I picture the Lord standing beside us humans as we face the mountains in front of us and gently helping us along. Letting us take the climb but providing that fatherly lift when we just can't anymore.
Lord, You know who I am, yet you love me so. You never let me down you. You allowed me to stand in front of you and scream and curse you, yet you placed your hand on my shoulder and kissed my cheek and said "Daughter I love you. Come with me, I can't guarantee you won't hurt and feel broken at times but when you hold my hand, I will walk you through....even if you don't want to at the time I will never leave you"
A child of Christ I am and am becoming. I came from the gutter and I am not perfect, oh not even close. If I share what I am about to share you will know me, all of me and why accepting yet another cross is now ok...because I know it will be ok. You have seen the heartbreak my kids and I have lived through the past 10 mths but here is the last 14 years in a shrunken version. So you ask, how can I smile during times like these, how can I find happiness during times like these...well this is why.... :)
I was a stubborn, hard shelled little girl. One that thought she knew everything but knew nothing. I was picked on and ostrasized and always a follower. Just wanting to belong. And one day I did. To a troubled boy, who took something from me and scarred a part of me that I'm still blacked out from, which led to suicidal attempts, fights with parents, drugs, drinking, smoking, partying, rape, battling eating disorders, held against my will, being kicked out of my home at 15, living on the streets, in friends basements, at the YWCA, at friends homes, in my car, in and out of councelling centers, a taste of juevenile hall, psych ward to detox, dealing drugs, more men, more parties, hurting my siblings, hurting my family, walked out of highschool, got involved with a very unhealthy man, abusive in every way, had a baby, went into hiding, moved to Toronto engaged to another bad news bear, moved back home, didn't make the best choices while being a single parent, then enrolled myself into college to make a difference, met Justin, lost babies, had surgeries, moved around, had babies, married Justin and well the rest of it you know (if not check out the older posts they are available at the side of the blog:)).
I have attempted to destroy this temple God blessed me with, I have allowed people to walk on me, control me and hurt me, I have managed to do it to myself as well. And why? I don't know, I really don't. But from ALL of this I am finding out who I am, and who God is wanting me to be. "Finding" is the key word. It's a journey.....A climb and I'M CLIMBING!!!
To be honest after Justin left me I didn't know who I was supposed to be anymore. I was so hurt that I lost myself. I allowed him to take that away from me, he thought he was mighty enough to take that part of me and destroy it as he did this family. He continues to try and ruin our happiness, day after day. But the difference if from then to now and after everything is I don't give a flying F@#$ He may have destroyed it but I am blessed with REBUILDING it! Pouring so much love and happiness in the home that it doesn't matter what we come by we can still find something to smile, and laugh about. If I could get through all of the shit from my past I am sure I can get through this and I am. I have been doing it all along just not realizing so. Of course there are going to be more mountains to climb, of course there will be times where shit will hit the fan but I say this with certainty......who cares, it will be ok. It is ok. Our life can be taken from us in a second, people can be ripped away from us in a second but in that second we still lived and have been given the gift to live and for that we embrace it. Embrace the beauty and embrace the ugly. Life is a gift, happiness is a choice, love is a blessing. God is forever, so make Him proud.
I gotta be honest though, this has felt like the worst, not just because of how everything went about but because it forced me to relive the past and question my being and remember where I was and how I got here and everytime I felt like I was standing on my feet I was allowing my husband to shove me down to the ground over and over and over and I felt like I was getting now where until one day I woke up. And God was standing there reaching out to me yelling gracefully "c'mon....what are you waiting for" You have it all, you have your children, your family, your friends, YOU HAVE LIFE....and most importantly YOU HAVE ME!!!!!!!!" "Why say you are searching for love and happiness when you are loved and happiness is within, grip it and feel it and honor it".
This has been brewing in my Saved Box for awhile now, finding the right words. I was talking with a friend about blogging, well actually a few and a few fellow bloggers, why do we blog, what's the point, it's so private, why share. So this is why for me anyways............ It's the TRUTH. Look around you and who is scared to say something honest because of how they might look, say ones life is falling apart and they feel so alone no one to reach out to well....this is a good way to know YOU are not alone. There is a reason why I have been given these experiences, and it's not to bottle it up and hide and be ashamed of it...I once was. I used to be so scared of what I lived through and why it's what happened....express it, reveal it, share it, show the good, the bad and the ugly. If I am great I'll let you know I'm great...If life is the craps well, hey it's the craps. Tomorrow will be better, heck the next 5 minutes will be better. Sometimes I question myself whether or not I've said to much but also it helps me. It's so therapeutic to just GET IT OUT! It's different than a journal, it stays here, in my home, in my drawer, in my circle. Blogging puts it out there, it helps me get rid of the icky feelings and welcome the freshness.
Just thought I would mention...so yeah, thank you again for following my blogs. For helping me, encouraging me, praying for me and my children. We're getting there :)....and it's super cool ;)