Friday, March 27, 2009

My Climb

For those reading this through facebook click on ...I have some special music that captures my moment and emotion....
Here goes:

I picture the Lord standing beside us humans as we face the mountains in front of us and gently helping us along. Letting us take the climb but providing that fatherly lift when we just can't anymore.

Lord, You know who I am, yet you love me so. You never let me down you. You allowed me to stand in front of you and scream and curse you, yet you placed your hand on my shoulder and kissed my cheek and said "Daughter I love you. Come with me, I can't guarantee you won't hurt and feel broken at times but when you hold my hand, I will walk you through....even if you don't want to at the time I will never leave you"

A child of Christ I am and am becoming. I came from the gutter and I am not perfect, oh not even close. If I share what I am about to share you will know me, all of me and why accepting yet another cross is now ok...because I know it will be ok. You have seen the heartbreak my kids and I have lived through the past 10 mths but here is the last 14 years in a shrunken version. So you ask, how can I smile during times like these, how can I find happiness during times like these...well this is why.... :)

I was a stubborn, hard shelled little girl. One that thought she knew everything but knew nothing. I was picked on and ostrasized and always a follower. Just wanting to belong. And one day I did. To a troubled boy, who took something from me and scarred a part of me that I'm still blacked out from, which led to suicidal attempts, fights with parents, drugs, drinking, smoking, partying, rape, battling eating disorders, held against my will, being kicked out of my home at 15, living on the streets, in friends basements, at the YWCA, at friends homes, in my car, in and out of councelling centers, a taste of juevenile hall, psych ward to detox, dealing drugs, more men, more parties, hurting my siblings, hurting my family, walked out of highschool, got involved with a very unhealthy man, abusive in every way, had a baby, went into hiding, moved to Toronto engaged to another bad news bear, moved back home, didn't make the best choices while being a single parent, then enrolled myself into college to make a difference, met Justin, lost babies, had surgeries, moved around, had babies, married Justin and well the rest of it you know (if not check out the older posts they are available at the side of the blog:)).

I have attempted to destroy this temple God blessed me with, I have allowed people to walk on me, control me and hurt me, I have managed to do it to myself as well. And why? I don't know, I really don't. But from ALL of this I am finding out who I am, and who God is wanting me to be. "Finding" is the key word. It's a journey.....A climb and I'M CLIMBING!!!

To be honest after Justin left me I didn't know who I was supposed to be anymore. I was so hurt that I lost myself. I allowed him to take that away from me, he thought he was mighty enough to take that part of me and destroy it as he did this family. He continues to try and ruin our happiness, day after day. But the difference if from then to now and after everything is I don't give a flying F@#$ He may have destroyed it but I am blessed with REBUILDING it! Pouring so much love and happiness in the home that it doesn't matter what we come by we can still find something to smile, and laugh about. If I could get through all of the shit from my past I am sure I can get through this and I am. I have been doing it all along just not realizing so. Of course there are going to be more mountains to climb, of course there will be times where shit will hit the fan but I say this with certainty......who cares, it will be ok. It is ok. Our life can be taken from us in a second, people can be ripped away from us in a second but in that second we still lived and have been given the gift to live and for that we embrace it. Embrace the beauty and embrace the ugly. Life is a gift, happiness is a choice, love is a blessing. God is forever, so make Him proud.

I gotta be honest though, this has felt like the worst, not just because of how everything went about but because it forced me to relive the past and question my being and remember where I was and how I got here and everytime I felt like I was standing on my feet I was allowing my husband to shove me down to the ground over and over and over and I felt like I was getting now where until one day I woke up. And God was standing there reaching out to me yelling gracefully "c'mon....what are you waiting for" You have it all, you have your children, your family, your friends, YOU HAVE LIFE....and most importantly YOU HAVE ME!!!!!!!!" "Why say you are searching for love and happiness when you are loved and happiness is within, grip it and feel it and honor it".

This has been brewing in my Saved Box for awhile now, finding the right words. I was talking with a friend about blogging, well actually a few and a few fellow bloggers, why do we blog, what's the point, it's so private, why share. So this is why for me anyways............ It's the TRUTH. Look around you and who is scared to say something honest because of how they might look, say ones life is falling apart and they feel so alone no one to reach out to well....this is a good way to know YOU are not alone. There is a reason why I have been given these experiences, and it's not to bottle it up and hide and be ashamed of it...I once was. I used to be so scared of what I lived through and why it's what it, reveal it, share it, show the good, the bad and the ugly. If I am great I'll let you know I'm great...If life is the craps well, hey it's the craps. Tomorrow will be better, heck the next 5 minutes will be better. Sometimes I question myself whether or not I've said to much but also it helps me. It's so therapeutic to just GET IT OUT! It's different than a journal, it stays here, in my home, in my drawer, in my circle. Blogging puts it out there, it helps me get rid of the icky feelings and welcome the freshness.

Just thought I would yeah, thank you again for following my blogs. For helping me, encouraging me, praying for me and my children. We're getting there :)....and it's super cool ;)

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

What's your miracle?

A definition of a "Miracle":

An event that appears inexplicable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural in origin or an act of God: “Miracles are spontaneous, they cannot be summoned, but come of themselves” (Katherine Anne Porter).

We have all different kinds of miracles. You have the BIG ones like giving birth and the little ones that normally aren't considered miracles like getting to the grocery store safely while driving on slippery roads however when you add all the little ones up they actually turn into ONE BIG miracle. I believe something such as overcoming a fear or a broken heart is one because our human flesh has the natural response to stay in a deadend zone but with God things become ever changing and beautiful.

I was so tired of being in a state of brokeness and now I am so thankful for it. I don't wish it to happen ever again but really I don't know who I would be today without it. I love what is becoming, what I'm discovering, learning, achieving physically, emotionally but most of all spiritually.

So I started making a mental list about all the big and little miracles I have been given in my life. Over the past 10 mths we were praying for a miracle,we were praying for life to become a bit easier and it wasn't until I stopped and thought about everything over the last 10mths have I realized we've been given great miracles.
I was given a gift of a cleaning lady, a family photo shoot, kids showing up on my doorstep to shovel for $20, babysitters on call all the time, an amazing school accomodating our busy schedule (seriously what school does that) I love Prince Philip!!!!! Christian councellors and a christian lawyer, friends and some new ones that are all connected somehow, accepting the apology of "the other woman", moms group, meals, gifts to help lessen the errands, awesome doctors that try and speed things up for the kids, a super dentist that gives deals, a health care nurse that checks in all the time, a car dealership that picks my van up free of charge and gives me a loaner whenever my van even needs an oil change, my friends, family and children, and all the sadness and heartache that I'm overcoming. Everything and everyone God has placed in my life has become a miracle to me.

And the biggest realization of all..............................
is that all these miracles add up to the BIG ONE
which is


So I challenge you to sit and reflect on all the little and big things in your life, happening around you and see how content with life you will become.........I know I am :)

A Miracle Part 2

A miracle within the hearts of these children. A special birthday treat for their daddy and a day to remember by each one of them. I am so thankful to have been able to catch this moment and freeze it for the children to remember.

Thursday, March 19, 2009


I have been asked few questions lately one of which was who did we use to be. So I thought why not make a memorial post of just that. We used to be happy, so very happy and I think that is something to be proud of and celebrate. I did love our marriage and I love what we created during our marriage and that's what I am taking with me. Our signature was Ben Harper's "Forever" Speaks the truth. Unfortunately our forever ended a little early and the one last gift he gave to me was to be able to spiritually move forward and find that forever again. ;) I had it once and oooh I'll have it again but BIGGER and BETTER!!
So here is a glimpse of what was Carissa and Justin Seitz!
Not talkin' 'bout a year
no not three or four
I don't want that kind of forever
in my life anymore
forever always seems
to be around when it begins
but forever never seems
to be around when it ends

so give me your forever
please your forever
not a day less will do
from you

People spend so much time

every single day
runnin' 'round all over town
givin' their forever away
but no not me
I won't let my forever roam
and now I hope I can find
my forever a home
so give me your forever
please your forever
not a day less will do
from you

Like a handless clock with numbers

an infinite of time
no not the forever found
only in the mind
forever always seems
to be around when things begin
but forever never seems
to be around when things end
so give me your forever
please your forever
not a day less will do
from you

Monday, March 16, 2009

Dearest Daughter

My daughter Emmy, she is of absolute beauty. All my children are but Em is caring a heavy burden in her heart. I've often wondered what it would be like to be in her shoes. She's strong and mature, helpful and loving, yet sensitive and broken.

She pretends like she has the world figured out and to some degree she does. She's had to grow up so fast and it hasn't been fair. But she takes it. And as tough as it is for her to remember her role as being a 10 year old little girl it does get lost in the shuffle of a household of 3 little boys and a single mom.

She is facing such competition between her brothers and her father. I wish he could see just how precious this time is and try and understand what is aching in her heart. Instead it gets dismissed and she gets put back into her place. Standing there feeling more lost and unsure of who she is and who she is supposed to be. Before and after her dad left he put so much devastation in her world and didn't help teach her how to cope, she was just supposed to know that adults are adults and she just has to deal with it. But at 10 how can you. The preteen years where you look at your father like they are your everything, so much admiration. As every age is precious this age is fragile. They are coming into their own and it's so important to make sure we act as we teach for when they enter into the world in a more grown up manner our behaviour hopefully reflects their behaviour. Of course they will pave their own pathway and make there own choices but it's the roots, and firmly grounding those roots for something to think on and fall back on. We were on the road to planting those roots and then they were cut right off from underneath her feet. So I am trying to replant them and every monday, thursday and every second saturday they get cut back a little more. And we have to work that much harder at fixing it but at least it's a positive step.

I think the hardest part about being a parent is being unable to fix "everything". Especially a broken heart. When change is staring at you right in the face but is unwilling it makes being that single parent that much harder and there left is that broken heart.

What am I leaning on to help walk my daughter through this is constant reassurance. Love, faith, patience, perserverance, hope and believing. And knowing. Knowing that only we can bring ourselves the happiness our heart needs to thrive and live by God and God alone. To respect her parents but to follow what she knows is right (hopefully I can continue to overshadow the not so right especially right now) and to love the ability of being able to choose her way and honor it. To pray in times of distress and when she gets that icky feeling in her tummy, to pray in times of contentness and happiness. To trust and believe that even though her earthly father has let her down her heavenly father NEVER will and is right there beside her holding her hand and wiping her tears and smiling at her every step of her way.

I think of years and how many years are actually "left" to make a difference. I only have 2 summers before she's a teen....5.5 years before she will drive and 7 years of summers before she is either graduated or off to college. I hope she stays home for awhile but the point is, 10 years have already passed right by and doing damage control in only a couple years is somethin else.

If I could please ask for prayer for her heart. For her to feel loved and trusted and for her to trust and love herself. For her to lean on her heavenly father while her earthly father isn't emotionally there and for that dad to become the dad this little girl really needs. Amen!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

It's Up...

I'll still post on this site as well...hopefully I can keep up :)

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Proverbs 4:23

"Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life."
This verse has brought so much light to my mind and has really made me think and think and think some more........
After reflecting over what's happened the past 9mths, I have come to such a state of contentness and peace and love. Instead of dwelling over the cards I've been dealt I've decided to play the hand I've been given to the best of my ability. I'm so happy, so excited and just ready. More ready than I have ever been. I have the rest of my life ahead of me the lives of 4 beautiful children. My actions need to reflect goodness and goodness is what they will learn and how they will expect to be treated and how they will be expected to treat others, I deserve no less and nor do they.
I'm not looking back, I'm moving forward. I've needed to take the past few weeks and really question myself and my plan for my family and I'm so thrilled I did. I have just really truly and graciously accepted this cross. If the Lord was standing in front of me now asking me what my next step is going to be, will I take this as a burden and fall or will I take it as a gift and stand. Well I have accepted it as a gift and I would not be the person I am today if none of this happened. I've found myself again and I've also been able to really enjoy life amidst all the chaos. I've started to read more, spend more quality time with my kids and my friends and family, I've started painting again (when there is time), cooking and enjoying some wine and writing and recently I was reminded of what it was like to dance again, Oh how I've missed the chacha, and I plan to do more of it!!!!! I have always wanted to dance in the rain, so since spring is approaching I'm going to practice and the first warm rain we have I'll be the "presumed crazy lady" dancing on the streets of Preston Ave ;)
As well I have started a new's not quite up yet but will be soon. It's to celebrate being a mom and to share the wonders of having 4 children and just us, our new life.
Hopefully I will have it up and running soon!!
Thank you again for reading and sharing this journey with me.
Blessings to you all,

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

My Vacation...

Ok so maybe at this point in my life taking a holiday outside of my home is a little much... however I was able to pack up my emotions and take a bit of a spiritual vacation. Just like any vacation it had it's moments, more towards the end...a few bumps here and there but for the most part it was lovely.

I was able to finally finish reading The Shack. I recommend it to anyone who hasn't read it yet. But a few key things, Pray before you read it and while you read it. It is a FICTIONAL novel and it can confuse or distort somethings. However I found it helped me reflect on love, life, and forgiveness (the biggest part in the book for me I'd say). Especially with what's been going on in my life. But like any book that has anything to do about the goodness and grace of God, one has to be careful as to not idolize the book, follow the readings as if it's the only truth because....well.....there is only one book for that. So yeah, some things were waaayyy out there and somethings were so graciously written. An interesting read if anything.... I am interested in hearing from anyone else that has read it and what your opinion is.

Another sweet discovery was coming across Matthew 6:26-27 ...with my friend Kristin.

".......Look at the birds! They don't worry about what to eat-they don't need to sow or reap or store up food - for your heavenly father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to Him than they are. Will all your worries add a single moment to your life?"

A reflection I"m going to end with..... :)