Self Induced Craziness

But good crazy :)

I decided to go on a little road trip with my kids. Originally we were supposed to go to BC however my vehicle has yet to be fixed after a I was rear ended a few months ago. So I didn't think it was a smart idea to drive 18+ hours with a broken tail light. We settled for Regina and I'm so glad we did. We went on an adventure to the Science Center & Imax, Royal Sask Museum, Candy Lane Park, watersliding at the Delta and checked out some Health food stores to see what kind of GF treasures we could find. Driving and entertaining 4 kids on my own in a strange place took it's toll on me. I've been coffee free for a month and a half and not only did I divulge in numerous cups of green tea but also succumbed to the need for coffee and Red Bull. I wish I had the energy my kids have. I need to bottle the energy from all 4 and drink it so I can keep up and not want to fall asleep at the wheel. My kids however were amazing. I mean out-freaking-standing. Best travellers, well behaved and happy. I'm a lucky mama!!

As crazy busy as the trip was so is ever day of our life. Yesterday I didn't stop until 2am and I was up at 7am . I realize sometimes it's good to just sit and be still. This time I'm forced to sit and be still....well as still as I can with the house chores that are a must and the errands that still have to be run so the Guinea Pigs can eat.. etc... I was doing my cardio yesterday and must have pinched a nerve or pulled a muscle or both because I'm not able to stand on it for too long. I was so bummed because well I've been on a pretty hard core Cardio Regime and this has put a dint in it. But obviously I needed that dint so I could just be.

Well tea is steeped and my children are ready to go out for a play so I think sipping on this tasty beverage out on the patio and enjoy the energetic giggles!

Happy and Free

Who would have thought having Celiac and Thyroid Disease would add more joy and adventure to my life.

Sure don't get me wrong I feel like absolute garbage some days but when I'm stuck on the couch feeling ill I grab the computer and search Gfree stuffs or pull out a new cookbook and plan yet another journey into the food world.

With a troublesome thyroid I've been struggling very low iron levels as well. I've been searching for shakes to help add nutrients into my diet as well as my childrens. I have finally narrowed it down to 2 Dairy Free/Gluten Free/Soy Free powders :)

My kids LOVES the Vega Vanilla Chai for flavor which I'm very impressed. I loved it as well. I have been craving Chai Latte's lately but have refrained because they just don't taste the same with rice milk and being lactose free nowadays that would just be bad news. I was tired driving home from Regina last night so I mixed up a shake and got a nice healthy energy boost from it, feeling revitalized and fresh and had my craving met.

As for the Pumpkin Protein, I am sipping on that right now. I mixed it in with a quarter cup of blueberries and just blended it together. My kids didn't like it but I sure do. As for them I mixed it in the pancake batter to make it extra healthy. It's too yummy not to share!

Here ya go:

2 small ripe bananas

1 egg

1tsp vanilla

1/4 safflower oil

1 1/4c coconut milk

1c Bob's Red Mill GF baking mix flour

1tsp baking soda

1tsp baking powder

3 scoops of pumpkin protein powder

2 handfuls of chocolate chips

From my kitchen to yours.......Enjoy :))

....

If I gave you a penny for my thoughts and how many times I've attempted a posting you would be a millionaire.

I had been having this debate with my mind and my thoughts trying to process the stage of life I was in. Somedays I would just sit and think and if you were to ask me to describe those thoughts the only thing I would be able to mutter from my mouth would be "like.... what the fuck". Nothing was making sense. I felt like the hands of time were being reversed and there I was 16 again, then 17, then 20 then 25. Moments of my past that were furthest from my so-called "happy place" had resurfaced.

I really wasn't sure what it all meant but as I sit here, right now, I understand and I can appreciate that I needed to hit another little bump in the road so I could pick myself up, brush the dirt off my feet and walk again. It felt like I was crawling in the darkness on bruised knees in a pool of my hearts own blood. My insides were crying and screaming begging to be fixed, I was cursing his name dying to understand "WHY" and I just didn't want to understand anymore. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. "Show me a sign I would say....hmm if you are really there than show me a fucking sign". (if you know me I have extreme trouble using the "f" word except under certain circumstances....so I apologize to those that mind find it offensive and harsh but it's literally the only way to properly describe the exact feeling in that moment...and that's it)

He did..... but I was too stubborn and stuck in my emotions that I couldn't hear it or see it. So I kept begging and pleading and then there it was. Driving on the highway as I turned my head to the left to make a lane change I slammed on my breaks (yes in the middle of the highway) amazed by the glorious site I pulled over to the side of the road. Casting Crowns "Who I Am" blasting through my vehicle....the vision.....a perfect rainbow with a perfectly bright shining sun in the middle. Tears poured out uncontrollably and the only words I could mutter at this time were "thank you....i love you too....thank you" The heat from the sun beaming through my window seeped right into my heart and the warmth just melted all the ice that was left lingering and made me feel hopeful.

A new chapter began at that moment!

Out with the old in with the new :)

Here is the link along with a write up to describe the very meaning of the day and what it meant to take this photoshoot.

www.organicphotography.ca

Out of My Hands

The song speaks for itself!!

He never let's go!

A question isn't always "just" a question. Sometimes it's a realization!


As of late I was asked this by a few people...
"How is it that you are still alive and not hold so much hate or bitterness towards the world?"

Thinking of the answer, my entire life flashed before my very eyes.
I wasn't able to answer the question on the spot. I needed to reflect on how to answer it because it came to me so powerfully, my throat closing in and my chest getting heavy and my eyes starting to swell, I decided to share it on my blog and with this special song attached.

For some reason.....God chose to save me.
HE SAVED ME!

In all the times I was faced with darkness he never let go of my hand, He pulled me out of my death and He saved me!

If what I witnessed was death and what I saw when my eyes were opened was life than why shouldn't I see anything but beauty and hope. The world is full of love and song and dance and he breathed the breath of life back into me, so in order for me to show gratitude and appreciation for being lifted up from the grave that was ready for me I need to be thankful and live as best as I can and be thankful for every moment because I am here.

I am not perfect, I am not always making the right choices, I still have trouble with some hurt but I accept that I need to walk through the fire and I do it wearing His suit of armor. I know I will fumble, stumble and fall and in those moments I am reminded why I am here and what I need to do to get back up again and that in every one of those moments there is a lesson and something good will come from it.

The words on a blog, the song of "never let go" on repeat...is weighing intensely yet delicately on my heart. Coming to this realization is so powerful in my world of thought and emotion I could use a warm bath and a glass of wine right about now... And that's exactly what I'm gonna do :)

These put the "Be" back in Be-auty!

I thought pimples were for teenagers. YIKES was I wrong After reaction after reaction to gluten in my beauty products I was overwhelmed with the breakouts and desperate to find something to help my skin go back to nromal. After using this product for a few days I am already seeing a difference.

I didn't realize that gluten in my makeup and soaps would cause a problem. Boy was I wrong. I should have guessed after how sensitve I am with food and still having far too many reactions after being on a strict food diet...why oh why were things not improving.... Well, there was gluten in EVERYTHING else I was putting on my body and it was seeping into my pores. Makes sense! So all my products were instantly trashed and I was on the hunt for new GFree items.
Here are some I've found so far and I'm quite happy with.
Shampoo, Conditioner and Body Wash are from Desert Essence. I found these products at Skin Deep on 2nd Ave.

As for make up these are the new products that have landed themselves in my beauty bag :) All I've ever needed was foundation, mascara, blush and a gloss. These items are a little more expensive than what I"m used to however it's worth not feeling sick afterwards!
Lip Gloss is from Burt's Bee's My Favorite is Guava....it's pretty!!

The only other 3 must have's foundation, blush and mascara are all from Mary Kay. A friend of mine is a consultant and she checked with the head researcher of the company to make sure the products were safe for a Celiac. After using them for a few days I've noticed they last longer on my face, I'm not breaking out, my skin is left feeling fresh and I don't have to reapply at all. Phewf... because I"m not much of a make up girl to begin with so the less I have to do with it the better.



Hope this helps a little and as I find new Gfree products I'll post them.

When it snows.....

BAKE!!

I don't turn my furnace on when it gets a little chilly in the house, I preheat my oven to 350 and start creating magic in the kitchen. Nothing better than some nice warm soul food!!

Here are a couple delicious gluten free/vegan recipes...
ENJOY :)

Pumpkin Muffins

I have to double up on this recipe. A single batch lasts less than 24hrs.
1/2c tapioca flour
1/2c chickpea flour
1/2c brown rice flour
3tbsp milled flaxseed
1tsp baking soda
1tsp nutmeg
2tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp himalayen salt
1c pumpkin puree
1/2 vegetable oil
1c sugar
2tsp egg replacer mixed with 4tbsp water

Fill up your muffin cups and bake at 350 for approx 20 mins. My oven is a little less because of how hot it gets. So maybe start with 15 mins and check and go from there. To know they are ready you'll want to make sure the tops of your muffins are a little brown.

Chocolate Chip Cookies


3/4c earth balance butter
1c packed brown sugar
1/2c white sugar
1tsp vanilla
2tsp egg replacer mixed with 4tbsp water
1c white rice flour
1tbsp Xanthum Gum
2tsp gluten free baking powder
1/2tsp himalayen salt
1c Almond flour
Add in a cup of your favorite chocolate chips and keep the batter away from little fingers :))

Melt the butter and add in your egg replacer, sugars and vanilla. Mix altogether and then add all your dry ingredients. Bake at 350 for 12mins if you are using tablespoon size dropping of batter.

Pray and serve with love!!

Cheers to Chocolate

There are days when a woman just NEEDS her chocolate fix.

I have been dying to find a yummy delcious chocolate cake that is gluten free.
Well here it is. The texture afterwards is a creamy fudge like cake.
It's quick and easy and worth every mouth-watering bite!

Enjoy my friends!!


Quinoa Fudge Cake

2/3 c golden quinoa
1 1/3 c water
1/3 c rice or almond milk
4 lrg eggs (or egg replacer)
1tsp pure vanilla extract
3/4 c butter (I use a dairy and soy free butter found at dad's nutrtion)
1 1/2 c cane sugar
1 c cacao powder
1 1/2tsp baking powder
1/2tsp baking soda
1/2 himalayen salt

Cook the Quinoa in the water. Fluff it up when done
Best idea is to cook Quinoa ahead of time and keep it in your fridge and take it out as you need it.

Preheat your oven to 350.

Grease your pan or line it with some parchment papier.

Now for the goods
Add your milk, egg replacer and vanilla in a blender or food processor. Then add the quinoa and butter and blend away...

Whisk your sugar, cacao, baking powder, baking soda and salt and then add those ingredients to the blender as well.

This is......

I have been reflecting on this song for awhile now.
I need to share it.
I don't need to blog the song speaks for itself...this is where my heart is at this very moment
So CLOSE your eyes and just ENJOY!!!!

Life is Autumn

Just as the season,

life is full of colors and change

some days bright, other days grey

some warm and some cold.



Here in the McNaught home we are always experiencing change of some sort. I wish sometimes it were miniscule such as moving a dresser or couch to change the look of a room but we are always hit with something BIG that changes the dynamics in our family lifestyle.



I have always had issues with my health that were going untreated and I was always left with this question mark flashing above my head. Some days it is still flashing. But less and less. Turns out a lot of my issues were due to Celiac disease. It was left undiagnosed for so many years that my small intestine is quite severly damaged that. I cannot tolerate any type of cross contamination. I am on such a strict diet and my body has become so sensitive that I've had to since go on a dairy, egg and soy free diet as well. I LOVE food and trying out recipes and dining out trying a variety of dishes. Now being limited I was relieved to finally know the cause of so many problems I had in the past and to date but bummed because of how rediculously sensitve I've become and limited with what I can eat.



However saying that I also like being limited of what I can and cannot eat. It has forced our family to take a close look at the food and drink we put into our bodies and why we should eat what we do and why we shouldn't eat other types of food but were out of mere convenience.

I am homeschooling my children and we have the luxury of being able to study food closely and experiment with new ingredients in our kitchen on a daily basis. I LOVE how my children are becoming so educated in nutrition and what will keep them healthy so when they are grown adults and leave their safety nest they will walk into the world and be fully prepared.



Thinking I was limited with food when I was diagnosed has since changed.....There is a world of food that I didn't know exsisted and now the fun begins :)



So first big change - our family diet

Second big change - drum rollllllllll please brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr



HOMESCHOOLING/UNSCHOOLING :))))



I'm so freaking excited about this whenever I think about it or am learning more about it I'm doing a happy dance. My children always wanted to try it out but I was always to busy. Life is a new busy since starting homeschooling. I love seeing what my kids are learning and being able to incorporated life skills into their daily learning. Life is about learning, school work has become funner, we have more time for extracurricular activites and family time and we are becoming closer because of it. They are still very social little people, sometimes too social so that's not even up for arguement it's a misconception....a false fact to be exact. I do have a more compassionate appreciate for teachers out there because they don't have just one or two students it's a class of 30 give or take. They have an extreme amount of work and pressure on their shoulders. I hope that when my children enter back into the school world if they so choose that they too will have a greater admiration for the teacher as well.



Now for 3rd change....
Challenging to say the least.
My kids were hit with the news that their dad is having a baby.
Shocker....not totally. Sickening....yes. Stressful and worrysome....incredibly.
A man that can barely take are of the kids he has now to add another one to the mix has my kids world turned upside down feeling feelings that are totally unfair for their little hearts to deal with. These kids have been through more turmoil because of selfishness and retardness than words can express. Strongest children you'll ever meet, kind, gentle, loving, compassionate and thoughtful hearts of 4 amazing children. I never wanted any of this hurt and harm to my children and as a mama bear I'm so extremely in protective mode when it comes to them. Sometimes I get lost in emotion and am unsure of how to handle the news the kids have had to face. I have to admit it's extremely hard to love another human being that hurts people so easily especially the ones closest to me. It's one thing to have hurt me the way he did but the kids it's a different story. I want to be kind towards him and love him and respect him but I feel pushed over the edge and anger succumbs me. One day....it's a work in progress but it will get there....just need more time. And thats fair to ask for under these circumstances.

Change #4
Help..... Since exhusband left and how he left it was so traumatic that my brain just had no idea how to handle it. It set off things such as the autoimmune disease and made past events resurface. PTSD. There is a new study that has come out that is supposed to do wonders for the recovery of PTSD and I was accepted into the study. I'm excited to finally get to a point where I may be healed mentally from everything that's happened.

So it is October.....Thanksgiving weekend and my life is doing another complete 360. A change! A change for the better. A mission to work towards a healthier body, mind and soul.
Look out 2011 cuz I'm about to dance my way through another year but this time a dance of renewal :))

Hold Onto Hope Love

I do not need to write anything.....this songs sings the feelings within my heart....

Enjoy :)

Sometimes...

I wish I had more time to write
to dream and be still in the moment


Sometimes I wish I could go back in time
and remember what it felt like


Sometimes I wish I could jump
into my painting and feel the color, feel the feeling within the color


Sometimes I wish I could hold
onto the moment a little longer, hold onto my children longer


Sometimes I wish I could cry
and then swim in the river of tears


Sometimes I wish when I close my eyes
that I'd become a butterfly and am fluttering aside a bluebell


Sometimes I wish I was a bird
and I could fly around the world and sprinkle down love


Sometimes I wish I was a fly
on a wall because then maybe I would understand


Sometimes I wish I didn't care


Sometimes I wish I was loved....
actually I wish that all the time

Sometimes I wish
Sometimes I dream
Sometimes I am
Sometimes I am not
Someday it will be
Someday I will be

Sometimes I wish it were now
Sometimes...

A Moment to Ponder......

Lately I've been thinking a lot about who I am, who I've become, how I got here, what should and shouldn't I settle for, what I want for my children, and what I want for me and our future.

Sure we can't think too much into the future and we can only control so much on our own. But we do need to be consciously aware that our actions and decisions in life is what helps to pave the path we are on.

Being honest about our deep desires and not allowing oneself to settle is extremely tough. In the meantime we can become vulnerable and question our own feelings which can play tricks on our heart. But that's a part of growing and a part of life.

So who am I, who have I become and how did I get here....
Well I am me, Carissa: a Christian, a woman, a mother, a friend, a daughter and a sister. It's pretty self explainable on how I became a woman, mother, friend, daughter and sister :)) but how I became a Christian and what that means to me. That I haven't really shared.

When I was delinquent youngster I pretty much turned away from Christ, or tried my best to. I grew up with a pretty solid foundation thanks to my parents. I came from a Catholic upbringing, home and school. When I was going through so much trouble I still found myself praying or writing poetry crying out to God asking for Him to save me. But what I didn't realize at the time is that He was saving me I just had to accept him into my heart. I was laying in bed one day and I am not sure why I had the bible on my night table because at that time I could have cared less about the bible. But it was. I heard this voice inside my head saying loudly...read me read me, just do it c'mon.....it was so loud that I actually cupped my hands over my ears to drown it out but it just got louder. So I looked at "the book" placed it in my hands and just opened it. What book did it fall on.....JOB!!

After that I just felt this desire and passion in my heart to rediscover this Lord and the journey led me to a different church than which I was raised in but what I learned was that Christ was still Christ no matter what denomination I was choosing to visit. That it didn't matter what church or what bible I was reading that it was about the personal relationship I was developing in my own time, in my own home and my own heart. The bible yes as important as it is, not just because it's some book but because it holds the teachings, the word of God. His spirit is within the written scripture. We can't see Him standing in front of us but what we do have is His word and when you have faith in your heart it's not about seeing Him or reading about Him it's feeling Him in your heart, mind and soul.

What I discovered along this journey so far is that there is no greater love that fills your heart than His love and that everything else looks a lot more beautiful and there is more meaning to this thing called life. Every step you take is different and brighter because you realize you are walking towards something so great it's hard to describe how great. I feel blessed to be able to follow in my parents footsteps and teach my children about the Lord and Life and Love.

I have also discovered how broken I am.....stronger than I was but still broken, I still need to be healed. I am not perfect, I have made choices in my life that aren't exactly good, I've been vulgar at times and just simply stepped off the path at times. But I try my best, I try! The Lord has blessed me with a lot of ups and downs, and yes even the downs are a blessing because it's a lesson in which we can either do better or do worse and God hopes we do better but He is there to catch us when we fall or hold our hand and walk forward with us.

With that said, the events in my past that I've experienced have really made me think what can I take from all of that and implement it to my decisionmaking nowadays and what am I worth and ready to settle for. I cannot settle for a life without God first. This journey is too incredible!

I love my family life. It's a gift to me in which I treasure everyday. I would love to share that with someone special one day, when the time is right. In the past I settled for mediocre, for the hope to be loved like I love. I thought oh me and the kids will be fine but things backfired. I wasn't valued, and me and the kids were taken for granted. I refuse to settle for that again.

Recently I thought maybe I had found that. There was sweetness and passion. Things I had never experienced before. But it became lost rather quick, lost in a me me me world which reminded me of just what I came out of. I felt disrespected and taken for granted. I had so much to offer but I felt like it wasn't good enough but then I would feel good enough and swept off my feet to only have that change depending on the day. Relationships have taught me that the only way it can simply work is if you are walking hand in hand and in relationship with Christ. To love unselfishly and always think of how you can make that person happy that day and how you can love that person and not demand or expect, but with that said, it needs to come naturally. What I want for my children is to have a mom that is strong and healthy but sensitive and everloving. When I welcome that person into my life I want them to have a role model, a man of absolute love and zest for life and family and love and just gentle in spirit. Someone who is ready and gets it because Lord knows they don't have that in a manly role currently.

What I have realized is that I don't "need" to be loved because I already am but what I want is to find that true love in a man one day, and be loved. I think it will happen, I'm a romantic at heart and a dreamer. But what I know is you can't go lookin for it, it will find you ;) And I hope it find me in my future.....

Wow, I've managed to ramble on quite a bit. I might have to reread and make sure it all makes sense. Oh well, it just felt good to sit in quiet and write what was weighing on my heart.

Till next time......
Blessings from my heart to yours xo

Blogger Is Back!

I am sitting here on a Sunday morning, children laughing, playing and of course fighting in the background. My heart has been aching to write again. There is something about blogging that is just so therapeutic, public..... yes, personal...... definitely, but...... it's life. Life is not meant to be sheltered or hidden and through blogging in the past I have connected with such amazing and wonderful people and together we are not alone. Not writing the past 6 mths I have felt a bit of emptiness. I have been writing for 3 years now and life has taken a turn in such a beautiful way that I can't help it anymore :))

So where I left off, I was still a married woman - stand up ALL, and give me a WOOT WOOT....well I am now Divorced. I say that with such happiness and relief. Not just because I am free of my ex but I am FREE of the baggage that came with being attached to him, my heart is free of the ache and pain.

When did it start...... well back in July I was invited by my sweet sister friend to her church camp. We were invited every year as a family but it just never happened, this year it was approaching around another empty wedding anniversary and I felt the need and call in my heart to go with the kids. One of the best gifts my friend has ever shared with me (aside from her heart) the spirit flowed that week, touched my heart in ways I never imagined could ever be possible. To try and explain the feeling is beyond what words are capable of but the closest I can think of is the most beautiful, gentle hug that just filled my body with the sense of "I am loved by Him" and I am not alone, I could feel the broken pieces of my heart start to mend right in that moment, it was physically painful yet physically warming, tears flowed and flowed and flowed. I came home from the camp and had the need to move. Start over, start fresh, start NEW! So that's exactly what I did.

I was instantly approved for a mortgage and bought my very first home, moved within a couple weeks. I got rid of some things, and rearranged some old things and the kids and I decided it was time to not have my ex come and go in our home. When he would it felt like this dark cloud suffocating us. Our new house wasn't just a house it became a home a place of stability, love and new found hope and we needed to make sure nothing was going to taint that. Every day we were healing and the pain was disappearing. Sure we were still piecing together issues regarding visitation and new feelings of anger and resentment was starting to boil but, I just let it out, I couldn't hold it in anymore I needed "him" to know just how I felt and feel and just like that I was set free a ;ittle more. I can look at him now and see nothing, he is merely a person, one in which I share children with but it's like any love or hate I felt for that man vanished, I am numb to it and it's absolutely breathtaking.

((....A secret....even my subconscious is free!! Every night from the moment the nightmare started I would have this reoccurring dream. Every night for the first year i would wake up in a state of panic and this sharp pain in my heart it literally felt like someone was ripping my heart in half, no tylenol or advil in my medicine cabinet worked, any medication the doctors would prescribe wouldn't work and the dreams wouldn't stop. I felt like this was my death, I wanted it to end for it to go away and be over. I felt like "he" took everything from me, "she" was helping him, I couldn't stand the pain my kids were dealing with everyday and I was tired of hard it was to just breath. I couldn't even find peace in my sleep how could I find peace when I would wake. Then after everything I wrote about above about starting new and the experience at the camp and just starting over...... the dreams started changing, I could feel myself letting go in my sleep, then it happened......

my last dream .... happened like this.......

"he is crying, begging for forgiveness, professing his love, wanting to come home.. we are in public, he is standing in front of me but I can see through him like he is a ghost, I don't believe it, any of it, I can't have it, I say goodbye and he stands there "exposed" in front of everyone (at tim hortons *giggle*) and everyone is staring and pointing, there must have been 40 people eyeing him down and just like that it was done. I woke up, there was no pain in my heart, I was laughing. So my interpretation, is I finally saw "through" him and so did everyone else.

The dreams are gone, the feelings are gone, the love is gone, the marriage is over.....

Now my heart is learning how to trust again, how to open up again, how to love again. It's a world I'm not used to and I've been away from it for 8 years, it's exciting, it's positively thrilling, it's sensational, and heartwarming. Every once in awhile thoughts and feelings of being unworthy of love and happiness creep in and I get scared and that is the only part of hate that I still have towards "him" Hearing I was not good enough for so long, it's hard to stop those tapes from rolling in my mind but it's getting better, everyday those voices are lowering and the last bit of myself is healing.

My dad always said that famous saying that I didn't quite get until now....

"where one door closes.............. another one opens"

Well it's opened - and it's fricking awesome!!

So this sums it up, where I am...... 6 mths later :)) I couldn't have done it without you, your prayers, your encouragement, love of family and friends and strangers and most of all the Grace of our One and Only!!

I love you too........

There was a message tonight to post a link to my bestfriends blog, and as I read the words she wrote, I couldn't have wrote it any better myself. It's truth, love and heartache. Thank you for writing with your heart Kristin!!! So if everyone could please click on this link and read the post Kristin wrote about our family......it's beautiful~!.

http://whatyoutalkingaboutkrissie.blogspot.com/

It's all in the post, The good the bad and the ugly!

from the inside....out

What my heart has ached this past year is well best worded by the professionals....."traumatic". How can a mind make any sense out of something so horrible? It can't....simply can't. Recently a few more things happened that...well....just shouldn't have. And after going over in my head what could I have done different, the answer is nothing.


I have had ghosts in my life. Ones I have wanted to face for years. And going through this separation with my husband has helped me to find ways to lay certain things to rest. I have struggled with forgiveness and how to go about it and what boundaries I should have and how much trust to give. I wanted nothing more than to do the right thing, and I never thought for one second that the right thing could turn out to be a horrific thing. And really that goes for everything.


I gave my hand, my heart, my body, my love, my life, and my trust to only have it all shattered, rejected, put down, spat on, torn apart and scarred. How dare these men in my life take me for granted and toy around with every bit of my being. To what, gain some satisfaction in their life, to justify the crap they call "good". To try and convince me that I am a nothing, a nobody, a crazy idiot. To try and convince others of such. The line has been crossed for the last time. How dare you make me feel little, how dare you rob me of love, how dare you tear apart something we worked so hard to create. How dare you put the other one in front of your everything, our everything. But you SOB's can have eachother. You will never ever take another piece of me again, you will never take anymore from my children. You and everyone involved in "your world" have a distorted vision of what respect, and love truly is. I want no part anylonger. You can have eachother because I am done.


It has been almost a year since this shit. I am not taking one ounce of this with me another year. I am done. It's disturbing, chaotic shit and they can have that .....I will allow it no longer. I am turning a new leaf and for those of you that know me you will enjoy the newness with me. I am going to move forward and start a clean path to walk on this year. The church and friends and family I have in my life far outweigh the Aholes. My kids and I are starting a new beginning. This new year is going to be beautiful and full of life and togetherness. I have so many fun things planned for this year and I know, I truly hope our family will shine. We have yet another mountain to climb but this time...any so called "mountain goats" get my my way or the way of my children, let hope they are wearing a nut guard because my steel toed boots are ready!!!!!!


I have been dreading this moment. I have dabbled a few times in saying goodbye to the blogger world but now I have no choice, as well as saying goodbye to so many other things as well. I have decided to take my writings and make something of it......

Thank you all who have supported me and my family through this hell.
Blessings from my heart to yours.

No Words......

Amidst the Chaos

Friday after having a bit of a mental breakdown, bawling after being puked on and pooped on and kids screaming and the dumbness invading my brain from the lack of sleep, well my sweet friend reminded me to stop and pray, pray for God to give me the strength I will need to get through that day. I took Cohen in my arms, layed on the couch and started praying. I literally said "AMEN" and Carter raced down the stairs "Mom, your friend is here" ... "What friend Carter"..."The one with the curly hair". In wonderment I went upstairs as Becca was meeting me half way, "I'm here to help, what can I do".... WHAT??????? SERIOUSLY?????? My grandma called and said she would be able to come in....WHAT?????? An hour later Justin called to lend a hand WHAT??????? Well........was that not a prayer just answered. For all of that and more I am thankful. I feel so blessed to have the help around here that I need, usually when I least expect it. Friends and family, you are wonderful!!!! And for those that are praying You are wonderful!!!!!!!!!



I am sitting here thinking of everything I am thankful for which has minimized the feelings of being overwhelmed.... My top 20!

1) my friends daily reminders to stop, pray and be thankful

2) some loving and encouraging words from my family

3) friends offering to babysit

4) friends just popping on in to help with laundry and dinner and watching the kids so I can nap and take Cohen to the hospital

5) extra help from the kids dad

6)the 45 minute nap that I was able to have

7) the hour long bath in my spa room

8) Icecream :P

9) water/soap combinations to rid the stench of upchuck

10) a great working washer and dryer

11) easy and quick meals

12) a super fast Family Pizza nearby

13) my dustbuster

14) my bed...it's so comfy

15) my kids patience

16) leather couches (they wipe so easily)

17) the spring weather so I could open up the windows and air out the house

18) jammies

19) the Bible to give me comfort

20) nintendo ds (brain age 2) to get my mind busy

Randomness Day

I was surprised I got up and ready as fast as I did this morning. I mean I knew the life insurance dude was coming this morning however past "inhome" appointments I am still in my jammies. Nope not today - and good thing I might add because he showed up dressed in a gentleman's suit and very handsome indeed - so distracted by hit hottness that I was practically feeding Brady's forehead. Same thing happened the other day, I'm at the "center" and I happen to run into "again" this wonderful gentleman and I say gentleman because he is in every sense of the word and I stood there weak in the knees totally melting like jello, even after dancing a little latin chacha you'd think I'd be all cool but nope, I totally felt like a dork. I guess I kinda am a dork surrounded by these extremely good good looking men.

I mean I have been around man friend's and it doesn't phase me but since I've entered the so-called single's world I've become a tad nervous and I'm not normally nervous. But I feel like this : You know when you were in elementary school ... the early early years, and you'd see a cute boy on the playground, look at him - giggle - smile - and run away. That's EXACTLY how I feel. But being a grown woman it looks rather strange and I do just that except not exactly run away :) and on top of it I feel like the words that come out of my mouth sound a little like yogabbagagga babble.

So back to life insurance - One more thing off my to do list.
I have started thinking about the "future" in a realistic sort of way. What happens when the kids decide they want to go to school..... enroll children in RESP's (check)
What happens if I become ill or non-existent in human form (ok dead but I hate that word it just sounds so morbid and not just because it is morbid but it's just an ugly word).... so I made a will and applied for life insurance (double check)
Now before "JS's" next visit to put up a sign on my bathroom door saying "no toasters allowed" ...kidding kidding kidding.

After the meeting was over this morning my parents came by to babysit the kids and I was off to my "hair heaven" Color Bar, to see Sheena. She is just one of the greatest hair stylists around. I will drop any activity or vacation planned to have the chance to SIT in her hair chair. She just knows what you need without you saying it and she never does a bad job, heck she never does a mediocre job... I always enter feeling a bit drab and boring and leave feeling like one hot mamma. So Sheena's treat of the day, back to blonde I go. Blonde is my natural hair color and to help get me back to where I once was and have a fresh look for spring I have a combination of lo-lites and high-lites.

I get home and am lovingly and excitedly greeted at the door by my 4 little munchkins who act like I've been gone on a week long vacation when in all actuality I was gone for a total of one hour and forty five minutes. One of many reasons why I love being a mom. A few moments later my phone rang....My dear sweet neighbour Lou. She is a woman of ageless wonder, late 70's and watching her 4 young grandchildren. We had a nice visit outside watching the children play and then it started to get bitterly cold so we moved inside and had a hot cup of tea and continued our chat. See Lou's husband has been passed now for 2 years. They were married for 50 years and shared 7 children together. She still loves her husband with all her heart. And as she sat across from me and talked about him I just couldn't take my eyes off of her. Her eyes started to get a little watery and red yet she had the biggest smile. I was just captivated by the little things she would mention about him, just ordinary stuff but it seemed so magical. Then she had to go, and I found myself wanting more, as if she was a storyteller ending the day on chapter one, it's just getting good, learning a bit about the characters and the plot and then the book closed ---until next time. I know Lou likes tea and loves to talk so I am sure there will be a next time. That and she said so :)

And that brings us to tonight. It was a busy night like most nights. Tonight the two little ones were a bit of a handful. But a happy little bunch. Brady was so excited to be in the bathtub that be pooped and when I took him out to clean things up he peed, I bathed him a total of 4 times. And Cohen, off the bottle *fingers crossed* hopefully forever. His bottle has been his crutch these past months, kinda like his security blanket. So tonight he asked for milk in a sippy cup and I thought perfect opportunity to see if he is willing to give his bottles to my friends baby Avery. So I got him a big bag, he packed ALL his bottles, nipples and caps and hung it on the mailbox in hopes that Avery's mommy would come pick it up but what he doesn't know is that, that's not happening because they just left for Hawaii... Which reminds me I better bring in the bag of bottles and hide them downstairs. We had one instance tonight where Cohen asked if he could have a bottle, I said he had enough milk and the bottles were all gone to bye bye land. So once this bigboy step is mastered completely we'll be back to potty training. Right now it's starting but we're not overly (stupiess) ------ (wow I just dozed off and that was the last word typed. Where did that come from and what does it mean) Odd!! I guess that's it...I'm pooped, sleep looks good about now, Brady is crashed beside me. I'm outtie!!
Toodles...
till next time xo