~its raining~

Bird of Summer

I am sitting outside, the sky is pink and blue and the clouds look like all different shapes of birds. There are birds flying circles around me..."tweetly" chirping and it's the prettiest picture attached with most beautiful song.

Reminds me of a tune by A Fine Frenzy....
Playing it and being in this moment right now, everything just seems so magical.

Enjoy!

......
Alright so I know some of you might think this is one heck of a cheesy movie and that's ok. However, I don't :)
I love it. I watch it and it helps me hold onto hope and allows my heart to remember and dream. Why??
Well....truth is... I have a Lorenzo out there. (Throughout this blog to protect his name I will call him "my lorenzo".) A man - a true love I walked away from.
......
The ONLY thing that was not right about our story is the timing. Usually on my account. Actually always on my account. I always seemed to be in moments of brokeness whenever we were together and out of loyalty to my family or feelings of unworthiness I would push him away. Doing that left me feeling more and more broken over the years.
......
I have secretly compared him to every man I have ever met ...which.... is why I am still single. I have loved others but not like I did "him" and I thought well maybe since we've moved on in our lives and years have passed that I could find it out there again. But nope. Instead I'd see qualities he possessed in some men but that would make me miss "my lorenzo" even more and annoyed with whoever I was dating because it still wasn't like how "he" was. I have kept him on a pedestal and no man has ever compared. How do I get past that....or question is Do I even want to...???
......
So where am I at this very moment....
Laying on my patio
Mixing my tears with the rain
Playing 2 songs in particular OVER and OVER
Drifting off to dream
Wondering what it would be like to be "Claire" and seeing her love after 50 years
Remembering sweetly
and realizing how lucky I am to have had a love like that.
Memories of him make me smile and his spirit makes my heart dance.
......
Truth be told
It's better to have loved than to never have loved at all.

Singin a New Song

I've always thought of May as my month of bad luck. This year something changed in my universe. All that I feared was actually teaching me a lesson and I was too stubborn to realize it. As I sat down with my therapist on the 31st of May she brought to my attention at exactly 11:11am that it was my 111th visit. I did what I always do when I see 111's: I made a wish. My wish was for that day to be just a day.... and.... that it was. All of a sudden I had the most loveliest of memories fill my mind. I couldn't believe that for the past however many years I was stuck fearing the worst and remembering the not so good when in all reality so many amazing things happened in May and those memories and the new ones I am making I will hold dear and happily think about.

Now I'm sitting here today on June 2nd. Reflecting and smiling. Three years ago today my sweet little boy was born. We had a huge party and the love that filled our home was above and beyond what I had ever expected. Everyone that either messaged us online, phoned or attended the party has had a huge impact in our lives and just their bit of presence today was and is a special gift...a gift to the heart. The day was complete and made even more perfect after receiving a very unexpected message from someone who has a very special place in my heart. Someone who has walked through every shadow of darkness and every ray of light whether with me or from afar. Just that simple little message had more meaning to it that they will ever know.

My heart is drifting off into another realm - the rain awaits and then I will try this again :)

Thank you to all who made today TODAY!!

I love you

- We love you!

Before I forget here is my new theme song for my new year:

Enjoy!!

http://voiceproject.org/index.php?id=145785511

How The Day Sounds :)

Dreaming

The lyrics to this song are so beautiful and allow me to rest my head and dream.

Lele’s Song
Words and music by Bruno Merz

Far away, ends a summer day.
And the breeze it carries your quiet sigh.

‘Cos you’re tired today, and sleep won’t come,
Pretty bird, why do you hide your head and cry.

Ooh, there is a love that stays now.
Ooh, let it all fly away now.
Ooh, lie awake and you’ll find love waiting.

Little one, how far you’ve come,
Down a path that never was and easy one.
So rest your head, come lay it down.
Hear the wind calling you to fly the moonlit clouds.

Since my divorce I've struggled in the dating world. Some men added to the heartache, some so comical and outright redonkulous I'm laughing just thinking of them (but good laughter I wouldn't change anything about those moments, and some I hold dear to my heart, all in which have taught me to open up my heart
a little more and more. "The One" I have yet to find but I dream he is out there and one day........well.........one day.

Lucy Schwartz - Gravity [Official Music Video]

Starlight Starbright

Laptop

Night Tea

Jammies

Ipod's Heartsongs

And the night sky full of stars just awaiting wishes of all sorts.

May......

It's exactly that....... Dot... Dot... Dot

Since I was 12 years old May has been full of bad luck. This year, tables have turned....so far. We still have a few days left. I'm not focused on the "what if's" like I once was. Now I just give a heartfelt "thanks" for each day I make it through.

One occurence in particular has my heart going a little wonky

May 31st
The day "he" came into my life
As well as the day "he" walked out of my life.

This put the cherry on top of the shit sundae's I had been served May after May.
The difference this year from the ones before is I'm closer to the top of the mountain I've been climbing the last few years.

For the havoc I've given my exhusband for what he put me and my family through and as hurt as I still am, I am thankful. Sometimes the best lessons in life are learned through a time of pain. When I was young I used to dream I could fly. It's become my motto in life. "Live life learning to fly" There is a reason for everything right. Well perhaps my marriage to Justin was for the mere purpose that he was the one to give me the gift of wings in order for me to fly. Without him I wouldn't have gone through the amount of healing I have. My life has changed. My heart has this love and hope and wonder within that had never existed before. So how can I not be thankful. He forced me to live again.

There is a poem that is not only my favorite but has become my signature...
It's by a french poet named Guillaume Apollinaire
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We're afraid."
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We will fall."
"Come to the edge."
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.

Justin pushed me to the edge. I was falling and just as I was about to hit the rock bottom....
I flew.
Now I thank you!
So now I shalt not celebrate the anniversary of the upcoming date with regret but with thanks.
I love him so dearly for giving me this gift....

Always.

Here is my new May theme song.
Come fly with me.....and enjoy................................. <3
Posted above :)

Self Induced Craziness

But good crazy :)

I decided to go on a little road trip with my kids. Originally we were supposed to go to BC however my vehicle has yet to be fixed after a I was rear ended a few months ago. So I didn't think it was a smart idea to drive 18+ hours with a broken tail light. We settled for Regina and I'm so glad we did. We went on an adventure to the Science Center & Imax, Royal Sask Museum, Candy Lane Park, watersliding at the Delta and checked out some Health food stores to see what kind of GF treasures we could find. Driving and entertaining 4 kids on my own in a strange place took it's toll on me. I've been coffee free for a month and a half and not only did I divulge in numerous cups of green tea but also succumbed to the need for coffee and Red Bull. I wish I had the energy my kids have. I need to bottle the energy from all 4 and drink it so I can keep up and not want to fall asleep at the wheel. My kids however were amazing. I mean out-freaking-standing. Best travellers, well behaved and happy. I'm a lucky mama!!

As crazy busy as the trip was so is ever day of our life. Yesterday I didn't stop until 2am and I was up at 7am . I realize sometimes it's good to just sit and be still. This time I'm forced to sit and be still....well as still as I can with the house chores that are a must and the errands that still have to be run so the Guinea Pigs can eat.. etc... I was doing my cardio yesterday and must have pinched a nerve or pulled a muscle or both because I'm not able to stand on it for too long. I was so bummed because well I've been on a pretty hard core Cardio Regime and this has put a dint in it. But obviously I needed that dint so I could just be.

Well tea is steeped and my children are ready to go out for a play so I think sipping on this tasty beverage out on the patio and enjoy the energetic giggles!

Happy and Free

Who would have thought having Celiac and Thyroid Disease would add more joy and adventure to my life.

Sure don't get me wrong I feel like absolute garbage some days but when I'm stuck on the couch feeling ill I grab the computer and search Gfree stuffs or pull out a new cookbook and plan yet another journey into the food world.

With a troublesome thyroid I've been struggling very low iron levels as well. I've been searching for shakes to help add nutrients into my diet as well as my childrens. I have finally narrowed it down to 2 Dairy Free/Gluten Free/Soy Free powders :)

My kids LOVES the Vega Vanilla Chai for flavor which I'm very impressed. I loved it as well. I have been craving Chai Latte's lately but have refrained because they just don't taste the same with rice milk and being lactose free nowadays that would just be bad news. I was tired driving home from Regina last night so I mixed up a shake and got a nice healthy energy boost from it, feeling revitalized and fresh and had my craving met.

As for the Pumpkin Protein, I am sipping on that right now. I mixed it in with a quarter cup of blueberries and just blended it together. My kids didn't like it but I sure do. As for them I mixed it in the pancake batter to make it extra healthy. It's too yummy not to share!

Here ya go:

2 small ripe bananas

1 egg

1tsp vanilla

1/4 safflower oil

1 1/4c coconut milk

1c Bob's Red Mill GF baking mix flour

1tsp baking soda

1tsp baking powder

3 scoops of pumpkin protein powder

2 handfuls of chocolate chips

From my kitchen to yours.......Enjoy :))

....

If I gave you a penny for my thoughts and how many times I've attempted a posting you would be a millionaire.

I had been having this debate with my mind and my thoughts trying to process the stage of life I was in. Somedays I would just sit and think and if you were to ask me to describe those thoughts the only thing I would be able to mutter from my mouth would be "like.... what the fuck". Nothing was making sense. I felt like the hands of time were being reversed and there I was 16 again, then 17, then 20 then 25. Moments of my past that were furthest from my so-called "happy place" had resurfaced.

I really wasn't sure what it all meant but as I sit here, right now, I understand and I can appreciate that I needed to hit another little bump in the road so I could pick myself up, brush the dirt off my feet and walk again. It felt like I was crawling in the darkness on bruised knees in a pool of my hearts own blood. My insides were crying and screaming begging to be fixed, I was cursing his name dying to understand "WHY" and I just didn't want to understand anymore. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. "Show me a sign I would say....hmm if you are really there than show me a fucking sign". (if you know me I have extreme trouble using the "f" word except under certain circumstances....so I apologize to those that mind find it offensive and harsh but it's literally the only way to properly describe the exact feeling in that moment...and that's it)

He did..... but I was too stubborn and stuck in my emotions that I couldn't hear it or see it. So I kept begging and pleading and then there it was. Driving on the highway as I turned my head to the left to make a lane change I slammed on my breaks (yes in the middle of the highway) amazed by the glorious site I pulled over to the side of the road. Casting Crowns "Who I Am" blasting through my vehicle....the vision.....a perfect rainbow with a perfectly bright shining sun in the middle. Tears poured out uncontrollably and the only words I could mutter at this time were "thank you....i love you too....thank you" The heat from the sun beaming through my window seeped right into my heart and the warmth just melted all the ice that was left lingering and made me feel hopeful.

A new chapter began at that moment!

Out with the old in with the new :)

Here is the link along with a write up to describe the very meaning of the day and what it meant to take this photoshoot.

www.organicphotography.ca

Out of My Hands

The song speaks for itself!!

He never let's go!

A question isn't always "just" a question. Sometimes it's a realization!


As of late I was asked this by a few people...
"How is it that you are still alive and not hold so much hate or bitterness towards the world?"

Thinking of the answer, my entire life flashed before my very eyes.
I wasn't able to answer the question on the spot. I needed to reflect on how to answer it because it came to me so powerfully, my throat closing in and my chest getting heavy and my eyes starting to swell, I decided to share it on my blog and with this special song attached.

For some reason.....God chose to save me.
HE SAVED ME!

In all the times I was faced with darkness he never let go of my hand, He pulled me out of my death and He saved me!

If what I witnessed was death and what I saw when my eyes were opened was life than why shouldn't I see anything but beauty and hope. The world is full of love and song and dance and he breathed the breath of life back into me, so in order for me to show gratitude and appreciation for being lifted up from the grave that was ready for me I need to be thankful and live as best as I can and be thankful for every moment because I am here.

I am not perfect, I am not always making the right choices, I still have trouble with some hurt but I accept that I need to walk through the fire and I do it wearing His suit of armor. I know I will fumble, stumble and fall and in those moments I am reminded why I am here and what I need to do to get back up again and that in every one of those moments there is a lesson and something good will come from it.

The words on a blog, the song of "never let go" on repeat...is weighing intensely yet delicately on my heart. Coming to this realization is so powerful in my world of thought and emotion I could use a warm bath and a glass of wine right about now... And that's exactly what I'm gonna do :)

These put the "Be" back in Be-auty!

I thought pimples were for teenagers. YIKES was I wrong After reaction after reaction to gluten in my beauty products I was overwhelmed with the breakouts and desperate to find something to help my skin go back to nromal. After using this product for a few days I am already seeing a difference.

I didn't realize that gluten in my makeup and soaps would cause a problem. Boy was I wrong. I should have guessed after how sensitve I am with food and still having far too many reactions after being on a strict food diet...why oh why were things not improving.... Well, there was gluten in EVERYTHING else I was putting on my body and it was seeping into my pores. Makes sense! So all my products were instantly trashed and I was on the hunt for new GFree items.
Here are some I've found so far and I'm quite happy with.
Shampoo, Conditioner and Body Wash are from Desert Essence. I found these products at Skin Deep on 2nd Ave.

As for make up these are the new products that have landed themselves in my beauty bag :) All I've ever needed was foundation, mascara, blush and a gloss. These items are a little more expensive than what I"m used to however it's worth not feeling sick afterwards!
Lip Gloss is from Burt's Bee's My Favorite is Guava....it's pretty!!

The only other 3 must have's foundation, blush and mascara are all from Mary Kay. A friend of mine is a consultant and she checked with the head researcher of the company to make sure the products were safe for a Celiac. After using them for a few days I've noticed they last longer on my face, I'm not breaking out, my skin is left feeling fresh and I don't have to reapply at all. Phewf... because I"m not much of a make up girl to begin with so the less I have to do with it the better.



Hope this helps a little and as I find new Gfree products I'll post them.

When it snows.....

BAKE!!

I don't turn my furnace on when it gets a little chilly in the house, I preheat my oven to 350 and start creating magic in the kitchen. Nothing better than some nice warm soul food!!

Here are a couple delicious gluten free/vegan recipes...
ENJOY :)

Pumpkin Muffins

I have to double up on this recipe. A single batch lasts less than 24hrs.
1/2c tapioca flour
1/2c chickpea flour
1/2c brown rice flour
3tbsp milled flaxseed
1tsp baking soda
1tsp nutmeg
2tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp himalayen salt
1c pumpkin puree
1/2 vegetable oil
1c sugar
2tsp egg replacer mixed with 4tbsp water

Fill up your muffin cups and bake at 350 for approx 20 mins. My oven is a little less because of how hot it gets. So maybe start with 15 mins and check and go from there. To know they are ready you'll want to make sure the tops of your muffins are a little brown.

Chocolate Chip Cookies


3/4c earth balance butter
1c packed brown sugar
1/2c white sugar
1tsp vanilla
2tsp egg replacer mixed with 4tbsp water
1c white rice flour
1tbsp Xanthum Gum
2tsp gluten free baking powder
1/2tsp himalayen salt
1c Almond flour
Add in a cup of your favorite chocolate chips and keep the batter away from little fingers :))

Melt the butter and add in your egg replacer, sugars and vanilla. Mix altogether and then add all your dry ingredients. Bake at 350 for 12mins if you are using tablespoon size dropping of batter.

Pray and serve with love!!

Cheers to Chocolate

There are days when a woman just NEEDS her chocolate fix.

I have been dying to find a yummy delcious chocolate cake that is gluten free.
Well here it is. The texture afterwards is a creamy fudge like cake.
It's quick and easy and worth every mouth-watering bite!

Enjoy my friends!!


Quinoa Fudge Cake

2/3 c golden quinoa
1 1/3 c water
1/3 c rice or almond milk
4 lrg eggs (or egg replacer)
1tsp pure vanilla extract
3/4 c butter (I use a dairy and soy free butter found at dad's nutrtion)
1 1/2 c cane sugar
1 c cacao powder
1 1/2tsp baking powder
1/2tsp baking soda
1/2 himalayen salt

Cook the Quinoa in the water. Fluff it up when done
Best idea is to cook Quinoa ahead of time and keep it in your fridge and take it out as you need it.

Preheat your oven to 350.

Grease your pan or line it with some parchment papier.

Now for the goods
Add your milk, egg replacer and vanilla in a blender or food processor. Then add the quinoa and butter and blend away...

Whisk your sugar, cacao, baking powder, baking soda and salt and then add those ingredients to the blender as well.

This is......

I have been reflecting on this song for awhile now.
I need to share it.
I don't need to blog the song speaks for itself...this is where my heart is at this very moment
So CLOSE your eyes and just ENJOY!!!!

Life is Autumn

Just as the season,

life is full of colors and change

some days bright, other days grey

some warm and some cold.



Here in the McNaught home we are always experiencing change of some sort. I wish sometimes it were miniscule such as moving a dresser or couch to change the look of a room but we are always hit with something BIG that changes the dynamics in our family lifestyle.



I have always had issues with my health that were going untreated and I was always left with this question mark flashing above my head. Some days it is still flashing. But less and less. Turns out a lot of my issues were due to Celiac disease. It was left undiagnosed for so many years that my small intestine is quite severly damaged that. I cannot tolerate any type of cross contamination. I am on such a strict diet and my body has become so sensitive that I've had to since go on a dairy, egg and soy free diet as well. I LOVE food and trying out recipes and dining out trying a variety of dishes. Now being limited I was relieved to finally know the cause of so many problems I had in the past and to date but bummed because of how rediculously sensitve I've become and limited with what I can eat.



However saying that I also like being limited of what I can and cannot eat. It has forced our family to take a close look at the food and drink we put into our bodies and why we should eat what we do and why we shouldn't eat other types of food but were out of mere convenience.

I am homeschooling my children and we have the luxury of being able to study food closely and experiment with new ingredients in our kitchen on a daily basis. I LOVE how my children are becoming so educated in nutrition and what will keep them healthy so when they are grown adults and leave their safety nest they will walk into the world and be fully prepared.



Thinking I was limited with food when I was diagnosed has since changed.....There is a world of food that I didn't know exsisted and now the fun begins :)



So first big change - our family diet

Second big change - drum rollllllllll please brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr



HOMESCHOOLING/UNSCHOOLING :))))



I'm so freaking excited about this whenever I think about it or am learning more about it I'm doing a happy dance. My children always wanted to try it out but I was always to busy. Life is a new busy since starting homeschooling. I love seeing what my kids are learning and being able to incorporated life skills into their daily learning. Life is about learning, school work has become funner, we have more time for extracurricular activites and family time and we are becoming closer because of it. They are still very social little people, sometimes too social so that's not even up for arguement it's a misconception....a false fact to be exact. I do have a more compassionate appreciate for teachers out there because they don't have just one or two students it's a class of 30 give or take. They have an extreme amount of work and pressure on their shoulders. I hope that when my children enter back into the school world if they so choose that they too will have a greater admiration for the teacher as well.



Now for 3rd change....
Challenging to say the least.
My kids were hit with the news that their dad is having a baby.
Shocker....not totally. Sickening....yes. Stressful and worrysome....incredibly.
A man that can barely take are of the kids he has now to add another one to the mix has my kids world turned upside down feeling feelings that are totally unfair for their little hearts to deal with. These kids have been through more turmoil because of selfishness and retardness than words can express. Strongest children you'll ever meet, kind, gentle, loving, compassionate and thoughtful hearts of 4 amazing children. I never wanted any of this hurt and harm to my children and as a mama bear I'm so extremely in protective mode when it comes to them. Sometimes I get lost in emotion and am unsure of how to handle the news the kids have had to face. I have to admit it's extremely hard to love another human being that hurts people so easily especially the ones closest to me. It's one thing to have hurt me the way he did but the kids it's a different story. I want to be kind towards him and love him and respect him but I feel pushed over the edge and anger succumbs me. One day....it's a work in progress but it will get there....just need more time. And thats fair to ask for under these circumstances.

Change #4
Help..... Since exhusband left and how he left it was so traumatic that my brain just had no idea how to handle it. It set off things such as the autoimmune disease and made past events resurface. PTSD. There is a new study that has come out that is supposed to do wonders for the recovery of PTSD and I was accepted into the study. I'm excited to finally get to a point where I may be healed mentally from everything that's happened.

So it is October.....Thanksgiving weekend and my life is doing another complete 360. A change! A change for the better. A mission to work towards a healthier body, mind and soul.
Look out 2011 cuz I'm about to dance my way through another year but this time a dance of renewal :))

Hold Onto Hope Love

I do not need to write anything.....this songs sings the feelings within my heart....

Enjoy :)

Sometimes...

I wish I had more time to write
to dream and be still in the moment


Sometimes I wish I could go back in time
and remember what it felt like


Sometimes I wish I could jump
into my painting and feel the color, feel the feeling within the color


Sometimes I wish I could hold
onto the moment a little longer, hold onto my children longer


Sometimes I wish I could cry
and then swim in the river of tears


Sometimes I wish when I close my eyes
that I'd become a butterfly and am fluttering aside a bluebell


Sometimes I wish I was a bird
and I could fly around the world and sprinkle down love


Sometimes I wish I was a fly
on a wall because then maybe I would understand


Sometimes I wish I didn't care


Sometimes I wish I was loved....
actually I wish that all the time

Sometimes I wish
Sometimes I dream
Sometimes I am
Sometimes I am not
Someday it will be
Someday I will be

Sometimes I wish it were now
Sometimes...