayers today and everyday and may God bless every minute from this moment forward.
Even though I don't write much I love you all who stick with me and patiently wait for my next post.
Monday, October 06, 2008
A little bit about us.....
I have to say I've had my moments of weakness and strength but my pure joy comes from the 4 sweetest little people I know.
Emily
My beauty. She is the kindest most thoughtful little girl I've ever met. She has just been the best helper. For a sister to be kind to her brothers is pretty tough most days but she's doing pretty good. It's so sweet to see Carter ask her questions about school and friends, Cohen asks for hugs and kisses and Brady well he just loves her cuddles. And I love her heart. She knows when I'm happy or sad and I feel so bad at times when she can see the hurt in my eyes and as hard as I try to hide it she sees right through me. So she'll help clean up the kitchen or make me a card or sing songs with the babies and tell me funny stories...anything to brighten up the day.
School is good, she is making such cute little friends. I am so happy with their play time. She finally gets to play house or barbies or anything that a 9 year old girl should be playing.
Carter
My super learner. A month ago he could barely read or write. Now he sits down with a paper and pen and it just flows. Some words like "have to" for instance come out as hafto. But it's perfect. He's just my cuddle bug lately. Hugs, hugs and more hugs. He's been struggling more so emotionally lately but on the flip side he just knows how to joke around and make us all laugh. He's loving school. finally being able to stay ALL day is just the best thing in the world to him. His favorite thing is homework, loves loves the homework. For now anyways. I sure hope he still loves it in grade 8. He starts the "puppet troupe" next Tuesday which he is really looking forward to. It's learning how to work puppets and doing little skits and games. For him to be a part of something finally is just the world to him.
Cohen
Oh what to say about Cohen. Cohen is Cohen. He is like a mirror image personality wise of my Granpa Corky. His laughter lives on in my little man. He always has a smile, always giggles and is ALWAYS getting into something. He is so affectionate yet rough. One minute you get a kiss the next minute you get a pankin. I have to include theee funniest picture of all. I have two actually. I have one of him wearing his tool time goggles and the other well lets just say the pictures speaks for itself.
My Boo,
Brady.
Sweet sweet little baby. He's such a little dose of honey. I think because he is my last baby I have babyed him a ltitle too much. He has a bit of separation anxiety, ok....a lot!!. I move away from him too quick and he cries. He could live in his cuddlywrap if I didn't have to breastfeed him a hundred times a day. I should actually count just how much he does feed. but I like it, these days doesn't last forever so I'm trying to embrace them while I have them. He is 4mths now and the past 4 mths have just gone by so fast that usually I go by his corrected age at 11 wks instead of 16 wks. He is more like an 11wk old baby which is nice. I just love that he's taking his time and not rushing too much. He giggles now and coo's all the time. I love it.
Emily
My beauty. She is the kindest most thoughtful little girl I've ever met. She has just been the best helper. For a sister to be kind to her brothers is pretty tough most days but she's doing pretty good. It's so sweet to see Carter ask her questions about school and friends, Cohen asks for hugs and kisses and Brady well he just loves her cuddles. And I love her heart. She knows when I'm happy or sad and I feel so bad at times when she can see the hurt in my eyes and as hard as I try to hide it she sees right through me. So she'll help clean up the kitchen or make me a card or sing songs with the babies and tell me funny stories...anything to brighten up the day.
School is good, she is making such cute little friends. I am so happy with their play time. She finally gets to play house or barbies or anything that a 9 year old girl should be playing.
Carter
My super learner. A month ago he could barely read or write. Now he sits down with a paper and pen and it just flows. Some words like "have to" for instance come out as hafto. But it's perfect. He's just my cuddle bug lately. Hugs, hugs and more hugs. He's been struggling more so emotionally lately but on the flip side he just knows how to joke around and make us all laugh. He's loving school. finally being able to stay ALL day is just the best thing in the world to him. His favorite thing is homework, loves loves the homework. For now anyways. I sure hope he still loves it in grade 8. He starts the "puppet troupe" next Tuesday which he is really looking forward to. It's learning how to work puppets and doing little skits and games. For him to be a part of something finally is just the world to him.
Cohen
Oh what to say about Cohen. Cohen is Cohen. He is like a mirror image personality wise of my Granpa Corky. His laughter lives on in my little man. He always has a smile, always giggles and is ALWAYS getting into something. He is so affectionate yet rough. One minute you get a kiss the next minute you get a pankin. I have to include theee funniest picture of all. I have two actually. I have one of him wearing his tool time goggles and the other well lets just say the pictures speaks for itself.
My Boo,
Brady.
Sweet sweet little baby. He's such a little dose of honey. I think because he is my last baby I have babyed him a ltitle too much. He has a bit of separation anxiety, ok....a lot!!. I move away from him too quick and he cries. He could live in his cuddlywrap if I didn't have to breastfeed him a hundred times a day. I should actually count just how much he does feed. but I like it, these days doesn't last forever so I'm trying to embrace them while I have them. He is 4mths now and the past 4 mths have just gone by so fast that usually I go by his corrected age at 11 wks instead of 16 wks. He is more like an 11wk old baby which is nice. I just love that he's taking his time and not rushing too much. He giggles now and coo's all the time. I love it.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Right O
Yesterday my Grandpa went home to the heavens. I am really not too sure as to what to say but that I miss him so much. I was hoping that writing my thoughts would make me feel better but they don't. I feel sad and mad and at the end of my rope. I don't want to lose anymore important people in my life. First my husband and my marriage and now my dear grandpa. He was a wonderful man. Truly, he had no regrets nor should he. He lived an amazing 79 years and a loving 58 with my grandma. (Bless her heart). All he did was laugh. Literally, he laughed at everything, even simply saying hello on the phone made him chuckle. Hugs and kisses we were never short of and time with him was quality time. The memories I have will be held precious in my heart for always.
I just hope my grandma will be ok. She keeps saying to me well dear now I am in the same boat as you but without 4 children. But at least she had a man that loved her dearly and that nothing in their life except death could tear them apart. And it really didn't tear them apart just distanced them for the time being.
Grandpa we love you and you will be forever loved...... and he would say Right O.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Psalm 89:2
"Your love and kindness are forever; your truth is as enduring as the heavens."
I have realized more lately than ever that
happiness is as happiness does and all I truly need to feel complete is God, my children and my family and friends. And I do, more and more every day I feel content with where I am heading.
Really the only man I can count on is the Big Guy up high in the sky and just as scripture says His love and kindness are forever.... :0))
I'm holdin my own
I know my name
and I'm goin my own way........and feel blessed for every minute of it!
I have realized more lately than ever that
happiness is as happiness does and all I truly need to feel complete is God, my children and my family and friends. And I do, more and more every day I feel content with where I am heading.
Really the only man I can count on is the Big Guy up high in the sky and just as scripture says His love and kindness are forever.... :0))
I'm holdin my own
I know my name
and I'm goin my own way........and feel blessed for every minute of it!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
2 Samuel 22:2,3
And he said: "The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; the God of my strength, in whom I will trust."
I have been doing a lot of thinking and healing and I think one of the hardest things to come out of this situation is my lack of trust. I can honestly say that I've been consumed by distrust in so many ways with my friendships and my marriage and God and it's finally come to a head. I have often wondered even what I could have done differently during my marriage and it all boils down to trust. With Justin having left me 4 times previous to this I think it was always in the back of my mind that it was destined to happen again and a lot of times I would test it to see if it were true and well it happened. Sometimes I wonder if my focus on that particular worry somehow brought it to happen. However I know that isn't the only reason all this happened and I"m not trying to make excuses for Justin's actions I am just trying to discover and fix any flaws I had and have. And that's a big one that stands out. So now that I recognize it now what....well every time I feel like I'm worrying or thinking too much into the future I remind myself to snap out of it. when I sit and ponder and ask God why and what's going to happen and will we be alright I am reminded that my trust has to be in the Lord and I am truly taken care of. Even with issues surrounding my husband and my divorce, I have to have trust now that God will take care of our situation. I might not be able to trust anything my husband has to say right now or does but I have to trust that God Himself will be the one to guide us and our desicionmaking. And just leave it in His hands. As hard as it is, practicing every day is helping. It is helping me to also trust others around me and new friendships and new situations but to be more centered and not dwell in what could happen but what is actually happening in the here and now.
Ok I think I've rambled enough and really I should be sleeping but I do have to say one last thing... I need to extend my thanks to everyone who has been reading and supporting and praying and being there every step of the way with me and my family. The darkness is slowly going away and we're seeing more light in our life every day. And hopefully I'll get another chance soon to sit and reflect until then.....Blessings from my heart to yours xo
Friday, August 08, 2008
As I sit here reflecting on the past few years of my life so many feelings rush through me, love, happiness, contentment, joy, satisfaction, trust, sadness, heartache, heartbreak, hurt, anger, distrust, numbness, emptiness, and loneliness. I have missed blogging so much and to be honest I didn’t know how to write anything. Wondering if it was right or wrong to do so. Wondering how I would feeling seeing the truth written down. But I have had to face reality whether I like it or not and I’ve had to leave my place of comfort.
What I thought was my destiny and my forever has turned out to be anything but. I married Justin 3 years ago and yes we had our ups and downs but we were working. We made it worked, we fought less, we had fun, we loved eachother and we loved and do love our children and were blessed with two more babies over the years. Justin finally won his dream job and was able to work from home which brought us back to Saskatoon just in time to greet a new baby into this world. Who would have thought that such a beautiful time in ones life could turn into an absolute nightmare.
May 31st the anniversary of our first date started off alright and ended with me crying listening to my husband tell me he doesn’t think I love him and bringing up past issues that I thought were forgiven and put behind us. Since I am being honest here goes those instances....4 years ago Justin left me, it was a nasty break up and I was never wanting anything to do with him and him with me. I was broken and emotionally torn and turned to anyone for comfort. His best friend would come by all the time to check on us and in that time of weakness I began a relationship with him. Truthfully not intending revenge but only seeking the comfort and love that I was hoping for. No it didn’t last and anything out of rebound isn’t destined. Totally to my surprise Justin and I got back together months later and we were great. We were able to build a new life together and start fresh. Things started to slide again as we moved to BC. With all the stresses in our life out there and with his family I was rethinking our marriage. So I went to a halloween party and a man who took interest in what I had to say for once made a pass at me, a kiss, and I let it happen. I instantly felt a rush of guilt ran our of the party and went home. Feeling that guilt I confessed this kiss to my husband the next day and as much as it hurt him he soon forgave me and we were able to move past our troubles. After we cut contact off with his abusive brother we were able to have stability and friendship again and love. We had family time and fun and to be honest life was quite content, not perfect but content. Some things bothered me more than others, I would smell smoke on him and he would lie about it and he was smoking tons of dope and it was getting inbetween us. But we still found time for love and happiness.
So back to May 31st, there I was crying and begging and pleading with him telling him how much I do love him and all he could do was throw the past in my face as if it was yesterday. He still held me that night and woke up and hugged me the next morning. All weekend I was having contractions and felt like it was the beginning of labour but I was scared and didn’t want to have an early baby so I tried ignoring the signs. But Sunday night I couldn’t ignore it anymore. All of a sudden Justin tells me that he’s never loved me and that he moved us back to leave me and that he has faked our marriage and our relationship for the past 7 years. I couldn’t even say a word. I left the house and stayed at my parents for the night. The contractions worsened and I knew this baby wasn’t going to hold on any longer. I wanted to go to the doctor but Justin was insistent on taking Cohen to the park so my mom took me to the doctor. My regular obgyn was off and I saw one of her partners. He said I was going into premature labour and I had to have my stitch removed. He tried pulling it out of my cervix in the exam room and only succeeded at pulling out a quarter of it. So he sent me up to the hospital to have the rest removed and see where that took me. The contractions continued and was full on in my back so they sent me right into the OR for my c-section. My husband was there by my side but emotionally gone. No I love you’s or nothing. After I gave birth the doctors let me hold him for half a second and took Brady down to NICU. Due to weak lungs he had to be on oxygen and soon after intubated. Because of the c-section I had to stay in the hospital for the first part of my recovery. I felt so alone. A husband not wanting me, my baby in NICU and my children at home. I can’t even describe to you the brokeness I felt. My husband started turning into someone I didn’t recognize anymore. My children didn’t recognize him either and it started to scare them. They would come to the hospital and be so upset and they would leave and it would just tear me in two knowing they were so sad.
Justin’s behaviour became more irrational and erratic and as the days went on Justin became more lost. The day after I got out of the hospital my husband left me. He was planning to leave after helping me recover but due to his behaviour my father asked him to step out for only a few days to have some breathing room but Justin said no he’d be gone for good. And that was that. He became an invisible father and took no thought in how this would affect the children. Instead thinking only of himself he began to break the kids hearts in only a way an emotionless man could. Telling them things no child should ever hear. Going on and on about wanting a divorce and breaking my heart over and over and throwing things in my face constantly not caring that I was separated from my newborn baby and recovering from surgery.
Now it makes sense. Without getting into every little detail about what has happened and what he did the bottom line is the man I thought was a family man a devoted father and husband was and is nothing but heartless and a coward. Two days before I got out of the hospital he started contacting an old girlfriend, a nobody he dated shortly after highschool. He said he’s always loved her and he mustered up the nerve to tell her so the day before we separated (the day I got out of the hospital). His act of adultery couldn’t have happened at worse time as this. To say he’s in love with this woman he’s rarely spoken of. All I can think of is how lucky she is to win a man who left his wife during childbirth, abandoned his brand new premature baby and three other beautiful children. A man not knowing what true love is and what true happiness is and not realizing he had it all and left it all for what. His family also abandoned us. A family I loved and hoped would be there for my children to put aside marital issues and just focus on the children but they couldn’t and chose to let go and lost 4 sweetest little people doing so.
Since this has been so hard on the kids and after many weeks of intense councelling a decision was decided on. A tough decision but a much needed one. We’ve since cut off contact with Justin. The children couldn’t handle it anymore. After his effortless visits and heartless phone calls the kids would hide under their beds, wear his clothing, fight and cry nonstop. Since we’ve had no contact they have been wondeful and happy and feeling secure. They have started councelling on their own and hearing them speak their true feelings about this situation has been shocking. I couldn’t believe my ears and I just ache for them. But we are taking the proper steps to make things right.
I’ve also decided to take a new outlook on life and do things for me. I’ve had massages and treated myself to shopping and haircuts and a pedicure and some time alone to reflect and be thankful for what I have. I have found happiness and love within my children and the Lord and realized I need nothing more and whatever comes in my future will be heavensent. I love every minute I get to spend with my children. Talking to them and opening up about our thoughts and feelings and having fun. I’m taking one day at a time and healing and overcoming this obstacle. I have come to realize that I am worth more than this and I deserve happiness and to be treated like a woman should be treated and loved. A man who does this to a another human being isn’t worthy. This has been so tough and everything I do I constantly wonder and worry about hurting his feelings and then realize I just need to take this step back and really observe everything and come to healthy decisions without any influence. I don’t want to rush on my emotions, my sadness or anger, I don’t want to say things I will one day regret. I too have made mistakes and everything is a learning experience but this this isn’t a mistake this is cruelty yet in my heart I can find forgiveness and move on from it and just love this life that I’ve been given to live. I plan on doing just that. Living this life to the best and giving my children nothing but the best because that is what they deserve. They are the cutest, most generous, kindest children that hold an innocent beauty from God and as a mother I am here to protect them and guide them and do what is right for them and that is my only intention to do what is right for them....out of love. As hard as it was to get here I am excited. I am excited for my life and life with my kids and to see where tomorrow takes us. I have had nothing but love and support from all my family and friends and I couldn’t ask for better people to share our life with. I am so thankful and I feel so fortunate to have 4 little blessings and miracles beside all day. 4 little voices that tell me I’m pretty and beautiful and that I’m the best mommy and that they love me so much. I get to hear that everyday and tell them everyday how wonderful they are and that they are the best kids a mommy could ask for. I get to cuddle, hug and kiss them whenever I want to and whenever they need it. That is my life right now and I couldn't ask for anything different this very moment. God has given me a life worth living and I will make Him proud.
What I thought was my destiny and my forever has turned out to be anything but. I married Justin 3 years ago and yes we had our ups and downs but we were working. We made it worked, we fought less, we had fun, we loved eachother and we loved and do love our children and were blessed with two more babies over the years. Justin finally won his dream job and was able to work from home which brought us back to Saskatoon just in time to greet a new baby into this world. Who would have thought that such a beautiful time in ones life could turn into an absolute nightmare.
May 31st the anniversary of our first date started off alright and ended with me crying listening to my husband tell me he doesn’t think I love him and bringing up past issues that I thought were forgiven and put behind us. Since I am being honest here goes those instances....4 years ago Justin left me, it was a nasty break up and I was never wanting anything to do with him and him with me. I was broken and emotionally torn and turned to anyone for comfort. His best friend would come by all the time to check on us and in that time of weakness I began a relationship with him. Truthfully not intending revenge but only seeking the comfort and love that I was hoping for. No it didn’t last and anything out of rebound isn’t destined. Totally to my surprise Justin and I got back together months later and we were great. We were able to build a new life together and start fresh. Things started to slide again as we moved to BC. With all the stresses in our life out there and with his family I was rethinking our marriage. So I went to a halloween party and a man who took interest in what I had to say for once made a pass at me, a kiss, and I let it happen. I instantly felt a rush of guilt ran our of the party and went home. Feeling that guilt I confessed this kiss to my husband the next day and as much as it hurt him he soon forgave me and we were able to move past our troubles. After we cut contact off with his abusive brother we were able to have stability and friendship again and love. We had family time and fun and to be honest life was quite content, not perfect but content. Some things bothered me more than others, I would smell smoke on him and he would lie about it and he was smoking tons of dope and it was getting inbetween us. But we still found time for love and happiness.
So back to May 31st, there I was crying and begging and pleading with him telling him how much I do love him and all he could do was throw the past in my face as if it was yesterday. He still held me that night and woke up and hugged me the next morning. All weekend I was having contractions and felt like it was the beginning of labour but I was scared and didn’t want to have an early baby so I tried ignoring the signs. But Sunday night I couldn’t ignore it anymore. All of a sudden Justin tells me that he’s never loved me and that he moved us back to leave me and that he has faked our marriage and our relationship for the past 7 years. I couldn’t even say a word. I left the house and stayed at my parents for the night. The contractions worsened and I knew this baby wasn’t going to hold on any longer. I wanted to go to the doctor but Justin was insistent on taking Cohen to the park so my mom took me to the doctor. My regular obgyn was off and I saw one of her partners. He said I was going into premature labour and I had to have my stitch removed. He tried pulling it out of my cervix in the exam room and only succeeded at pulling out a quarter of it. So he sent me up to the hospital to have the rest removed and see where that took me. The contractions continued and was full on in my back so they sent me right into the OR for my c-section. My husband was there by my side but emotionally gone. No I love you’s or nothing. After I gave birth the doctors let me hold him for half a second and took Brady down to NICU. Due to weak lungs he had to be on oxygen and soon after intubated. Because of the c-section I had to stay in the hospital for the first part of my recovery. I felt so alone. A husband not wanting me, my baby in NICU and my children at home. I can’t even describe to you the brokeness I felt. My husband started turning into someone I didn’t recognize anymore. My children didn’t recognize him either and it started to scare them. They would come to the hospital and be so upset and they would leave and it would just tear me in two knowing they were so sad.
Justin’s behaviour became more irrational and erratic and as the days went on Justin became more lost. The day after I got out of the hospital my husband left me. He was planning to leave after helping me recover but due to his behaviour my father asked him to step out for only a few days to have some breathing room but Justin said no he’d be gone for good. And that was that. He became an invisible father and took no thought in how this would affect the children. Instead thinking only of himself he began to break the kids hearts in only a way an emotionless man could. Telling them things no child should ever hear. Going on and on about wanting a divorce and breaking my heart over and over and throwing things in my face constantly not caring that I was separated from my newborn baby and recovering from surgery.
Now it makes sense. Without getting into every little detail about what has happened and what he did the bottom line is the man I thought was a family man a devoted father and husband was and is nothing but heartless and a coward. Two days before I got out of the hospital he started contacting an old girlfriend, a nobody he dated shortly after highschool. He said he’s always loved her and he mustered up the nerve to tell her so the day before we separated (the day I got out of the hospital). His act of adultery couldn’t have happened at worse time as this. To say he’s in love with this woman he’s rarely spoken of. All I can think of is how lucky she is to win a man who left his wife during childbirth, abandoned his brand new premature baby and three other beautiful children. A man not knowing what true love is and what true happiness is and not realizing he had it all and left it all for what. His family also abandoned us. A family I loved and hoped would be there for my children to put aside marital issues and just focus on the children but they couldn’t and chose to let go and lost 4 sweetest little people doing so.
Since this has been so hard on the kids and after many weeks of intense councelling a decision was decided on. A tough decision but a much needed one. We’ve since cut off contact with Justin. The children couldn’t handle it anymore. After his effortless visits and heartless phone calls the kids would hide under their beds, wear his clothing, fight and cry nonstop. Since we’ve had no contact they have been wondeful and happy and feeling secure. They have started councelling on their own and hearing them speak their true feelings about this situation has been shocking. I couldn’t believe my ears and I just ache for them. But we are taking the proper steps to make things right.
I’ve also decided to take a new outlook on life and do things for me. I’ve had massages and treated myself to shopping and haircuts and a pedicure and some time alone to reflect and be thankful for what I have. I have found happiness and love within my children and the Lord and realized I need nothing more and whatever comes in my future will be heavensent. I love every minute I get to spend with my children. Talking to them and opening up about our thoughts and feelings and having fun. I’m taking one day at a time and healing and overcoming this obstacle. I have come to realize that I am worth more than this and I deserve happiness and to be treated like a woman should be treated and loved. A man who does this to a another human being isn’t worthy. This has been so tough and everything I do I constantly wonder and worry about hurting his feelings and then realize I just need to take this step back and really observe everything and come to healthy decisions without any influence. I don’t want to rush on my emotions, my sadness or anger, I don’t want to say things I will one day regret. I too have made mistakes and everything is a learning experience but this this isn’t a mistake this is cruelty yet in my heart I can find forgiveness and move on from it and just love this life that I’ve been given to live. I plan on doing just that. Living this life to the best and giving my children nothing but the best because that is what they deserve. They are the cutest, most generous, kindest children that hold an innocent beauty from God and as a mother I am here to protect them and guide them and do what is right for them and that is my only intention to do what is right for them....out of love. As hard as it was to get here I am excited. I am excited for my life and life with my kids and to see where tomorrow takes us. I have had nothing but love and support from all my family and friends and I couldn’t ask for better people to share our life with. I am so thankful and I feel so fortunate to have 4 little blessings and miracles beside all day. 4 little voices that tell me I’m pretty and beautiful and that I’m the best mommy and that they love me so much. I get to hear that everyday and tell them everyday how wonderful they are and that they are the best kids a mommy could ask for. I get to cuddle, hug and kiss them whenever I want to and whenever they need it. That is my life right now and I couldn't ask for anything different this very moment. God has given me a life worth living and I will make Him proud.
Monday, August 04, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Oh Baby!!
Brady Dean Dallas Seitz
Born June 2nd @ 4:23 pm
6lbs 10oz and 19 1/2 inches long (pretty good for 5 wks early)
He was taken to NICU immediately after his birth and was hooked up to oxygen and then intubated. After he was extubated he had jaundice and had to learn to feed on his own without a feeding tube. After a week and a half I was able to bring my little one home. He was quick and strong and quite the little fighter.
Brady is now 3 wks old and still likes to act like a premie but he's doing great. He's gaining weight and eating like a little piggy. He has his first cold but even so he's not very fussy. His days and nights are a little mixed up but that's the least of my worries. I'm just so happy to have him home. The kids adore him. Emily is such a big help, Carter is learning and Cohen well he's trying to learn to share mommy. But so far he's doing a pretty good job. It's made him a better cuddler :0)
Friday, May 30, 2008
There are moments where I just want to take my kids and hide them from the cruelty in life. But unfortunately some experiences are meant to happen whether good or bad. Lately Emily is dealing with some pretty tough things and although it's toughening her up a little she is still so sensitive and young and innocent and broken hearted.
She has tried so hard to make friends at her new school while trying to keep her friends updated in BC. She met a few nice girls who got mad one day because she wanted to include another girl for lunch. Since then the friendship has been on the rocks. She was told she was fat, that she should have never moved here, that her friend was just pretending to like her, that she is a stupid fat b**** and a jerk and on and on and on. She has been trying to suck it up because she didn't want a huge drama show at school again but she couldn't help but cry at school and there is nothing she hates more than crying at school. So after that she is talking to her little crush in Naramata and he has a new crush and told her he is going to ask her out. She has never experience such continual bull shit (pardon my language). If there was ever a tiff at another school or with friends it was over and dealt with .... this just keeps going and going and going. She is so sick of it that she doesn't even want friends anymore because as soon as she tries to play with someone else or do her own thing she's getting freaked at. One of her friends told her to call names back and she said what's the point and walked away and called me.
We have been teaching her to be nice even when people are mean and to walk away and not stoop down to their level but I almost want to tell her to just finally just give it to someone the next time they mess with her. But that's not gonna work either. It's so tough. I've witnessed it first hand and I know it's not the kids fault, they are so young and probably don't really mean to be mean but ugh c'mon enough is enough. Emily said what bothers her the most is that her friends keep saying sorry and emailing her sorry letters but a few days after they say sorry they are mean again.
What can ya do but try to make a negative a positive which is what we are trying to do. Extra family time and less playdates. Focus on other things the kids really enjoy doing. We have so much family around these days which is super helpful. Between us, Justin's dad, my parents, my siblings and my great aunt and all our friends we have a lot of people around for the kids to have fun with. I'm just so thankful to be home. Everyday makes me happier and happier to be here!! I can't believe we were away from everyone for 3 years, we barely make it 3 days without seeing someone :)
Thanks to all for just being there in any way!!
She has tried so hard to make friends at her new school while trying to keep her friends updated in BC. She met a few nice girls who got mad one day because she wanted to include another girl for lunch. Since then the friendship has been on the rocks. She was told she was fat, that she should have never moved here, that her friend was just pretending to like her, that she is a stupid fat b**** and a jerk and on and on and on. She has been trying to suck it up because she didn't want a huge drama show at school again but she couldn't help but cry at school and there is nothing she hates more than crying at school. So after that she is talking to her little crush in Naramata and he has a new crush and told her he is going to ask her out. She has never experience such continual bull shit (pardon my language). If there was ever a tiff at another school or with friends it was over and dealt with .... this just keeps going and going and going. She is so sick of it that she doesn't even want friends anymore because as soon as she tries to play with someone else or do her own thing she's getting freaked at. One of her friends told her to call names back and she said what's the point and walked away and called me.
We have been teaching her to be nice even when people are mean and to walk away and not stoop down to their level but I almost want to tell her to just finally just give it to someone the next time they mess with her. But that's not gonna work either. It's so tough. I've witnessed it first hand and I know it's not the kids fault, they are so young and probably don't really mean to be mean but ugh c'mon enough is enough. Emily said what bothers her the most is that her friends keep saying sorry and emailing her sorry letters but a few days after they say sorry they are mean again.
What can ya do but try to make a negative a positive which is what we are trying to do. Extra family time and less playdates. Focus on other things the kids really enjoy doing. We have so much family around these days which is super helpful. Between us, Justin's dad, my parents, my siblings and my great aunt and all our friends we have a lot of people around for the kids to have fun with. I'm just so thankful to be home. Everyday makes me happier and happier to be here!! I can't believe we were away from everyone for 3 years, we barely make it 3 days without seeing someone :)
Thanks to all for just being there in any way!!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
The panic is on...
I think I might need some psychiatric help, last minute prepping for this baby is driving me absolutely crazy. We have a spare room downstairs that totally needs to be unpacked and ready for some of our children to live in it so we can set up the room upstairs eventually for the baby. I'm trying to locate (ok making Justin locate) our baby things in boxes so I can clean them and have them ready. We need some new baby things as having a lot of kids makes you discover what are good purchases worth keeping around and what are not. So we need some new things which is fun in some ways a hassle in other (as in it takes me forever to walk from one store to the other with my super turtle slow waddle). In all honesty I feel somewhat grumpy and frazzled and now I'm going to go and eat MORE icecream :( Maybe that will make me feel all better and happy.
Friday, May 23, 2008
2 weeks :0)
So after another trip to the obgyn and then being sent back to the hospital for some observation the doctor has decided to book me in for an ultrasound/amnio to make sure the baby's lungs are developed enough and then from there if all looks good I'll go right in for my c-section!! June 3rd we go in for my last check up and she will book it within a few short days from that appointment. I'm happy and relieved but yet frustrated because I'm still going to be super sore and uncomfortable for the next couple weeks. Every time I move my stitch tugs and pulls and pinches and then I cramp and contract and all the scarr tissue from previous surgeries is pulling and stretching and causing swelling in my lower abdomen on top of that with back ache, leg cramps and foot cramps. I am just done...at the end of my rope. I just can't wait for me and Justin to feel settled with our 4 children.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Some Family Tidbits
The kids are finally tucked nicely into their beds and the house is a little too quiet. I'm looking forward to this extra long weekend. Emily and Carter have Friday and Monday off school which is so nice. I'm really wanting a lot of family time in before life gets too too busy with another baby. Tonight was lovely, Justin sat between the older two and read to them as I rested on the other couch with Cohen (yes he actually laid down woohoo) and we all just listened.
I'm almost 33 weeks and I'm feeling very very blessed to be hitting this milestone in my pregnancy. As my pregnancies aren't always easy every day is a celebration with this little one cuddled in my belly. I am feeling rather done though. I have a feeling once this stitch is out so will our little Brady.
I started laughing uncontrollably today and then crying and then moving to utter frustration back to laughing because I pulled out YET ANOTHER pair of maternity pant that I have grown out of. WAY TOOOOOOO EARLY. So yes aside from loving the pregnancy and this baby and being happy most of the time. I am sick of feeling super fat and puffy and gassy. That part I am looking forward to getting under control and feeling healthy again and feeling energetic.
Aside from the pregnancy every one is doing awesome. Cohen is teething again and is getting sick but we kind of expected it especially since it looks like his eye teeth are trying to come through - up down up down up down. But he's happy and playful and trouble as always. He is learning so many new words and phrases it's so funny. The best phrase at this time is wada did i do? (what did i do) and his biggest word as of yet is Accident however it came out assident. He through his bottle at the blinds and said "wada did i do oooooooH....sss assident"
Carter is going through a growth spurt right now. It is such a nice change because he isn't an overly big eater and right now he is eating NON stop. He is learning so much in school. Everything about his teacher I absolutely LOVE! She is so into the kids and so fun I really wish he would have spent an entire year with her. He is coming home knowing about archaelogy and paleontologists. which is good for Carter as I surprised the kids with tickets to Walking with Dinosaurs for next thursday. After Carter is learning all about these ginormous things it will be worth every second of it.
Emily is also rather excited about the dinosaur show, a night out with her dad and Carter. Cohen and I will be home eating popcorn twists and watching veggie tales :) She's so funny, she is so stuck on the idea of becoming a celebrity like Hannah Montana. So the other day she was doing the grades in skipping and she made it to college and passed and said now I have my degree to be a celebrity. If only it was that easy. A week ago her class attended a literacy conference at the university and it really triggered a passion for writing. She's always wrote songs and poems but now she is inspired to write children's short stories. And they are soo good and extremely hillarious.
Justin is keeping busy as always. He is absolutely loving his new job and I love his job. He is sooo happy every day. He's never been stressed or tired or sick of any bit of his work which is pretty righteous!! He's also working on his book and he was just notified by his publisher that his other two book ideas have been approved and the contracts are being drawn up. Triple sweet. But what I love and truly admire the most is that he doesn't miss one ounce of family time and he manages to get most of the housework done before I even notice there is housework to do. I'm feeling very thankful for that. I mean he JUST gets it.
Well American Ido is on and I think I've babbled on long enough.
Till next time :0)
I'm almost 33 weeks and I'm feeling very very blessed to be hitting this milestone in my pregnancy. As my pregnancies aren't always easy every day is a celebration with this little one cuddled in my belly. I am feeling rather done though. I have a feeling once this stitch is out so will our little Brady.
I started laughing uncontrollably today and then crying and then moving to utter frustration back to laughing because I pulled out YET ANOTHER pair of maternity pant that I have grown out of. WAY TOOOOOOO EARLY. So yes aside from loving the pregnancy and this baby and being happy most of the time. I am sick of feeling super fat and puffy and gassy. That part I am looking forward to getting under control and feeling healthy again and feeling energetic.
Aside from the pregnancy every one is doing awesome. Cohen is teething again and is getting sick but we kind of expected it especially since it looks like his eye teeth are trying to come through - up down up down up down. But he's happy and playful and trouble as always. He is learning so many new words and phrases it's so funny. The best phrase at this time is wada did i do? (what did i do) and his biggest word as of yet is Accident however it came out assident. He through his bottle at the blinds and said "wada did i do oooooooH....sss assident"
Carter is going through a growth spurt right now. It is such a nice change because he isn't an overly big eater and right now he is eating NON stop. He is learning so much in school. Everything about his teacher I absolutely LOVE! She is so into the kids and so fun I really wish he would have spent an entire year with her. He is coming home knowing about archaelogy and paleontologists. which is good for Carter as I surprised the kids with tickets to Walking with Dinosaurs for next thursday. After Carter is learning all about these ginormous things it will be worth every second of it.
Emily is also rather excited about the dinosaur show, a night out with her dad and Carter. Cohen and I will be home eating popcorn twists and watching veggie tales :) She's so funny, she is so stuck on the idea of becoming a celebrity like Hannah Montana. So the other day she was doing the grades in skipping and she made it to college and passed and said now I have my degree to be a celebrity. If only it was that easy. A week ago her class attended a literacy conference at the university and it really triggered a passion for writing. She's always wrote songs and poems but now she is inspired to write children's short stories. And they are soo good and extremely hillarious.
Justin is keeping busy as always. He is absolutely loving his new job and I love his job. He is sooo happy every day. He's never been stressed or tired or sick of any bit of his work which is pretty righteous!! He's also working on his book and he was just notified by his publisher that his other two book ideas have been approved and the contracts are being drawn up. Triple sweet. But what I love and truly admire the most is that he doesn't miss one ounce of family time and he manages to get most of the housework done before I even notice there is housework to do. I'm feeling very thankful for that. I mean he JUST gets it.
Well American Ido is on and I think I've babbled on long enough.
Till next time :0)
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Oy Vay....what next?
Today started off as a beautiful fun Happy Mother's Day. The kids presented me with some sweet gifts they made at school. Emily even had Cohen draw me a picture. I got the book I've been wanting and some beautiful stepping stones. My sister has been here all weekend and she prepared a Mothers Day lunch and my parents came over along with one of my brothers and my nephew. A great day of playing outside and laughing and just family fun.
Around 4 Justin took me to the walk in clinic because my arm was looking and feeling worse. See when I was in the hospital just recently I had an IV in my arm, when they took it out it was bruised as it usually gets....nothing out of the ordinary. Until the other day I hit my arm on a doorknob and then the next day the soreness went from the IV area (where I hit it) to the side of my wrist and became swollen and what not. It was getting worse so I thought hmmm maybe a hairline fracture or something but it was weird because I didn't even bump that spot. So I get to the dr. and she says I have a blood clot. Asked me some questions and because of my shortness of breath, my crazy elavated heart rate and the soreness in my leg from all the charlie horses and my blood clotting disorder I was rushed to the hospital. My parents met us back at the house to watch the children and Justin and I were off to meet the doctor.
So we get to the ER and go straight up to the Mat ward. The doctors and nurses were super quick and on the ball with me. The doctor was really worried I had a blood clot in my lung. I have never been so scared in my entire life. I had my blood work, then another nurse came in and I had an ECG done then another nurse came in a put in another IV and then the porter came in and took me for a CT scan. When the results came back the doctor was happy to announce I had no clot in my lung. However I do have a clot in my wrist but not a deep vein clot. The doctors are going to keep a close eye on it and make sure it doesn't get any worse.
Now 3rd time around is a charm, so next time I'm in the hospital I hope it is to have the baby....at the right time!!
Around 4 Justin took me to the walk in clinic because my arm was looking and feeling worse. See when I was in the hospital just recently I had an IV in my arm, when they took it out it was bruised as it usually gets....nothing out of the ordinary. Until the other day I hit my arm on a doorknob and then the next day the soreness went from the IV area (where I hit it) to the side of my wrist and became swollen and what not. It was getting worse so I thought hmmm maybe a hairline fracture or something but it was weird because I didn't even bump that spot. So I get to the dr. and she says I have a blood clot. Asked me some questions and because of my shortness of breath, my crazy elavated heart rate and the soreness in my leg from all the charlie horses and my blood clotting disorder I was rushed to the hospital. My parents met us back at the house to watch the children and Justin and I were off to meet the doctor.
So we get to the ER and go straight up to the Mat ward. The doctors and nurses were super quick and on the ball with me. The doctor was really worried I had a blood clot in my lung. I have never been so scared in my entire life. I had my blood work, then another nurse came in and I had an ECG done then another nurse came in a put in another IV and then the porter came in and took me for a CT scan. When the results came back the doctor was happy to announce I had no clot in my lung. However I do have a clot in my wrist but not a deep vein clot. The doctors are going to keep a close eye on it and make sure it doesn't get any worse.
Now 3rd time around is a charm, so next time I'm in the hospital I hope it is to have the baby....at the right time!!
Friday, May 09, 2008
The joys of being in my final weeks of pregnancy. I'm completely uncomfortable, achy, crampy and super duper tired. However on the flip side everything makes me giggle and I've stayed super happy and giddy even being so physically drained.
Today I fell asleep in the playroom sitting upright playing blocks with the boys. I woke up with Carter screaming "cock a doodle doo" in my ear and Cohen launching cars off my belly.
I had to take Emmy for her Ortho work and I parked in a spot I was sure to have enough room, right beside a Handicap slot. So after the appointment we go back to the van and a car decided to park super close to us. Not good. I open up my door and try to get in and get stuck inbetween with just the tip of my belly. Too big. Couldn't even squeeze in. I couldn't climb through either because I don't fit between the seats. So I waited for a little bit and no one was coming so I went back into the Dentist's office and asked the receptionist if she could help me move my van. She was so nice and helpful and did just that so we were able to leave!!!
....AND THE CRAVINGS. Oh man. Every thing I drive by I want to eat. But then as soon as i see the next restaurant or grocery store I think of something else. I went from wanting candy - deep fried mars bar - mr. sub - subway - wings - verns pizza - quizno's- finally settling on quizno's to only get turkey ranch and a turkey mequite and sunchips and dorito's and then I couldn't decide if i wanted soup or cookies. Oh the poor lady that was serving us. Bless her patience. Luckily Justin ate one of the subs and the kids got some too of course.
Oh we went for our 32 wk ultrasound on Tuesday and we were able to see what our baby was up to in Tummy Land. HE is sooooooooooooo cute!!! Pudgy cheeks, fat legs, big belly. I love it. He looks so healthy and happy. YES that's right ANOTHER BOY!!!! Our little Brady Seitz. We're still working on the full name and the spelling and what not. It was so funny....so the ultrasound tech didn't waste anytime and scanned right to the genitals and WHOA it was no wondering it was right there like a softball . Justin asked him to take the zoom down a notch....except it wasn't on zoom. Emily was a little upset because she wants a sister so bad but she was also happy that she is going to be daddy's little girl forever and not share that special bond. And we bought her the plaid shorts she's been wanting. This age group clothes fixes everything.
Well I better get back to work . Now that Justin's friend revived our old hard drive we have all our photo's from BC and I had taken tons of photo's of our old place so I have to get everything printed off and sent in our evidence package for our case that we're taking0 to arbitration. It's exciting, a lot of work but it's all good!!
Today I fell asleep in the playroom sitting upright playing blocks with the boys. I woke up with Carter screaming "cock a doodle doo" in my ear and Cohen launching cars off my belly.
I had to take Emmy for her Ortho work and I parked in a spot I was sure to have enough room, right beside a Handicap slot. So after the appointment we go back to the van and a car decided to park super close to us. Not good. I open up my door and try to get in and get stuck inbetween with just the tip of my belly. Too big. Couldn't even squeeze in. I couldn't climb through either because I don't fit between the seats. So I waited for a little bit and no one was coming so I went back into the Dentist's office and asked the receptionist if she could help me move my van. She was so nice and helpful and did just that so we were able to leave!!!
....AND THE CRAVINGS. Oh man. Every thing I drive by I want to eat. But then as soon as i see the next restaurant or grocery store I think of something else. I went from wanting candy - deep fried mars bar - mr. sub - subway - wings - verns pizza - quizno's- finally settling on quizno's to only get turkey ranch and a turkey mequite and sunchips and dorito's and then I couldn't decide if i wanted soup or cookies. Oh the poor lady that was serving us. Bless her patience. Luckily Justin ate one of the subs and the kids got some too of course.
Oh we went for our 32 wk ultrasound on Tuesday and we were able to see what our baby was up to in Tummy Land. HE is sooooooooooooo cute!!! Pudgy cheeks, fat legs, big belly. I love it. He looks so healthy and happy. YES that's right ANOTHER BOY!!!! Our little Brady Seitz. We're still working on the full name and the spelling and what not. It was so funny....so the ultrasound tech didn't waste anytime and scanned right to the genitals and WHOA it was no wondering it was right there like a softball . Justin asked him to take the zoom down a notch....except it wasn't on zoom. Emily was a little upset because she wants a sister so bad but she was also happy that she is going to be daddy's little girl forever and not share that special bond. And we bought her the plaid shorts she's been wanting. This age group clothes fixes everything.
Well I better get back to work . Now that Justin's friend revived our old hard drive we have all our photo's from BC and I had taken tons of photo's of our old place so I have to get everything printed off and sent in our evidence package for our case that we're taking0 to arbitration. It's exciting, a lot of work but it's all good!!
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Home Sweet Home
Thank you for all the kind notes and thoughts and prayers and the help we have received has been awesome.
It all started a few weeks ago with a lot of cramping. I've been watching it and checking in with the doctor but she said if it gets worse go in to the hospital if it's after office hours. Well Monday the cramping was bad and I was getting this intense burning sensation in my stomach and around my scar from previous surgeries. So off I went...
We get to the hospital and I got examined right away to find that I was/am 1cm dilated. My cerclage is still in place which is good it's started to dilate so we have to watch that. Then the burning was getting worse and the dr's were concerned that either my placenta was starting to tear or my scar was going to open. So I was put on the fetal monitor and the baby's heartbeat was really low, it was beating at about 103-109 consistently. So in case they were going to have to deliver the baby early they started me on the steroid shots. I had one that night and had to stay in until I could get another shot in 24 hrs. But in the meantime weird things were happening. The baby's heartbeat wasn't going up yet not in serious trouble either. The pain was getting worse and my blood results and urine tests were coming back all funky. I was on an IV drip the whole time and drinking and eating so I was getting more than enough fluids yet tests showed I was really dehydrated and had large amounts of glucose showing up. My white cell count was high and my potassium was low and my blood sugar levels were high. My blood pressure would go from normal to low. I had this weird pain in my wrists, arms and calves as if I had an 14 hour charlie horse brewing. So weird and painful and no one knows why, I got really pale and weak and puffy. But after about 14hrs that started to settle So no one knew what was going on. It was all a mystery.
I had an ultrasound and everything looked good on that. That confirmed that my placenta was fine and so was my scar. But the doctors weren't sure if things were in the process of going sideways. So I was monitored pretty closely. Also the estimated baby weight was already 4lbs 10 oz which was a good thing in case the baby was born a little early.
So today I was still having the pain and the nurses couldn't track down my original glucose results and they wanted to keep me in for observation another night and just keep up with pain meds but I couldn't. I needed to be home so bad. I would have stayed in but I have a prenatal and ultrasound booked for Tuesday and with Justin being at home and being at my beck and call I thought I could do it. He was having trouble surviving at home with the kids without me. The kids were getting so scared and wondering if I was ever coming home. So I thought I can relax and rest in the comfort of my own home unless it gets even worse. I needed to have a nice bath in my jacuzzi and lay in my bed and just look at my husband and kids when I want to. So far I'm feeling not too bad. Tender and sore but relieved to be home.
So far what the doctors are going on is because I have so much scar tissue/adhesions from previous surgeries that because this baby is so big and I'm getting so big, with all the stretching happening it is stretching and pulling on the scar tissue. Painful and not fun but over with soon. I have a few more weeks and this baby can come. I just hope it stays in a few more weeks!!
Well my comfy bed is making me sleepy so I should turn out the lights and call it a night.
Thanks again everyone for your care and concern and prayers and messages and help we couldnt have done it without you!!
Blessings and
Love Carissa
It all started a few weeks ago with a lot of cramping. I've been watching it and checking in with the doctor but she said if it gets worse go in to the hospital if it's after office hours. Well Monday the cramping was bad and I was getting this intense burning sensation in my stomach and around my scar from previous surgeries. So off I went...
We get to the hospital and I got examined right away to find that I was/am 1cm dilated. My cerclage is still in place which is good it's started to dilate so we have to watch that. Then the burning was getting worse and the dr's were concerned that either my placenta was starting to tear or my scar was going to open. So I was put on the fetal monitor and the baby's heartbeat was really low, it was beating at about 103-109 consistently. So in case they were going to have to deliver the baby early they started me on the steroid shots. I had one that night and had to stay in until I could get another shot in 24 hrs. But in the meantime weird things were happening. The baby's heartbeat wasn't going up yet not in serious trouble either. The pain was getting worse and my blood results and urine tests were coming back all funky. I was on an IV drip the whole time and drinking and eating so I was getting more than enough fluids yet tests showed I was really dehydrated and had large amounts of glucose showing up. My white cell count was high and my potassium was low and my blood sugar levels were high. My blood pressure would go from normal to low. I had this weird pain in my wrists, arms and calves as if I had an 14 hour charlie horse brewing. So weird and painful and no one knows why, I got really pale and weak and puffy. But after about 14hrs that started to settle So no one knew what was going on. It was all a mystery.
I had an ultrasound and everything looked good on that. That confirmed that my placenta was fine and so was my scar. But the doctors weren't sure if things were in the process of going sideways. So I was monitored pretty closely. Also the estimated baby weight was already 4lbs 10 oz which was a good thing in case the baby was born a little early.
So today I was still having the pain and the nurses couldn't track down my original glucose results and they wanted to keep me in for observation another night and just keep up with pain meds but I couldn't. I needed to be home so bad. I would have stayed in but I have a prenatal and ultrasound booked for Tuesday and with Justin being at home and being at my beck and call I thought I could do it. He was having trouble surviving at home with the kids without me. The kids were getting so scared and wondering if I was ever coming home. So I thought I can relax and rest in the comfort of my own home unless it gets even worse. I needed to have a nice bath in my jacuzzi and lay in my bed and just look at my husband and kids when I want to. So far I'm feeling not too bad. Tender and sore but relieved to be home.
So far what the doctors are going on is because I have so much scar tissue/adhesions from previous surgeries that because this baby is so big and I'm getting so big, with all the stretching happening it is stretching and pulling on the scar tissue. Painful and not fun but over with soon. I have a few more weeks and this baby can come. I just hope it stays in a few more weeks!!
Well my comfy bed is making me sleepy so I should turn out the lights and call it a night.
Thanks again everyone for your care and concern and prayers and messages and help we couldnt have done it without you!!
Blessings and
Love Carissa
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Whose Belly is Bigger????
I was going through some photo's Justin uploaded for me and I came across this picture he took of me and my dad at Easter time. One of my favorite pictures right now.
I was about 25/26 wks in this photo and my dad well.... ;0)
I was about 25/26 wks in this photo and my dad well.... ;0)
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