Lately I've been thinking a lot about who I am, who I've become, how I got here, what should and shouldn't I settle for, what I want for my children, and what I want for me and our future.
Sure we can't think too much into the future and we can only control so much on our own. But we do need to be consciously aware that our actions and decisions in life is what helps to pave the path we are on.
Being honest about our deep desires and not allowing oneself to settle is extremely tough. In the meantime we can become vulnerable and question our own feelings which can play tricks on our heart. But that's a part of growing and a part of life.
So who am I, who have I become and how did I get here....
Well I am me, Carissa: a Christian, a woman, a mother, a friend, a daughter and a sister. It's pretty self explainable on how I became a woman, mother, friend, daughter and sister :)) but how I became a Christian and what that means to me. That I haven't really shared.
When I was delinquent youngster I pretty much turned away from Christ, or tried my best to. I grew up with a pretty solid foundation thanks to my parents. I came from a Catholic upbringing, home and school. When I was going through so much trouble I still found myself praying or writing poetry crying out to God asking for Him to save me. But what I didn't realize at the time is that He was saving me I just had to accept him into my heart. I was laying in bed one day and I am not sure why I had the bible on my night table because at that time I could have cared less about the bible. But it was. I heard this voice inside my head saying loudly...read me read me, just do it c'mon.....it was so loud that I actually cupped my hands over my ears to drown it out but it just got louder. So I looked at "the book" placed it in my hands and just opened it. What book did it fall on.....JOB!!
After that I just felt this desire and passion in my heart to rediscover this Lord and the journey led me to a different church than which I was raised in but what I learned was that Christ was still Christ no matter what denomination I was choosing to visit. That it didn't matter what church or what bible I was reading that it was about the personal relationship I was developing in my own time, in my own home and my own heart. The bible yes as important as it is, not just because it's some book but because it holds the teachings, the word of God. His spirit is within the written scripture. We can't see Him standing in front of us but what we do have is His word and when you have faith in your heart it's not about seeing Him or reading about Him it's feeling Him in your heart, mind and soul.
What I discovered along this journey so far is that there is no greater love that fills your heart than His love and that everything else looks a lot more beautiful and there is more meaning to this thing called life. Every step you take is different and brighter because you realize you are walking towards something so great it's hard to describe how great. I feel blessed to be able to follow in my parents footsteps and teach my children about the Lord and Life and Love.
I have also discovered how broken I am.....stronger than I was but still broken, I still need to be healed. I am not perfect, I have made choices in my life that aren't exactly good, I've been vulgar at times and just simply stepped off the path at times. But I try my best, I try! The Lord has blessed me with a lot of ups and downs, and yes even the downs are a blessing because it's a lesson in which we can either do better or do worse and God hopes we do better but He is there to catch us when we fall or hold our hand and walk forward with us.
With that said, the events in my past that I've experienced have really made me think what can I take from all of that and implement it to my decisionmaking nowadays and what am I worth and ready to settle for. I cannot settle for a life without God first. This journey is too incredible!
I love my family life. It's a gift to me in which I treasure everyday. I would love to share that with someone special one day, when the time is right. In the past I settled for mediocre, for the hope to be loved like I love. I thought oh me and the kids will be fine but things backfired. I wasn't valued, and me and the kids were taken for granted. I refuse to settle for that again.
Recently I thought maybe I had found that. There was sweetness and passion. Things I had never experienced before. But it became lost rather quick, lost in a me me me world which reminded me of just what I came out of. I felt disrespected and taken for granted. I had so much to offer but I felt like it wasn't good enough but then I would feel good enough and swept off my feet to only have that change depending on the day. Relationships have taught me that the only way it can simply work is if you are walking hand in hand and in relationship with Christ. To love unselfishly and always think of how you can make that person happy that day and how you can love that person and not demand or expect, but with that said, it needs to come naturally. What I want for my children is to have a mom that is strong and healthy but sensitive and everloving. When I welcome that person into my life I want them to have a role model, a man of absolute love and zest for life and family and love and just gentle in spirit. Someone who is ready and gets it because Lord knows they don't have that in a manly role currently.
What I have realized is that I don't "need" to be loved because I already am but what I want is to find that true love in a man one day, and be loved. I think it will happen, I'm a romantic at heart and a dreamer. But what I know is you can't go lookin for it, it will find you ;) And I hope it find me in my future.....
Wow, I've managed to ramble on quite a bit. I might have to reread and make sure it all makes sense. Oh well, it just felt good to sit in quiet and write what was weighing on my heart.
Till next time......
Blessings from my heart to yours xo