Friday, August 08, 2008

As I sit here reflecting on the past few years of my life so many feelings rush through me, love, happiness, contentment, joy, satisfaction, trust, sadness, heartache, heartbreak, hurt, anger, distrust, numbness, emptiness, and loneliness. I have missed blogging so much and to be honest I didn’t know how to write anything. Wondering if it was right or wrong to do so. Wondering how I would feeling seeing the truth written down. But I have had to face reality whether I like it or not and I’ve had to leave my place of comfort.
What I thought was my destiny and my forever has turned out to be anything but. I married Justin 3 years ago and yes we had our ups and downs but we were working. We made it worked, we fought less, we had fun, we loved eachother and we loved and do love our children and were blessed with two more babies over the years. Justin finally won his dream job and was able to work from home which brought us back to Saskatoon just in time to greet a new baby into this world. Who would have thought that such a beautiful time in ones life could turn into an absolute nightmare.
May 31st the anniversary of our first date started off alright and ended with me crying listening to my husband tell me he doesn’t think I love him and bringing up past issues that I thought were forgiven and put behind us. Since I am being honest here goes those instances....4 years ago Justin left me, it was a nasty break up and I was never wanting anything to do with him and him with me. I was broken and emotionally torn and turned to anyone for comfort. His best friend would come by all the time to check on us and in that time of weakness I began a relationship with him. Truthfully not intending revenge but only seeking the comfort and love that I was hoping for. No it didn’t last and anything out of rebound isn’t destined. Totally to my surprise Justin and I got back together months later and we were great. We were able to build a new life together and start fresh. Things started to slide again as we moved to BC. With all the stresses in our life out there and with his family I was rethinking our marriage. So I went to a halloween party and a man who took interest in what I had to say for once made a pass at me, a kiss, and I let it happen. I instantly felt a rush of guilt ran our of the party and went home. Feeling that guilt I confessed this kiss to my husband the next day and as much as it hurt him he soon forgave me and we were able to move past our troubles. After we cut contact off with his abusive brother we were able to have stability and friendship again and love. We had family time and fun and to be honest life was quite content, not perfect but content. Some things bothered me more than others, I would smell smoke on him and he would lie about it and he was smoking tons of dope and it was getting inbetween us. But we still found time for love and happiness.

So back to May 31st, there I was crying and begging and pleading with him telling him how much I do love him and all he could do was throw the past in my face as if it was yesterday. He still held me that night and woke up and hugged me the next morning. All weekend I was having contractions and felt like it was the beginning of labour but I was scared and didn’t want to have an early baby so I tried ignoring the signs. But Sunday night I couldn’t ignore it anymore. All of a sudden Justin tells me that he’s never loved me and that he moved us back to leave me and that he has faked our marriage and our relationship for the past 7 years. I couldn’t even say a word. I left the house and stayed at my parents for the night. The contractions worsened and I knew this baby wasn’t going to hold on any longer. I wanted to go to the doctor but Justin was insistent on taking Cohen to the park so my mom took me to the doctor. My regular obgyn was off and I saw one of her partners. He said I was going into premature labour and I had to have my stitch removed. He tried pulling it out of my cervix in the exam room and only succeeded at pulling out a quarter of it. So he sent me up to the hospital to have the rest removed and see where that took me. The contractions continued and was full on in my back so they sent me right into the OR for my c-section. My husband was there by my side but emotionally gone. No I love you’s or nothing. After I gave birth the doctors let me hold him for half a second and took Brady down to NICU. Due to weak lungs he had to be on oxygen and soon after intubated. Because of the c-section I had to stay in the hospital for the first part of my recovery. I felt so alone. A husband not wanting me, my baby in NICU and my children at home. I can’t even describe to you the brokeness I felt. My husband started turning into someone I didn’t recognize anymore. My children didn’t recognize him either and it started to scare them. They would come to the hospital and be so upset and they would leave and it would just tear me in two knowing they were so sad.
Justin’s behaviour became more irrational and erratic and as the days went on Justin became more lost. The day after I got out of the hospital my husband left me. He was planning to leave after helping me recover but due to his behaviour my father asked him to step out for only a few days to have some breathing room but Justin said no he’d be gone for good. And that was that. He became an invisible father and took no thought in how this would affect the children. Instead thinking only of himself he began to break the kids hearts in only a way an emotionless man could. Telling them things no child should ever hear. Going on and on about wanting a divorce and breaking my heart over and over and throwing things in my face constantly not caring that I was separated from my newborn baby and recovering from surgery.
Now it makes sense. Without getting into every little detail about what has happened and what he did the bottom line is the man I thought was a family man a devoted father and husband was and is nothing but heartless and a coward. Two days before I got out of the hospital he started contacting an old girlfriend, a nobody he dated shortly after highschool. He said he’s always loved her and he mustered up the nerve to tell her so the day before we separated (the day I got out of the hospital). His act of adultery couldn’t have happened at worse time as this. To say he’s in love with this woman he’s rarely spoken of. All I can think of is how lucky she is to win a man who left his wife during childbirth, abandoned his brand new premature baby and three other beautiful children. A man not knowing what true love is and what true happiness is and not realizing he had it all and left it all for what. His family also abandoned us. A family I loved and hoped would be there for my children to put aside marital issues and just focus on the children but they couldn’t and chose to let go and lost 4 sweetest little people doing so.
Since this has been so hard on the kids and after many weeks of intense councelling a decision was decided on. A tough decision but a much needed one. We’ve since cut off contact with Justin. The children couldn’t handle it anymore. After his effortless visits and heartless phone calls the kids would hide under their beds, wear his clothing, fight and cry nonstop. Since we’ve had no contact they have been wondeful and happy and feeling secure. They have started councelling on their own and hearing them speak their true feelings about this situation has been shocking. I couldn’t believe my ears and I just ache for them. But we are taking the proper steps to make things right.

I’ve also decided to take a new outlook on life and do things for me. I’ve had massages and treated myself to shopping and haircuts and a pedicure and some time alone to reflect and be thankful for what I have. I have found happiness and love within my children and the Lord and realized I need nothing more and whatever comes in my future will be heavensent. I love every minute I get to spend with my children. Talking to them and opening up about our thoughts and feelings and having fun. I’m taking one day at a time and healing and overcoming this obstacle. I have come to realize that I am worth more than this and I deserve happiness and to be treated like a woman should be treated and loved. A man who does this to a another human being isn’t worthy. This has been so tough and everything I do I constantly wonder and worry about hurting his feelings and then realize I just need to take this step back and really observe everything and come to healthy decisions without any influence. I don’t want to rush on my emotions, my sadness or anger, I don’t want to say things I will one day regret. I too have made mistakes and everything is a learning experience but this this isn’t a mistake this is cruelty yet in my heart I can find forgiveness and move on from it and just love this life that I’ve been given to live. I plan on doing just that. Living this life to the best and giving my children nothing but the best because that is what they deserve. They are the cutest, most generous, kindest children that hold an innocent beauty from God and as a mother I am here to protect them and guide them and do what is right for them and that is my only intention to do what is right for them....out of love. As hard as it was to get here I am excited. I am excited for my life and life with my kids and to see where tomorrow takes us. I have had nothing but love and support from all my family and friends and I couldn’t ask for better people to share our life with. I am so thankful and I feel so fortunate to have 4 little blessings and miracles beside all day. 4 little voices that tell me I’m pretty and beautiful and that I’m the best mommy and that they love me so much. I get to hear that everyday and tell them everyday how wonderful they are and that they are the best kids a mommy could ask for. I get to cuddle, hug and kiss them whenever I want to and whenever they need it. That is my life right now and I couldn't ask for anything different this very moment. God has given me a life worth living and I will make Him proud.

Monday, August 04, 2008

2 months just flew right by. So many changes have taken place and once I have a few extra minutes I'll be able to write a little more...for now here are some recent photo's of my everythings!!