Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New Year!!


To start the New Year off.....I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I miss blogging. To be honest it's very therepeutic for me. Even if no one reads it. I'm not here to bash anyone (even though sometimes it might come across that way...or be a whiner or cry baby...I"m here to be real, and open and be free in thought. There is a lot going on in my life, a lot of heart ache yet and yet a lot of great things are also happening. Maybe expressing things in blogger world will help me not feel so alone at times.

Tonight was blessed and broken all at the same time.
Blessed being...I got to ring in the new year the best way possible. My 4 little ones and me, pizza, munchies, icecream, Wall-e, skip bo and the countdown and prayer. Cohen didn't last, he went to sleep long before the countdown, Brady....well Brady never sleeps so he's always in party mode. Carter and Emily, they couldn't believe I let them stay up to midnight. Hillariously trying to understand how it could possible be "next year". *(Brady is sitting beside me in bed blowing spit bubbles at I remember how difficult blogging can be at times :))* I am excited to see what new cute little things my children will share with me this new year.

As for brokeness...that is something I'm working very hard to overcome. This chain of events with Justin has been the hardest thing I think I've ever had to go through. It should be easy to let go of someone who is so hurtful and cruel day after day however as easy as it is to think so it's harder to do so. Lately his focus has been off of the kids completely. He is there for his 2 hour visit and that's about it. The kids are suffering once again. After his last relationship ended he was starting to do right by his kids making them somewhat a priority...a work in progress and it was nice to see, but now that there is someone new he could care less about hurting the family around him. New Years was always big for us. We usually spent it with our friend Eric and Kristin and always with our children playing games, having tons of fun and prayin in the new year. Something Justin held dear, so this time it was hard knowing he was out partying and sharing that midnight kiss with someone else missing out on his kids enjoyment. This is what I'm working on trying to get over. I've never wanted my family torn apart and that's a stab wound that is not healing as fast as I would like but what can I do but leave all of this in the Lord's hands and know we'll be taken care of either way. It's hard dealing with his selfishness day in and day out, hearing over and over again how he faked being happy (which I truly don't buy but doesn't make it any easier to hear) and I just have to start saying to myself, he doesn't deserve us. I have finally figured out the real reason why he left us and it's not that he didn't love me anymore it's that he couldn't handle keeping it together back in saskatoon...too much distraction, he missed being a bachelor and having a life of no responsibility, and well with our family because of it's size it's busy and he just couldn't take it anymore. If that wasn't the case he would be here helping as much as possible, bring his baby up knowing who his daddy is but he isn't. He's turning out to be nothing but a stranger to us all.

So my new years resolution is to move forward, continue letting go and letting God. To work on finding forgiveness and happiness especially in the lonely times. To be the best mom I can possibly be. To have less weak moments and continue on the path of healing. I know it won't be easy and I have to be still and patient knowing all will come in due time but I'm willing to do the work and blog my way through it, the good the bad and the ugly. Laughter and tears I will make it my everything to be free from all of this and give my children nothing but the best!!