Monday, February 16, 2009
Once again the week of "interest" has diminished....the week of "respect" is gone. Out the window. I try to move forward and bring happiness into my life and home and immediately he tries to take that away. Using his own guilt to manipulate the situation to concoct some schema to turn the tables and try and put the blame where it doesn't belong.
Tonight both kids finally caught him in the act of lying and called him on it. But supposedly I am pitting them against him. If only we could transform outselves into little flies on the walls. I would offer him the first chance to be on ours. Because I love my kids and because I want to protect my kids I shelter a lot of what's happened from them. I don't want them to know everything, nor should they, they are too little. They know minor details and even that I feel horrible for but in no way am I out to make him look bad in front of these children. He does a perfectly fine job doing that himself. When I try and cover his rear I am now filling the shoes of the liar. Don't worry daddy loves you so much and he misses you so much... I get "ya right if he loved us he would be here, if he missed us he would be here, if he loved our family he would be with you and he would love you and us like he used to. " In most situations it's like the husband left the wife. In this case the husband left the wife and the family. I know he loves these kids however the way he shows he loves and cares is just nonexistent. The true interest is nothing. Yet it's my fault...all my fault.
WHY....why do I let this bother me so friggin much? Well that's where I have a huge fault. I care, I care about what other peoples perception is of me. I don't like to be called a liar or a manipulator or and I feel the need to clear any misconception up asap. I guess that's where I've become just way too open and honest. I hate secrets....I hate lies. I will explain myself till I"m blue in the face to fix misunderstandings. I hate that he calls me a liar, that he says such mean things about me because that's not who I am. And I feel after 8 mths of this and being with him for 7 years that if anything I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
I keep trying to tell myself (and I'm going to reread this sentence over and over until I get it tonight)... He walked out on a beautiful marriage, wife and 4 children, one in which he doesn't know very well. I have my children, I am left with my family...my sweet kids and he can't take our love away from us. If it's not good enough for him and he thinks this lifestyle is the way to be then so be it. She can have him....but hopefully leave us alone!!!!.....and soon!
Again I'm trying to accept this cross and bear it, I truly am but every day it takes so much effort to not just throw in the towel. It's a true test of faith.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
2.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother and fathers middle names) Rose Dean
3.NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother’s dad, father’s dad) Ronald Elwood
4.STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name) Seica
5.DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) Pink Elephant
6.SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, town where you were born) Lyn Saskatoon
7.SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add “THE” to the beginning)The Blue Shirley Temple
8.FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name) Case
9.STREET NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie) Mint Chip Digestive
10 ROCK STAR NAME (pet’s name and street where you live) Stanley Preston
11. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on) Sally Airport (??) Shailey Guelph
12.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle) Carizzle
13.YOUR IRAQI.. NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first two letters of your middle name, last two letters of your first name then last three letters of your last name) Ailysaitz
14.YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets) Black Sadie
15. STRIPPER NAME: (name of favorite perfume and candy)MK Romantic Skittles
Friday, February 13, 2009
Jesus is helping me see and making me feel like I can walk on water
I'm not perfect nor will I pretend to be, however I am determined and motivated. My mom said something to me the other day that really struck a chord.....life is just passing us by. It is....quickly. Before I know it my kids will be all grown up and moved out and I don't want to look back and see how we spent all our time grieving over the loss of some man/father that has no feelings towards us anyways. So why should we. Does it still hurt, yes, it doesn't go away real fast however one learns to cope better and heal. I want to be happy and sha re that happiness, I want to be loved and love and I want to exist. I have learned happiness does not come from another man, I have become very content with my own time and life and knowing that I can manage perfectly fine on my own with 4 children. However it would be lovely to share life with another....one day. For now I know that I am ready. I am ready to move on and take the steps to finally put an end to this madness. My Valentine's gift to myself. I feel so sure and strong as to what I need and want to do. As long as I am I am sure my kids will soon follow. As I believe it's time to let our heavenly father have full control at being the parent, the ultimate provider. More of me letting go of any control over the situation I thought I had and realize I have none. And it's a good feeling to know that I don't and to be honest I'm so excited. The past few days I feel so ready and excited, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. And ya....... it's a woohoo moment :)
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Carter..."Dear God, I am sad and I am mad..Amen"
Emily...."Dear God, please help me to get along with my brother. Please help keep us safe during the day and night. Please help my daddy come back home, we miss him and love him. Give him more baby steps toward us. Amen...Emily"
Cohen...."Cohen miss daddy, where daddy go"
I wish I could answer these prayers for them. To stop the hurt. It tears me up inside to hear my kids say they don't feel like they are loved. They talk about how they miss the good days, the days their daddy was home and how sad they are that he isn't here anymore. How much we all miss the good times. But those times are gone and according to Justin, they are gone forever. Too bad, it would have made a wonderful story of a man finding his way back home....the prodigal husband, the human being. But it's not like that. Everyday I have to look at my kids, see their hurt and try not to cry and tell them don't worry everything will be ok, we are still a family and mommy will do her best always. But as hard as they try....it's not good enough.
Kids do not deserve this. Divorce is such a selfish selfish act. I dont' care what the circumstance, marriage should be of great importance, it's a committment, it's a privilege, a reminder that we are to reflect God's love to the other human being...remind them everyday by acting the way God would act. In love! But nope, very seldom is it like that. Which is Horsedung if you ask me. Who suffers, the one left broken hearted and the children. All a child wants is for happy parents, loving parents and a good life. Sure everyone is going to have their own type of pain however as parents we shouldn't go about and deliberately create it. We are supposed to protect them not expose them. Teach them strength, courage, determination, love, compassion, , and committment
How can you teach them strength when you are weak, courage when you're a coward, determination when you give up, love when you hate, compassion when you don't feel, and committment............ when you divorce.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Friday, February 06, 2009
My kids have been so sick lately. For over a week my 3 boys were sick at the same time, then Carter got better and Cohen got worse, then Cohen got better and Brady got worse and Brady has stayed sick. I finally took him into the Ped's ER and found out, the little guy does not have asthma he has Bronchopulminary Dysplaysia due to his immature lungs at birth. He also has bronchiolitis and croup both of which are viral and can't be treated with antibiotics. So lots and lots of love and cuddles and hopefully soon...we'll start seeing some improvement so he can have a break. However with BPD he's likely to get sick quite often. We'll be meeting with a pediatrician and I'm looking at a homeopath and naturopath doctor as well. Cohen has had back to back ear infections so he'll also be seeing a specialist to see if he needs tubes in his ears. I am hoping he gets them sooner than later so that this chronic ear infection thing stops and he can also have some rest.
It's made for a very exhausting, emotional rollercoaster month. I have been so tired but I won't begin to complain as I've stayed healthy and I feel so bad for my kids. The healthy ones get less attention because the sick ones just need so much and being one it's hard to dish out equal mommy time. So I look forward to everyone getting healthier so we can get back on track and have some fun and get out of this house................hopefully *fingers crossed*!!!!!!!!!
The past few days, things have started to turn around. I have been able to have Justin around the house for a little extra help. I'm not sure what happened but for the first time in 8 mths I could see a sincere interest in being there for our children. It's a glimpse of the man that he once was. I am afraid of getting my hopes up that this is going to last but for my kids I want them to experience it while it is existing. As hard as it is for me to have my husband around (because of that... he is still my husband....... yet he won't be for much longer:( ) it's what my kids need.
I have been contemplating whether or not to take down the blog...is it the right thing or the wrong thing to do, to publicly journal the truths of my life. And then I realized that that's just it. It's my life, I"m not out to bash Justin whatsoever, just to share what is going on with me and my heart and my family and Justin has played a huge role in the current situation. I'm not out to try and destroy him, I dont' want to make him out to be a horrible man. He's human, a man who has made mistakes. I am not perfect and I have made some terrible choices in my life as well. I wouldn't blog about this stuff if I didn't care so much and love so deeply. I have struggled to find ways to cope with all of this when I"m not in therapy and when my kids go to bed and I"m alone thinking...thinking...thinking.. And blogging has helped so much, to get it out, to make it feel less real, to have the support and prayer from my readers and to just reflect and to learn to be comfortable with the place I am in. That's what this blog is for. I am sorry if ever I offend anyone by sharing what is going on or that I'm doing it for some kind of revenge. Not at all. To be honest I hope that this good co-parenting relationship Justin and I have had the past few days will continue and that I will be able to share all the good things that can come of that. He is a man I loved and still love and he has needed just as much if not more prayer than me. Sometimes I might seem harsh or speak negative about what's going on with him but I wanted to just make it clear that I'm not out to "ruin" anyone. Just trying to find my way............... :)
On that note...my baby is awake.
I will be back as I'm going to try and do this 25 Random Things that everyone is doing. ....unless the caffeine high dies down!!!!
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you
1. I'm a night owl. I wish I could go to sleep early and wake up early and enjoy it but I don't. I wish I slept, but I don't.
2. I have to eat my munchies in three different parts. First comes the salty snack, then the chocolate and then the gummies. It almost always has to be in that order. I can't just eat something salty and then not eat chocolate or gummies....it will literally stress me out.
3. I miss BC and wish I still lived there. I love Saskatoon but it has always brought our family bad luck. I especially miss Naramata, I love it there and one day I hope to move back.
4. I talk to God all day. Every thought I have is a prayer, it's just become so natural over the last few years. I love this spiritual journey I'm on yet it frustrates me at the same time.
5. I'm not afraid to share or talk about anything pertaining to my life. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a more private person but it just doesn't seem to work out that way.
6. I used to hate reading, now I love it. I'm a huge Sophie Kinsella fan. The Shopaholic series made me laugh out loud. I am painfully waiting for another book of hers to hit the shelves.
7. I hate the word Divorce, I hate everything about divorce. It disturbs me how people give up on their marriage vows so quickly these days. Even though I am in the process of getting a divorce I hate every single second of it and wish it would have never come to this and wish that I could just stay married forever, not just because I hate divorce but also because I've never loved anyone else so much in my life.
8. I keep everything the kids do at school....even newsletters.
9. I have finally broken my bad habit of watching As The World Turns. If I was out and about and the show was about to start I would drop everything to return home and watch it. I have been clean and sober of consistent soap watching for almost a year now.
10. I am extremely overprotective when it comes to my kids. I love having them close by at all times. I wish I could homeschool them so they didn't have to leave for 6.5 hrs a day. Yet I don't think I'm smart enough to educate my children properly.
11. I love everything about being a mom. I truly do. I love the trials and triumphs, the tears and smiles, the laughter and discipline. I have the greatest kids in the world!!
12. I eventually want to have a career as a councellor. But not until all my children are in school full time and well....after I sort out my own troubles.
13. I am extremely fearful of rejection, even from strangers. I have always felt like I was never good enough and I feel like I constantly let my family down.
14. When i get looked at the wrong way or talked to in an annoyed tone I instantly want to cry.
15. I am scared of dying. I am scared of leaving my children behind. I'm scared of my kids dying and any other family member. I haven't gotten over the death of my grandpa. I don't like the feeling of grieving over the loss of a loved one. I wish people didn't have to die.
16. I love Will Smith, he's like my chocolate fantasy, when I feel sad I will put in one of his movies. He's like my prozac......as well as Ryan Gosling in The Notebook!
17. I love kit kat chocolate bars.
18. I could drink wine ALL day long but I don't.
19. I want to date the bachelor. He's so dreamy. I think once my divorce is final I should be the next C95 bachelorette, I think I need help screening future dates.
20. I love grocery shopping. I never go with a list I like making it up as I go along. It is the place I like to go to for fun. I have trouble keeping my trips short, I could easily spend a couple hours in a Sobeye's or any grocery store for that matter. I love browsing, looking at new products and finding cool things to make for snacks and dinner. I love finding things to cook for my family.
21. I don't like to drive, I love car rides and being the passenger but I hate driving the car myself.
22. My favorite flower is a bluebell. One of the best gifts I ever got was when my Grandma went to Germany and bluebells were in season and she picked some and pressed then and brought them back to me as a souvenier.
23. I think the nintendo wii is one of the coolest things ever invented.
24. I have to make my bed. I wont' go to bed at night until my bed is made, even if I have to make it quick just to unmake it and sleep in it. Weird I know!
25. I love the smell of new shoes, however I rarely buy them