I wish I had more time to write
to dream and be still in the moment
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time
and remember what it felt like
Sometimes I wish I could jump
into my painting and feel the color, feel the feeling within the color
Sometimes I wish I could hold
onto the moment a little longer, hold onto my children longer
Sometimes I wish I could cry
and then swim in the river of tears
Sometimes I wish when I close my eyes
that I'd become a butterfly and am fluttering aside a bluebell
Sometimes I wish I was a bird
and I could fly around the world and sprinkle down love
Sometimes I wish I was a fly
on a wall because then maybe I would understand
Sometimes I wish I didn't care
Sometimes I wish I was loved....
actually I wish that all the time
Sometimes I wish
Sometimes I dream
Sometimes I am
Sometimes I am not
Someday it will be
Someday I will be
Sometimes I wish it were now
Sometimes...
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
A Moment to Ponder......
Lately I've been thinking a lot about who I am, who I've become, how I got here, what should and shouldn't I settle for, what I want for my children, and what I want for me and our future.
Sure we can't think too much into the future and we can only control so much on our own. But we do need to be consciously aware that our actions and decisions in life is what helps to pave the path we are on.
Being honest about our deep desires and not allowing oneself to settle is extremely tough. In the meantime we can become vulnerable and question our own feelings which can play tricks on our heart. But that's a part of growing and a part of life.
So who am I, who have I become and how did I get here....
Well I am me, Carissa: a Christian, a woman, a mother, a friend, a daughter and a sister. It's pretty self explainable on how I became a woman, mother, friend, daughter and sister :)) but how I became a Christian and what that means to me. That I haven't really shared.
When I was delinquent youngster I pretty much turned away from Christ, or tried my best to. I grew up with a pretty solid foundation thanks to my parents. I came from a Catholic upbringing, home and school. When I was going through so much trouble I still found myself praying or writing poetry crying out to God asking for Him to save me. But what I didn't realize at the time is that He was saving me I just had to accept him into my heart. I was laying in bed one day and I am not sure why I had the bible on my night table because at that time I could have cared less about the bible. But it was. I heard this voice inside my head saying loudly...read me read me, just do it c'mon.....it was so loud that I actually cupped my hands over my ears to drown it out but it just got louder. So I looked at "the book" placed it in my hands and just opened it. What book did it fall on.....JOB!!
After that I just felt this desire and passion in my heart to rediscover this Lord and the journey led me to a different church than which I was raised in but what I learned was that Christ was still Christ no matter what denomination I was choosing to visit. That it didn't matter what church or what bible I was reading that it was about the personal relationship I was developing in my own time, in my own home and my own heart. The bible yes as important as it is, not just because it's some book but because it holds the teachings, the word of God. His spirit is within the written scripture. We can't see Him standing in front of us but what we do have is His word and when you have faith in your heart it's not about seeing Him or reading about Him it's feeling Him in your heart, mind and soul.
What I discovered along this journey so far is that there is no greater love that fills your heart than His love and that everything else looks a lot more beautiful and there is more meaning to this thing called life. Every step you take is different and brighter because you realize you are walking towards something so great it's hard to describe how great. I feel blessed to be able to follow in my parents footsteps and teach my children about the Lord and Life and Love.
I have also discovered how broken I am.....stronger than I was but still broken, I still need to be healed. I am not perfect, I have made choices in my life that aren't exactly good, I've been vulgar at times and just simply stepped off the path at times. But I try my best, I try! The Lord has blessed me with a lot of ups and downs, and yes even the downs are a blessing because it's a lesson in which we can either do better or do worse and God hopes we do better but He is there to catch us when we fall or hold our hand and walk forward with us.
With that said, the events in my past that I've experienced have really made me think what can I take from all of that and implement it to my decisionmaking nowadays and what am I worth and ready to settle for. I cannot settle for a life without God first. This journey is too incredible!
I love my family life. It's a gift to me in which I treasure everyday. I would love to share that with someone special one day, when the time is right. In the past I settled for mediocre, for the hope to be loved like I love. I thought oh me and the kids will be fine but things backfired. I wasn't valued, and me and the kids were taken for granted. I refuse to settle for that again.
Recently I thought maybe I had found that. There was sweetness and passion. Things I had never experienced before. But it became lost rather quick, lost in a me me me world which reminded me of just what I came out of. I felt disrespected and taken for granted. I had so much to offer but I felt like it wasn't good enough but then I would feel good enough and swept off my feet to only have that change depending on the day. Relationships have taught me that the only way it can simply work is if you are walking hand in hand and in relationship with Christ. To love unselfishly and always think of how you can make that person happy that day and how you can love that person and not demand or expect, but with that said, it needs to come naturally. What I want for my children is to have a mom that is strong and healthy but sensitive and everloving. When I welcome that person into my life I want them to have a role model, a man of absolute love and zest for life and family and love and just gentle in spirit. Someone who is ready and gets it because Lord knows they don't have that in a manly role currently.
What I have realized is that I don't "need" to be loved because I already am but what I want is to find that true love in a man one day, and be loved. I think it will happen, I'm a romantic at heart and a dreamer. But what I know is you can't go lookin for it, it will find you ;) And I hope it find me in my future.....
Wow, I've managed to ramble on quite a bit. I might have to reread and make sure it all makes sense. Oh well, it just felt good to sit in quiet and write what was weighing on my heart.
Till next time......
Blessings from my heart to yours xo
Sure we can't think too much into the future and we can only control so much on our own. But we do need to be consciously aware that our actions and decisions in life is what helps to pave the path we are on.
Being honest about our deep desires and not allowing oneself to settle is extremely tough. In the meantime we can become vulnerable and question our own feelings which can play tricks on our heart. But that's a part of growing and a part of life.
So who am I, who have I become and how did I get here....
Well I am me, Carissa: a Christian, a woman, a mother, a friend, a daughter and a sister. It's pretty self explainable on how I became a woman, mother, friend, daughter and sister :)) but how I became a Christian and what that means to me. That I haven't really shared.
When I was delinquent youngster I pretty much turned away from Christ, or tried my best to. I grew up with a pretty solid foundation thanks to my parents. I came from a Catholic upbringing, home and school. When I was going through so much trouble I still found myself praying or writing poetry crying out to God asking for Him to save me. But what I didn't realize at the time is that He was saving me I just had to accept him into my heart. I was laying in bed one day and I am not sure why I had the bible on my night table because at that time I could have cared less about the bible. But it was. I heard this voice inside my head saying loudly...read me read me, just do it c'mon.....it was so loud that I actually cupped my hands over my ears to drown it out but it just got louder. So I looked at "the book" placed it in my hands and just opened it. What book did it fall on.....JOB!!
After that I just felt this desire and passion in my heart to rediscover this Lord and the journey led me to a different church than which I was raised in but what I learned was that Christ was still Christ no matter what denomination I was choosing to visit. That it didn't matter what church or what bible I was reading that it was about the personal relationship I was developing in my own time, in my own home and my own heart. The bible yes as important as it is, not just because it's some book but because it holds the teachings, the word of God. His spirit is within the written scripture. We can't see Him standing in front of us but what we do have is His word and when you have faith in your heart it's not about seeing Him or reading about Him it's feeling Him in your heart, mind and soul.
What I discovered along this journey so far is that there is no greater love that fills your heart than His love and that everything else looks a lot more beautiful and there is more meaning to this thing called life. Every step you take is different and brighter because you realize you are walking towards something so great it's hard to describe how great. I feel blessed to be able to follow in my parents footsteps and teach my children about the Lord and Life and Love.
I have also discovered how broken I am.....stronger than I was but still broken, I still need to be healed. I am not perfect, I have made choices in my life that aren't exactly good, I've been vulgar at times and just simply stepped off the path at times. But I try my best, I try! The Lord has blessed me with a lot of ups and downs, and yes even the downs are a blessing because it's a lesson in which we can either do better or do worse and God hopes we do better but He is there to catch us when we fall or hold our hand and walk forward with us.
With that said, the events in my past that I've experienced have really made me think what can I take from all of that and implement it to my decisionmaking nowadays and what am I worth and ready to settle for. I cannot settle for a life without God first. This journey is too incredible!
I love my family life. It's a gift to me in which I treasure everyday. I would love to share that with someone special one day, when the time is right. In the past I settled for mediocre, for the hope to be loved like I love. I thought oh me and the kids will be fine but things backfired. I wasn't valued, and me and the kids were taken for granted. I refuse to settle for that again.
Recently I thought maybe I had found that. There was sweetness and passion. Things I had never experienced before. But it became lost rather quick, lost in a me me me world which reminded me of just what I came out of. I felt disrespected and taken for granted. I had so much to offer but I felt like it wasn't good enough but then I would feel good enough and swept off my feet to only have that change depending on the day. Relationships have taught me that the only way it can simply work is if you are walking hand in hand and in relationship with Christ. To love unselfishly and always think of how you can make that person happy that day and how you can love that person and not demand or expect, but with that said, it needs to come naturally. What I want for my children is to have a mom that is strong and healthy but sensitive and everloving. When I welcome that person into my life I want them to have a role model, a man of absolute love and zest for life and family and love and just gentle in spirit. Someone who is ready and gets it because Lord knows they don't have that in a manly role currently.
What I have realized is that I don't "need" to be loved because I already am but what I want is to find that true love in a man one day, and be loved. I think it will happen, I'm a romantic at heart and a dreamer. But what I know is you can't go lookin for it, it will find you ;) And I hope it find me in my future.....
Wow, I've managed to ramble on quite a bit. I might have to reread and make sure it all makes sense. Oh well, it just felt good to sit in quiet and write what was weighing on my heart.
Till next time......
Blessings from my heart to yours xo
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Blogger Is Back!
I am sitting here on a Sunday morning, children laughing, playing and of course fighting in the background. My heart has been aching to write again. There is something about blogging that is just so therapeutic, public..... yes, personal...... definitely, but...... it's life. Life is not meant to be sheltered or hidden and through blogging in the past I have connected with such amazing and wonderful people and together we are not alone. Not writing the past 6 mths I have felt a bit of emptiness. I have been writing for 3 years now and life has taken a turn in such a beautiful way that I can't help it anymore :))
So where I left off, I was still a married woman - stand up ALL, and give me a WOOT WOOT....well I am now Divorced. I say that with such happiness and relief. Not just because I am free of my ex but I am FREE of the baggage that came with being attached to him, my heart is free of the ache and pain.
When did it start...... well back in July I was invited by my sweet sister friend to her church camp. We were invited every year as a family but it just never happened, this year it was approaching around another empty wedding anniversary and I felt the need and call in my heart to go with the kids. One of the best gifts my friend has ever shared with me (aside from her heart) the spirit flowed that week, touched my heart in ways I never imagined could ever be possible. To try and explain the feeling is beyond what words are capable of but the closest I can think of is the most beautiful, gentle hug that just filled my body with the sense of "I am loved by Him" and I am not alone, I could feel the broken pieces of my heart start to mend right in that moment, it was physically painful yet physically warming, tears flowed and flowed and flowed. I came home from the camp and had the need to move. Start over, start fresh, start NEW! So that's exactly what I did.
I was instantly approved for a mortgage and bought my very first home, moved within a couple weeks. I got rid of some things, and rearranged some old things and the kids and I decided it was time to not have my ex come and go in our home. When he would it felt like this dark cloud suffocating us. Our new house wasn't just a house it became a home a place of stability, love and new found hope and we needed to make sure nothing was going to taint that. Every day we were healing and the pain was disappearing. Sure we were still piecing together issues regarding visitation and new feelings of anger and resentment was starting to boil but, I just let it out, I couldn't hold it in anymore I needed "him" to know just how I felt and feel and just like that I was set free a ;ittle more. I can look at him now and see nothing, he is merely a person, one in which I share children with but it's like any love or hate I felt for that man vanished, I am numb to it and it's absolutely breathtaking.
((....A secret....even my subconscious is free!! Every night from the moment the nightmare started I would have this reoccurring dream. Every night for the first year i would wake up in a state of panic and this sharp pain in my heart it literally felt like someone was ripping my heart in half, no tylenol or advil in my medicine cabinet worked, any medication the doctors would prescribe wouldn't work and the dreams wouldn't stop. I felt like this was my death, I wanted it to end for it to go away and be over. I felt like "he" took everything from me, "she" was helping him, I couldn't stand the pain my kids were dealing with everyday and I was tired of hard it was to just breath. I couldn't even find peace in my sleep how could I find peace when I would wake. Then after everything I wrote about above about starting new and the experience at the camp and just starting over...... the dreams started changing, I could feel myself letting go in my sleep, then it happened......
my last dream .... happened like this.......
"he is crying, begging for forgiveness, professing his love, wanting to come home.. we are in public, he is standing in front of me but I can see through him like he is a ghost, I don't believe it, any of it, I can't have it, I say goodbye and he stands there "exposed" in front of everyone (at tim hortons *giggle*) and everyone is staring and pointing, there must have been 40 people eyeing him down and just like that it was done. I woke up, there was no pain in my heart, I was laughing. So my interpretation, is I finally saw "through" him and so did everyone else.
The dreams are gone, the feelings are gone, the love is gone, the marriage is over.....
Now my heart is learning how to trust again, how to open up again, how to love again. It's a world I'm not used to and I've been away from it for 8 years, it's exciting, it's positively thrilling, it's sensational, and heartwarming. Every once in awhile thoughts and feelings of being unworthy of love and happiness creep in and I get scared and that is the only part of hate that I still have towards "him" Hearing I was not good enough for so long, it's hard to stop those tapes from rolling in my mind but it's getting better, everyday those voices are lowering and the last bit of myself is healing.
My dad always said that famous saying that I didn't quite get until now....
"where one door closes.............. another one opens"
Well it's opened - and it's fricking awesome!!
So this sums it up, where I am...... 6 mths later :)) I couldn't have done it without you, your prayers, your encouragement, love of family and friends and strangers and most of all the Grace of our One and Only!!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
I love you too........
There was a message tonight to post a link to my bestfriends blog, and as I read the words she wrote, I couldn't have wrote it any better myself. It's truth, love and heartache. Thank you for writing with your heart Kristin!!! So if everyone could please click on this link and read the post Kristin wrote about our family......it's beautiful~!.
http://whatyoutalkingaboutkrissie.blogspot.com/
It's all in the post, The good the bad and the ugly!
http://whatyoutalkingaboutkrissie.blogspot.com/
It's all in the post, The good the bad and the ugly!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
from the inside....out
What my heart has ached this past year is well best worded by the professionals....."traumatic". How can a mind make any sense out of something so horrible? It can't....simply can't. Recently a few more things happened that...well....just shouldn't have. And after going over in my head what could I have done different, the answer is nothing.
I have had ghosts in my life. Ones I have wanted to face for years. And going through this separation with my husband has helped me to find ways to lay certain things to rest. I have struggled with forgiveness and how to go about it and what boundaries I should have and how much trust to give. I wanted nothing more than to do the right thing, and I never thought for one second that the right thing could turn out to be a horrific thing. And really that goes for everything.
I gave my hand, my heart, my body, my love, my life, and my trust to only have it all shattered, rejected, put down, spat on, torn apart and scarred. How dare these men in my life take me for granted and toy around with every bit of my being. To what, gain some satisfaction in their life, to justify the crap they call "good". To try and convince me that I am a nothing, a nobody, a crazy idiot. To try and convince others of such. The line has been crossed for the last time. How dare you make me feel little, how dare you rob me of love, how dare you tear apart something we worked so hard to create. How dare you put the other one in front of your everything, our everything. But you SOB's can have eachother. You will never ever take another piece of me again, you will never take anymore from my children. You and everyone involved in "your world" have a distorted vision of what respect, and love truly is. I want no part anylonger. You can have eachother because I am done.
It has been almost a year since this shit. I am not taking one ounce of this with me another year. I am done. It's disturbing, chaotic shit and they can have that .....I will allow it no longer. I am turning a new leaf and for those of you that know me you will enjoy the newness with me. I am going to move forward and start a clean path to walk on this year. The church and friends and family I have in my life far outweigh the Aholes. My kids and I are starting a new beginning. This new year is going to be beautiful and full of life and togetherness. I have so many fun things planned for this year and I know, I truly hope our family will shine. We have yet another mountain to climb but this time...any so called "mountain goats" get my my way or the way of my children, let hope they are wearing a nut guard because my steel toed boots are ready!!!!!!
I have been dreading this moment. I have dabbled a few times in saying goodbye to the blogger world but now I have no choice, as well as saying goodbye to so many other things as well. I have decided to take my writings and make something of it......
Thank you all who have supported me and my family through this hell.
Blessings from my heart to yours.
I have had ghosts in my life. Ones I have wanted to face for years. And going through this separation with my husband has helped me to find ways to lay certain things to rest. I have struggled with forgiveness and how to go about it and what boundaries I should have and how much trust to give. I wanted nothing more than to do the right thing, and I never thought for one second that the right thing could turn out to be a horrific thing. And really that goes for everything.
I gave my hand, my heart, my body, my love, my life, and my trust to only have it all shattered, rejected, put down, spat on, torn apart and scarred. How dare these men in my life take me for granted and toy around with every bit of my being. To what, gain some satisfaction in their life, to justify the crap they call "good". To try and convince me that I am a nothing, a nobody, a crazy idiot. To try and convince others of such. The line has been crossed for the last time. How dare you make me feel little, how dare you rob me of love, how dare you tear apart something we worked so hard to create. How dare you put the other one in front of your everything, our everything. But you SOB's can have eachother. You will never ever take another piece of me again, you will never take anymore from my children. You and everyone involved in "your world" have a distorted vision of what respect, and love truly is. I want no part anylonger. You can have eachother because I am done.
It has been almost a year since this shit. I am not taking one ounce of this with me another year. I am done. It's disturbing, chaotic shit and they can have that .....I will allow it no longer. I am turning a new leaf and for those of you that know me you will enjoy the newness with me. I am going to move forward and start a clean path to walk on this year. The church and friends and family I have in my life far outweigh the Aholes. My kids and I are starting a new beginning. This new year is going to be beautiful and full of life and togetherness. I have so many fun things planned for this year and I know, I truly hope our family will shine. We have yet another mountain to climb but this time...any so called "mountain goats" get my my way or the way of my children, let hope they are wearing a nut guard because my steel toed boots are ready!!!!!!
I have been dreading this moment. I have dabbled a few times in saying goodbye to the blogger world but now I have no choice, as well as saying goodbye to so many other things as well. I have decided to take my writings and make something of it......
Thank you all who have supported me and my family through this hell.
Blessings from my heart to yours.
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Amidst the Chaos
Friday after having a bit of a mental breakdown, bawling after being puked on and pooped on and kids screaming and the dumbness invading my brain from the lack of sleep, well my sweet friend reminded me to stop and pray, pray for God to give me the strength I will need to get through that day. I took Cohen in my arms, layed on the couch and started praying. I literally said "AMEN" and Carter raced down the stairs "Mom, your friend is here" ... "What friend Carter"..."The one with the curly hair". In wonderment I went upstairs as Becca was meeting me half way, "I'm here to help, what can I do".... WHAT??????? SERIOUSLY?????? My grandma called and said she would be able to come in....WHAT?????? An hour later Justin called to lend a hand WHAT??????? Well........was that not a prayer just answered. For all of that and more I am thankful. I feel so blessed to have the help around here that I need, usually when I least expect it. Friends and family, you are wonderful!!!! And for those that are praying You are wonderful!!!!!!!!!
I am sitting here thinking of everything I am thankful for which has minimized the feelings of being overwhelmed.... My top 20!
1) my friends daily reminders to stop, pray and be thankful
2) some loving and encouraging words from my family
3) friends offering to babysit
4) friends just popping on in to help with laundry and dinner and watching the kids so I can nap and take Cohen to the hospital
5) extra help from the kids dad
6)the 45 minute nap that I was able to have
7) the hour long bath in my spa room
8) Icecream :P
9) water/soap combinations to rid the stench of upchuck
10) a great working washer and dryer
11) easy and quick meals
12) a super fast Family Pizza nearby
13) my dustbuster
14) my bed...it's so comfy
15) my kids patience
16) leather couches (they wipe so easily)
17) the spring weather so I could open up the windows and air out the house
18) jammies
19) the Bible to give me comfort
20) nintendo ds (brain age 2) to get my mind busy
I am sitting here thinking of everything I am thankful for which has minimized the feelings of being overwhelmed.... My top 20!
1) my friends daily reminders to stop, pray and be thankful
2) some loving and encouraging words from my family
3) friends offering to babysit
4) friends just popping on in to help with laundry and dinner and watching the kids so I can nap and take Cohen to the hospital
5) extra help from the kids dad
6)the 45 minute nap that I was able to have
7) the hour long bath in my spa room
8) Icecream :P
9) water/soap combinations to rid the stench of upchuck
10) a great working washer and dryer
11) easy and quick meals
12) a super fast Family Pizza nearby
13) my dustbuster
14) my bed...it's so comfy
15) my kids patience
16) leather couches (they wipe so easily)
17) the spring weather so I could open up the windows and air out the house
18) jammies
19) the Bible to give me comfort
20) nintendo ds (brain age 2) to get my mind busy
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Randomness Day
I was surprised I got up and ready as fast as I did this morning. I mean I knew the life insurance dude was coming this morning however past "inhome" appointments I am still in my jammies. Nope not today - and good thing I might add because he showed up dressed in a gentleman's suit and very handsome indeed - so distracted by hit hottness that I was practically feeding Brady's forehead. Same thing happened the other day, I'm at the "center" and I happen to run into "again" this wonderful gentleman and I say gentleman because he is in every sense of the word and I stood there weak in the knees totally melting like jello, even after dancing a little latin chacha you'd think I'd be all cool but nope, I totally felt like a dork. I guess I kinda am a dork surrounded by these extremely good good looking men.
I mean I have been around man friend's and it doesn't phase me but since I've entered the so-called single's world I've become a tad nervous and I'm not normally nervous. But I feel like this : You know when you were in elementary school ... the early early years, and you'd see a cute boy on the playground, look at him - giggle - smile - and run away. That's EXACTLY how I feel. But being a grown woman it looks rather strange and I do just that except not exactly run away :) and on top of it I feel like the words that come out of my mouth sound a little like yogabbagagga babble.
So back to life insurance - One more thing off my to do list.
I have started thinking about the "future" in a realistic sort of way. What happens when the kids decide they want to go to school..... enroll children in RESP's (check)
What happens if I become ill or non-existent in human form (ok dead but I hate that word it just sounds so morbid and not just because it is morbid but it's just an ugly word).... so I made a will and applied for life insurance (double check)
Now before "JS's" next visit to put up a sign on my bathroom door saying "no toasters allowed" ...kidding kidding kidding.
After the meeting was over this morning my parents came by to babysit the kids and I was off to my "hair heaven" Color Bar, to see Sheena. She is just one of the greatest hair stylists around. I will drop any activity or vacation planned to have the chance to SIT in her hair chair. She just knows what you need without you saying it and she never does a bad job, heck she never does a mediocre job... I always enter feeling a bit drab and boring and leave feeling like one hot mamma. So Sheena's treat of the day, back to blonde I go. Blonde is my natural hair color and to help get me back to where I once was and have a fresh look for spring I have a combination of lo-lites and high-lites.
I get home and am lovingly and excitedly greeted at the door by my 4 little munchkins who act like I've been gone on a week long vacation when in all actuality I was gone for a total of one hour and forty five minutes. One of many reasons why I love being a mom. A few moments later my phone rang....My dear sweet neighbour Lou. She is a woman of ageless wonder, late 70's and watching her 4 young grandchildren. We had a nice visit outside watching the children play and then it started to get bitterly cold so we moved inside and had a hot cup of tea and continued our chat. See Lou's husband has been passed now for 2 years. They were married for 50 years and shared 7 children together. She still loves her husband with all her heart. And as she sat across from me and talked about him I just couldn't take my eyes off of her. Her eyes started to get a little watery and red yet she had the biggest smile. I was just captivated by the little things she would mention about him, just ordinary stuff but it seemed so magical. Then she had to go, and I found myself wanting more, as if she was a storyteller ending the day on chapter one, it's just getting good, learning a bit about the characters and the plot and then the book closed ---until next time. I know Lou likes tea and loves to talk so I am sure there will be a next time. That and she said so :)
And that brings us to tonight. It was a busy night like most nights. Tonight the two little ones were a bit of a handful. But a happy little bunch. Brady was so excited to be in the bathtub that be pooped and when I took him out to clean things up he peed, I bathed him a total of 4 times. And Cohen, off the bottle *fingers crossed* hopefully forever. His bottle has been his crutch these past months, kinda like his security blanket. So tonight he asked for milk in a sippy cup and I thought perfect opportunity to see if he is willing to give his bottles to my friends baby Avery. So I got him a big bag, he packed ALL his bottles, nipples and caps and hung it on the mailbox in hopes that Avery's mommy would come pick it up but what he doesn't know is that, that's not happening because they just left for Hawaii... Which reminds me I better bring in the bag of bottles and hide them downstairs. We had one instance tonight where Cohen asked if he could have a bottle, I said he had enough milk and the bottles were all gone to bye bye land. So once this bigboy step is mastered completely we'll be back to potty training. Right now it's starting but we're not overly (stupiess) ------ (wow I just dozed off and that was the last word typed. Where did that come from and what does it mean) Odd!! I guess that's it...I'm pooped, sleep looks good about now, Brady is crashed beside me. I'm outtie!!
Toodles...
till next time xo
I mean I have been around man friend's and it doesn't phase me but since I've entered the so-called single's world I've become a tad nervous and I'm not normally nervous. But I feel like this : You know when you were in elementary school ... the early early years, and you'd see a cute boy on the playground, look at him - giggle - smile - and run away. That's EXACTLY how I feel. But being a grown woman it looks rather strange and I do just that except not exactly run away :) and on top of it I feel like the words that come out of my mouth sound a little like yogabbagagga babble.
So back to life insurance - One more thing off my to do list.
I have started thinking about the "future" in a realistic sort of way. What happens when the kids decide they want to go to school..... enroll children in RESP's (check)
What happens if I become ill or non-existent in human form (ok dead but I hate that word it just sounds so morbid and not just because it is morbid but it's just an ugly word).... so I made a will and applied for life insurance (double check)
Now before "JS's" next visit to put up a sign on my bathroom door saying "no toasters allowed" ...kidding kidding kidding.
After the meeting was over this morning my parents came by to babysit the kids and I was off to my "hair heaven" Color Bar, to see Sheena. She is just one of the greatest hair stylists around. I will drop any activity or vacation planned to have the chance to SIT in her hair chair. She just knows what you need without you saying it and she never does a bad job, heck she never does a mediocre job... I always enter feeling a bit drab and boring and leave feeling like one hot mamma. So Sheena's treat of the day, back to blonde I go. Blonde is my natural hair color and to help get me back to where I once was and have a fresh look for spring I have a combination of lo-lites and high-lites.
I get home and am lovingly and excitedly greeted at the door by my 4 little munchkins who act like I've been gone on a week long vacation when in all actuality I was gone for a total of one hour and forty five minutes. One of many reasons why I love being a mom. A few moments later my phone rang....My dear sweet neighbour Lou. She is a woman of ageless wonder, late 70's and watching her 4 young grandchildren. We had a nice visit outside watching the children play and then it started to get bitterly cold so we moved inside and had a hot cup of tea and continued our chat. See Lou's husband has been passed now for 2 years. They were married for 50 years and shared 7 children together. She still loves her husband with all her heart. And as she sat across from me and talked about him I just couldn't take my eyes off of her. Her eyes started to get a little watery and red yet she had the biggest smile. I was just captivated by the little things she would mention about him, just ordinary stuff but it seemed so magical. Then she had to go, and I found myself wanting more, as if she was a storyteller ending the day on chapter one, it's just getting good, learning a bit about the characters and the plot and then the book closed ---until next time. I know Lou likes tea and loves to talk so I am sure there will be a next time. That and she said so :)
And that brings us to tonight. It was a busy night like most nights. Tonight the two little ones were a bit of a handful. But a happy little bunch. Brady was so excited to be in the bathtub that be pooped and when I took him out to clean things up he peed, I bathed him a total of 4 times. And Cohen, off the bottle *fingers crossed* hopefully forever. His bottle has been his crutch these past months, kinda like his security blanket. So tonight he asked for milk in a sippy cup and I thought perfect opportunity to see if he is willing to give his bottles to my friends baby Avery. So I got him a big bag, he packed ALL his bottles, nipples and caps and hung it on the mailbox in hopes that Avery's mommy would come pick it up but what he doesn't know is that, that's not happening because they just left for Hawaii... Which reminds me I better bring in the bag of bottles and hide them downstairs. We had one instance tonight where Cohen asked if he could have a bottle, I said he had enough milk and the bottles were all gone to bye bye land. So once this bigboy step is mastered completely we'll be back to potty training. Right now it's starting but we're not overly (stupiess) ------ (wow I just dozed off and that was the last word typed. Where did that come from and what does it mean) Odd!! I guess that's it...I'm pooped, sleep looks good about now, Brady is crashed beside me. I'm outtie!!
Toodles...
till next time xo
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Happy Easter
Easter is about Jesus, dying on the cross to save us from our sins and give us life everlasting. Sure we have chocolate bunny treats galore, toys and gifts, turkey stuffing and mashed potatoes, decorated boiled eggs and springy flowers but what about celebrating the true blessing each one of us has been given..................Life. Taking a moment and thanking God for something so big yet something we take for granted each and every day.
Emily, I am thankful for your true beauty inside and out. I have never met another little girl who has a heart more full of love than yours. I admire your spirit and how it flows from being a child to grownupland but when you hug me you are still my baby girl in every way.
Carter, I am thankful for your imagination, without your stories I would forget what it is like to be a child and I am thankful I am reminded of that innocence each and every day. We are able to dream during the day because of your bright little mind.
Cohen, I am thankful for your humor, your laughter and your sillyness. When I look at you I am reminded of Grandpa Corky and his will to chuckle in every occasion. Your joy is like my sunshine no matter what time of day it is.
My Brady boo, I am thankful for your baby strength. You are so little yet so mighty, you have had the will to live from the moment you entered this world. You are this little ball of love, life and adventure all rolled into one.
Thank you God for my children, when I look at them I see Your truth.
Love, love and more love, from our hearts to yours
Happy Easter
.................. ............. .......... ..... ... .
Emily, I am thankful for your true beauty inside and out. I have never met another little girl who has a heart more full of love than yours. I admire your spirit and how it flows from being a child to grownupland but when you hug me you are still my baby girl in every way.
Carter, I am thankful for your imagination, without your stories I would forget what it is like to be a child and I am thankful I am reminded of that innocence each and every day. We are able to dream during the day because of your bright little mind.
Cohen, I am thankful for your humor, your laughter and your sillyness. When I look at you I am reminded of Grandpa Corky and his will to chuckle in every occasion. Your joy is like my sunshine no matter what time of day it is.
My Brady boo, I am thankful for your baby strength. You are so little yet so mighty, you have had the will to live from the moment you entered this world. You are this little ball of love, life and adventure all rolled into one.
Thank you God for my children, when I look at them I see Your truth.
Love, love and more love, from our hearts to yours
Happy Easter
.................. ............. .......... ..... ... .
:S
www.carissaseitz.blogspot.com
I did a post and tried importing it, but I am still trying to learn about all the fancy blogger stuff so click on the link and enjoy a mini Easter post.
As well I think I am going to drop the newer blog... I am finding it way too hard to keep up with one blog let alone two blogs. So I am going to continue on with www.jcseitz.blogspot.com. Keep it fresh, keep it real, mommy, me, kids, life laddydah didah stuff :)
I did a post and tried importing it, but I am still trying to learn about all the fancy blogger stuff so click on the link and enjoy a mini Easter post.
As well I think I am going to drop the newer blog... I am finding it way too hard to keep up with one blog let alone two blogs. So I am going to continue on with www.jcseitz.blogspot.com. Keep it fresh, keep it real, mommy, me, kids, life laddydah didah stuff :)
Monday, April 13, 2009
A Kit Kat Moment
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..............
I just got Brady to sleep, it is almost midnight and I thought what better what to sit and think about what to blog about but by taking a break and enjoying a kit kat bar. Yes I am my own commercial at times but hey, when you spend a lot of time alone or with children this kind of stuff is amusing. Gets me thinking, which I am told I do wayyy too much of.
Guess my thinking is going to have to continue because Brady just woke up as I finished that sentence and Cohen is also waking up. As well I accidentally finished my kit kat bar a LITTLE too fast :S
But here is a sneak peek of what I have been thinking about....forgiveness, stillness and happyness and the power of NESS and love, marriage, cons of the mind and heart and Easter the miracle :)
Before I forget...Happy Easter!!!!
Friday, March 27, 2009
My Climb
For those reading this through facebook click on www.jcseitz.blogspot.com ...I have some special music that captures my moment and emotion....
Here goes:
I picture the Lord standing beside us humans as we face the mountains in front of us and gently helping us along. Letting us take the climb but providing that fatherly lift when we just can't anymore.
Lord, You know who I am, yet you love me so. You never let me down you. You allowed me to stand in front of you and scream and curse you, yet you placed your hand on my shoulder and kissed my cheek and said "Daughter I love you. Come with me, I can't guarantee you won't hurt and feel broken at times but when you hold my hand, I will walk you through....even if you don't want to at the time I will never leave you"
A child of Christ I am and am becoming. I came from the gutter and I am not perfect, oh not even close. If I share what I am about to share you will know me, all of me and why accepting yet another cross is now ok...because I know it will be ok. You have seen the heartbreak my kids and I have lived through the past 10 mths but here is the last 14 years in a shrunken version. So you ask, how can I smile during times like these, how can I find happiness during times like these...well this is why.... :)
I was a stubborn, hard shelled little girl. One that thought she knew everything but knew nothing. I was picked on and ostrasized and always a follower. Just wanting to belong. And one day I did. To a troubled boy, who took something from me and scarred a part of me that I'm still blacked out from, which led to suicidal attempts, fights with parents, drugs, drinking, smoking, partying, rape, battling eating disorders, held against my will, being kicked out of my home at 15, living on the streets, in friends basements, at the YWCA, at friends homes, in my car, in and out of councelling centers, a taste of juevenile hall, psych ward to detox, dealing drugs, more men, more parties, hurting my siblings, hurting my family, walked out of highschool, got involved with a very unhealthy man, abusive in every way, had a baby, went into hiding, moved to Toronto engaged to another bad news bear, moved back home, didn't make the best choices while being a single parent, then enrolled myself into college to make a difference, met Justin, lost babies, had surgeries, moved around, had babies, married Justin and well the rest of it you know (if not check out the older posts they are available at the side of the blog:)).
Here goes:
I picture the Lord standing beside us humans as we face the mountains in front of us and gently helping us along. Letting us take the climb but providing that fatherly lift when we just can't anymore.
Lord, You know who I am, yet you love me so. You never let me down you. You allowed me to stand in front of you and scream and curse you, yet you placed your hand on my shoulder and kissed my cheek and said "Daughter I love you. Come with me, I can't guarantee you won't hurt and feel broken at times but when you hold my hand, I will walk you through....even if you don't want to at the time I will never leave you"
A child of Christ I am and am becoming. I came from the gutter and I am not perfect, oh not even close. If I share what I am about to share you will know me, all of me and why accepting yet another cross is now ok...because I know it will be ok. You have seen the heartbreak my kids and I have lived through the past 10 mths but here is the last 14 years in a shrunken version. So you ask, how can I smile during times like these, how can I find happiness during times like these...well this is why.... :)
I was a stubborn, hard shelled little girl. One that thought she knew everything but knew nothing. I was picked on and ostrasized and always a follower. Just wanting to belong. And one day I did. To a troubled boy, who took something from me and scarred a part of me that I'm still blacked out from, which led to suicidal attempts, fights with parents, drugs, drinking, smoking, partying, rape, battling eating disorders, held against my will, being kicked out of my home at 15, living on the streets, in friends basements, at the YWCA, at friends homes, in my car, in and out of councelling centers, a taste of juevenile hall, psych ward to detox, dealing drugs, more men, more parties, hurting my siblings, hurting my family, walked out of highschool, got involved with a very unhealthy man, abusive in every way, had a baby, went into hiding, moved to Toronto engaged to another bad news bear, moved back home, didn't make the best choices while being a single parent, then enrolled myself into college to make a difference, met Justin, lost babies, had surgeries, moved around, had babies, married Justin and well the rest of it you know (if not check out the older posts they are available at the side of the blog:)).
I have attempted to destroy this temple God blessed me with, I have allowed people to walk on me, control me and hurt me, I have managed to do it to myself as well. And why? I don't know, I really don't. But from ALL of this I am finding out who I am, and who God is wanting me to be. "Finding" is the key word. It's a journey.....A climb and I'M CLIMBING!!!
To be honest after Justin left me I didn't know who I was supposed to be anymore. I was so hurt that I lost myself. I allowed him to take that away from me, he thought he was mighty enough to take that part of me and destroy it as he did this family. He continues to try and ruin our happiness, day after day. But the difference if from then to now and after everything is I don't give a flying F@#$ He may have destroyed it but I am blessed with REBUILDING it! Pouring so much love and happiness in the home that it doesn't matter what we come by we can still find something to smile, and laugh about. If I could get through all of the shit from my past I am sure I can get through this and I am. I have been doing it all along just not realizing so. Of course there are going to be more mountains to climb, of course there will be times where shit will hit the fan but I say this with certainty......who cares, it will be ok. It is ok. Our life can be taken from us in a second, people can be ripped away from us in a second but in that second we still lived and have been given the gift to live and for that we embrace it. Embrace the beauty and embrace the ugly. Life is a gift, happiness is a choice, love is a blessing. God is forever, so make Him proud.
I gotta be honest though, this has felt like the worst, not just because of how everything went about but because it forced me to relive the past and question my being and remember where I was and how I got here and everytime I felt like I was standing on my feet I was allowing my husband to shove me down to the ground over and over and over and I felt like I was getting now where until one day I woke up. And God was standing there reaching out to me yelling gracefully "c'mon....what are you waiting for" You have it all, you have your children, your family, your friends, YOU HAVE LIFE....and most importantly YOU HAVE ME!!!!!!!!" "Why say you are searching for love and happiness when you are loved and happiness is within, grip it and feel it and honor it".
This has been brewing in my Saved Box for awhile now, finding the right words. I was talking with a friend about blogging, well actually a few and a few fellow bloggers, why do we blog, what's the point, it's so private, why share. So this is why for me anyways............ It's the TRUTH. Look around you and who is scared to say something honest because of how they might look, say ones life is falling apart and they feel so alone no one to reach out to well....this is a good way to know YOU are not alone. There is a reason why I have been given these experiences, and it's not to bottle it up and hide and be ashamed of it...I once was. I used to be so scared of what I lived through and why it's what happened....express it, reveal it, share it, show the good, the bad and the ugly. If I am great I'll let you know I'm great...If life is the craps well, hey it's the craps. Tomorrow will be better, heck the next 5 minutes will be better. Sometimes I question myself whether or not I've said to much but also it helps me. It's so therapeutic to just GET IT OUT! It's different than a journal, it stays here, in my home, in my drawer, in my circle. Blogging puts it out there, it helps me get rid of the icky feelings and welcome the freshness.
Just thought I would mention...so yeah, thank you again for following my blogs. For helping me, encouraging me, praying for me and my children. We're getting there :)....and it's super cool ;)
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
What's your miracle?
A definition of a "Miracle":
An event that appears inexplicable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural in origin or an act of God: “Miracles are spontaneous, they cannot be summoned, but come of themselves” (Katherine Anne Porter).
We have all different kinds of miracles. You have the BIG ones like giving birth and the little ones that normally aren't considered miracles like getting to the grocery store safely while driving on slippery roads however when you add all the little ones up they actually turn into ONE BIG miracle. I believe something such as overcoming a fear or a broken heart is one because our human flesh has the natural response to stay in a deadend zone but with God things become ever changing and beautiful.
I was so tired of being in a state of brokeness and now I am so thankful for it. I don't wish it to happen ever again but really I don't know who I would be today without it. I love what is becoming, what I'm discovering, learning, achieving physically, emotionally but most of all spiritually.
So I started making a mental list about all the big and little miracles I have been given in my life. Over the past 10 mths we were praying for a miracle,we were praying for life to become a bit easier and it wasn't until I stopped and thought about everything over the last 10mths have I realized we've been given great miracles.
I was given a gift of a cleaning lady, a family photo shoot, kids showing up on my doorstep to shovel for $20, babysitters on call all the time, an amazing school accomodating our busy schedule (seriously what school does that) I love Prince Philip!!!!! Christian councellors and a christian lawyer, friends and some new ones that are all connected somehow, accepting the apology of "the other woman", moms group, meals, gifts to help lessen the errands, awesome doctors that try and speed things up for the kids, a super dentist that gives deals, a health care nurse that checks in all the time, a car dealership that picks my van up free of charge and gives me a loaner whenever my van even needs an oil change, my friends, family and children, and all the sadness and heartache that I'm overcoming. Everything and everyone God has placed in my life has become a miracle to me.
And the biggest realization of all..............................
is that all these miracles add up to the BIG ONE
which is
LIFE!
So I challenge you to sit and reflect on all the little and big things in your life, happening around you and see how content with life you will become.........I know I am :)
An event that appears inexplicable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural in origin or an act of God: “Miracles are spontaneous, they cannot be summoned, but come of themselves” (Katherine Anne Porter).
We have all different kinds of miracles. You have the BIG ones like giving birth and the little ones that normally aren't considered miracles like getting to the grocery store safely while driving on slippery roads however when you add all the little ones up they actually turn into ONE BIG miracle. I believe something such as overcoming a fear or a broken heart is one because our human flesh has the natural response to stay in a deadend zone but with God things become ever changing and beautiful.
I was so tired of being in a state of brokeness and now I am so thankful for it. I don't wish it to happen ever again but really I don't know who I would be today without it. I love what is becoming, what I'm discovering, learning, achieving physically, emotionally but most of all spiritually.
So I started making a mental list about all the big and little miracles I have been given in my life. Over the past 10 mths we were praying for a miracle,we were praying for life to become a bit easier and it wasn't until I stopped and thought about everything over the last 10mths have I realized we've been given great miracles.
I was given a gift of a cleaning lady, a family photo shoot, kids showing up on my doorstep to shovel for $20, babysitters on call all the time, an amazing school accomodating our busy schedule (seriously what school does that) I love Prince Philip!!!!! Christian councellors and a christian lawyer, friends and some new ones that are all connected somehow, accepting the apology of "the other woman", moms group, meals, gifts to help lessen the errands, awesome doctors that try and speed things up for the kids, a super dentist that gives deals, a health care nurse that checks in all the time, a car dealership that picks my van up free of charge and gives me a loaner whenever my van even needs an oil change, my friends, family and children, and all the sadness and heartache that I'm overcoming. Everything and everyone God has placed in my life has become a miracle to me.
And the biggest realization of all..............................
is that all these miracles add up to the BIG ONE
which is
LIFE!
So I challenge you to sit and reflect on all the little and big things in your life, happening around you and see how content with life you will become.........I know I am :)
A miracle within the hearts of these children. A special birthday treat for their daddy and a day to remember by each one of them. I am so thankful to have been able to catch this moment and freeze it for the children to remember.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
~*Forever*~
I have been asked few questions lately one of which was who did we use to be. So I thought why not make a memorial post of just that. We used to be happy, so very happy and I think that is something to be proud of and celebrate. I did love our marriage and I love what we created during our marriage and that's what I am taking with me. Our signature was Ben Harper's "Forever" Speaks the truth. Unfortunately our forever ended a little early and the one last gift he gave to me was to be able to spiritually move forward and find that forever again. ;) I had it once and oooh I'll have it again but BIGGER and BETTER!!
So here is a glimpse of what was Carissa and Justin Seitz!
Not talkin' 'bout a year no not three or four
I don't want that kind of forever
in my life anymore
forever always seems
forever always seemsto be around when it begins
but forever never seems
to be around when it ends
so give me your foreverplease your forever
not a day less will do
from you
People spend so much time
People spend so much time
every single day
runnin' 'round all over town
givin' their forever away
but no not me
I won't let my forever roam
and now I hope I can find
my forever a home
so give me your foreverplease your forever
not a day less will do
from you
Like a handless clock with numbers
an infinite of time
no not the forever found
only in the mind
forever always seems
to be around when things begin
but forever never seems
to be around when things end
so give me your forever
please your forever
not a day less will do
from you
from you
Monday, March 16, 2009
Dearest Daughter
My daughter Emmy, she is of absolute beauty. All my children are but Em is caring a heavy burden in her heart. I've often wondered what it would be like to be in her shoes. She's strong and mature, helpful and loving, yet sensitive and broken. She pretends like she has the world figured out and to some degree she does. She's had to grow up so fast and it hasn't been fair. But she takes it. And as tough as it is for her to remember her role as being a 10 year old little girl it does get lost in the shuffle of a household of 3 little boys and a single mom.
She is facing such competition between her brothers and her father. I wish he could see just how precious this time is and try and understand what is aching in her heart. Instead it gets dismissed and she gets put back into her place. Standing there feeling more lost and unsure of who she is and who she is supposed to be. Before and after her dad left he put so much devastation in her world and didn't help teach her how to cope, she was just supposed to know that adults are adults and she just has to deal with it. But at 10 how can you. The preteen years where you look at your father like they are your everything, so much admiration. As every age is precious this age is fragile. They are coming into their own and it's so important to make sure we act as we teach for when they enter into the world in a more grown up manner our behaviour hopefully reflects their behaviour. Of course they will pave their own pathway and make there own choices but it's the roots, and firmly grounding those roots for something to think on and fall back on. We were on the road to planting those roots and then they were cut right off from underneath her feet. So I am trying to replant them and every monday, thursday and every second saturday they get cut back a little more. And we have to work that much harder at fixing it but at least it's a positive step.
I think the hardest part about being a parent is being unable to fix "everything". Especially a broken heart. When change is staring at you right in the face but is unwilling it makes being that single parent that much harder and there left is that broken heart.
What am I leaning on to help walk my daughter through this is constant reassurance. Love, faith, patience, perserverance, hope and believing. And knowing. Knowing that only we can bring ourselves the happiness our heart needs to thrive and live by God and God alone. To respect her parents but to follow what she knows is right (hopefully I can continue to overshadow the not so right especially right now) and to love the ability of being able to choose her way and honor it. To pray in times of distress and when she gets that icky feeling in her tummy, to pray in times of contentness and happiness. To trust and believe that even though her earthly father has let her down her heavenly father NEVER will and is right there beside her holding her hand and wiping her tears and smiling at her every step of her way.
I think of years and how many years are actually "left" to make a difference. I only have 2 summers before she's a teen....5.5 years before she will drive and 7 years of summers before she is either graduated or off to college. I hope she stays home for awhile but the point is, 10 years have already passed right by and doing damage control in only a couple years is somethin else.
If I could please ask for prayer for her heart. For her to feel loved and trusted and for her to trust and love herself. For her to lean on her heavenly father while her earthly father isn't emotionally there and for that dad to become the dad this little girl really needs. Amen!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
It's Up...
http://www.carissaseitz.blogspot.com
I'll still post on this site as well...hopefully I can keep up :)
Enjoy
I'll still post on this site as well...hopefully I can keep up :)
Enjoy
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Proverbs 4:23
"Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life."
This verse has brought so much light to my mind and has really made me think and think and think some more........
After reflecting over what's happened the past 9mths, I have come to such a state of contentness and peace and love. Instead of dwelling over the cards I've been dealt I've decided to play the hand I've been given to the best of my ability. I'm so happy, so excited and just ready. More ready than I have ever been. I have the rest of my life ahead of me the lives of 4 beautiful children. My actions need to reflect goodness and goodness is what they will learn and how they will expect to be treated and how they will be expected to treat others, I deserve no less and nor do they.
I'm not looking back, I'm moving forward. I've needed to take the past few weeks and really question myself and my plan for my family and I'm so thrilled I did. I have just really truly and graciously accepted this cross. If the Lord was standing in front of me now asking me what my next step is going to be, will I take this as a burden and fall or will I take it as a gift and stand. Well I have accepted it as a gift and I would not be the person I am today if none of this happened. I've found myself again and I've also been able to really enjoy life amidst all the chaos. I've started to read more, spend more quality time with my kids and my friends and family, I've started painting again (when there is time), cooking and enjoying some wine and writing and recently I was reminded of what it was like to dance again, Oh how I've missed the chacha, and I plan to do more of it!!!!! I have always wanted to dance in the rain, so since spring is approaching I'm going to practice and the first warm rain we have I'll be the "presumed crazy lady" dancing on the streets of Preston Ave ;)
As well I have started a new blog...it's not quite up yet but will be soon. It's to celebrate being a mom and to share the wonders of having 4 children and just us, our new life.
It will be http://www.carissaseitz.blogspot.com/
Hopefully I will have it up and running soon!!
Thank you again for reading and sharing this journey with me.
Blessings to you all,
Carissa
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
My Vacation...
Ok so maybe at this point in my life taking a holiday outside of my home is a little much... however I was able to pack up my emotions and take a bit of a spiritual vacation. Just like any vacation it had it's moments, more towards the end...a few bumps here and there but for the most part it was lovely.
I was able to finally finish reading The Shack. I recommend it to anyone who hasn't read it yet. But a few key things, Pray before you read it and while you read it. It is a FICTIONAL novel and it can confuse or distort somethings. However I found it helped me reflect on love, life, and forgiveness (the biggest part in the book for me I'd say). Especially with what's been going on in my life. But like any book that has anything to do about the goodness and grace of God, one has to be careful as to not idolize the book, follow the readings as if it's the only truth because....well.....there is only one book for that. So yeah, some things were waaayyy out there and somethings were so graciously written. An interesting read if anything.... I am interested in hearing from anyone else that has read it and what your opinion is.
Another sweet discovery was coming across Matthew 6:26-27 ...with my friend Kristin.
".......Look at the birds! They don't worry about what to eat-they don't need to sow or reap or store up food - for your heavenly father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to Him than they are. Will all your worries add a single moment to your life?"
A reflection I"m going to end with..... :)
I was able to finally finish reading The Shack. I recommend it to anyone who hasn't read it yet. But a few key things, Pray before you read it and while you read it. It is a FICTIONAL novel and it can confuse or distort somethings. However I found it helped me reflect on love, life, and forgiveness (the biggest part in the book for me I'd say). Especially with what's been going on in my life. But like any book that has anything to do about the goodness and grace of God, one has to be careful as to not idolize the book, follow the readings as if it's the only truth because....well.....there is only one book for that. So yeah, some things were waaayyy out there and somethings were so graciously written. An interesting read if anything.... I am interested in hearing from anyone else that has read it and what your opinion is.
Another sweet discovery was coming across Matthew 6:26-27 ...with my friend Kristin.
".......Look at the birds! They don't worry about what to eat-they don't need to sow or reap or store up food - for your heavenly father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to Him than they are. Will all your worries add a single moment to your life?"
A reflection I"m going to end with..... :)
Monday, February 16, 2009
This Cross
Have you ever had someone stand in front of you and the words you were hearing come from their mouth was like someone standing there with a knife just cutting you over and over.
Once again the week of "interest" has diminished....the week of "respect" is gone. Out the window. I try to move forward and bring happiness into my life and home and immediately he tries to take that away. Using his own guilt to manipulate the situation to concoct some schema to turn the tables and try and put the blame where it doesn't belong.
Tonight both kids finally caught him in the act of lying and called him on it. But supposedly I am pitting them against him. If only we could transform outselves into little flies on the walls. I would offer him the first chance to be on ours. Because I love my kids and because I want to protect my kids I shelter a lot of what's happened from them. I don't want them to know everything, nor should they, they are too little. They know minor details and even that I feel horrible for but in no way am I out to make him look bad in front of these children. He does a perfectly fine job doing that himself. When I try and cover his rear I am now filling the shoes of the liar. Don't worry daddy loves you so much and he misses you so much... I get "ya right if he loved us he would be here, if he missed us he would be here, if he loved our family he would be with you and he would love you and us like he used to. " In most situations it's like the husband left the wife. In this case the husband left the wife and the family. I know he loves these kids however the way he shows he loves and cares is just nonexistent. The true interest is nothing. Yet it's my fault...all my fault.
WHY....why do I let this bother me so friggin much? Well that's where I have a huge fault. I care, I care about what other peoples perception is of me. I don't like to be called a liar or a manipulator or and I feel the need to clear any misconception up asap. I guess that's where I've become just way too open and honest. I hate secrets....I hate lies. I will explain myself till I"m blue in the face to fix misunderstandings. I hate that he calls me a liar, that he says such mean things about me because that's not who I am. And I feel after 8 mths of this and being with him for 7 years that if anything I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
I keep trying to tell myself (and I'm going to reread this sentence over and over until I get it tonight)... He walked out on a beautiful marriage, wife and 4 children, one in which he doesn't know very well. I have my children, I am left with my family...my sweet kids and he can't take our love away from us. If it's not good enough for him and he thinks this lifestyle is the way to be then so be it. She can have him....but hopefully leave us alone!!!!.....and soon!
Again I'm trying to accept this cross and bear it, I truly am but every day it takes so much effort to not just throw in the towel. It's a true test of faith.
Once again the week of "interest" has diminished....the week of "respect" is gone. Out the window. I try to move forward and bring happiness into my life and home and immediately he tries to take that away. Using his own guilt to manipulate the situation to concoct some schema to turn the tables and try and put the blame where it doesn't belong.
Tonight both kids finally caught him in the act of lying and called him on it. But supposedly I am pitting them against him. If only we could transform outselves into little flies on the walls. I would offer him the first chance to be on ours. Because I love my kids and because I want to protect my kids I shelter a lot of what's happened from them. I don't want them to know everything, nor should they, they are too little. They know minor details and even that I feel horrible for but in no way am I out to make him look bad in front of these children. He does a perfectly fine job doing that himself. When I try and cover his rear I am now filling the shoes of the liar. Don't worry daddy loves you so much and he misses you so much... I get "ya right if he loved us he would be here, if he missed us he would be here, if he loved our family he would be with you and he would love you and us like he used to. " In most situations it's like the husband left the wife. In this case the husband left the wife and the family. I know he loves these kids however the way he shows he loves and cares is just nonexistent. The true interest is nothing. Yet it's my fault...all my fault.
WHY....why do I let this bother me so friggin much? Well that's where I have a huge fault. I care, I care about what other peoples perception is of me. I don't like to be called a liar or a manipulator or and I feel the need to clear any misconception up asap. I guess that's where I've become just way too open and honest. I hate secrets....I hate lies. I will explain myself till I"m blue in the face to fix misunderstandings. I hate that he calls me a liar, that he says such mean things about me because that's not who I am. And I feel after 8 mths of this and being with him for 7 years that if anything I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
I keep trying to tell myself (and I'm going to reread this sentence over and over until I get it tonight)... He walked out on a beautiful marriage, wife and 4 children, one in which he doesn't know very well. I have my children, I am left with my family...my sweet kids and he can't take our love away from us. If it's not good enough for him and he thinks this lifestyle is the way to be then so be it. She can have him....but hopefully leave us alone!!!!.....and soon!
Again I'm trying to accept this cross and bear it, I truly am but every day it takes so much effort to not just throw in the towel. It's a true test of faith.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
The Name Meme
1.YOUR REAL NAME: Carissa Lyn (McNaught) Seitz
2.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother and fathers middle names) Rose Dean
3.NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother’s dad, father’s dad) Ronald Elwood
4.STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name) Seica
5.DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) Pink Elephant
6.SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, town where you were born) Lyn Saskatoon
7.SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add “THE” to the beginning)The Blue Shirley Temple
8.FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name) Case
9.STREET NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie) Mint Chip Digestive
10 ROCK STAR NAME (pet’s name and street where you live) Stanley Preston
11. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on) Sally Airport (??) Shailey Guelph
12.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle) Carizzle
13.YOUR IRAQI.. NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first two letters of your middle name, last two letters of your first name then last three letters of your last name) Ailysaitz
14.YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets) Black Sadie
15. STRIPPER NAME: (name of favorite perfume and candy)MK Romantic Skittles
2.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother and fathers middle names) Rose Dean
3.NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother’s dad, father’s dad) Ronald Elwood
4.STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name) Seica
5.DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) Pink Elephant
6.SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, town where you were born) Lyn Saskatoon
7.SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add “THE” to the beginning)The Blue Shirley Temple
8.FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name) Case
9.STREET NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie) Mint Chip Digestive
10 ROCK STAR NAME (pet’s name and street where you live) Stanley Preston
11. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on) Sally Airport (??) Shailey Guelph
12.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle) Carizzle
13.YOUR IRAQI.. NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first two letters of your middle name, last two letters of your first name then last three letters of your last name) Ailysaitz
14.YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets) Black Sadie
15. STRIPPER NAME: (name of favorite perfume and candy)MK Romantic Skittles
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