Sunday, November 22, 2009

Blogger Is Back!

I am sitting here on a Sunday morning, children laughing, playing and of course fighting in the background. My heart has been aching to write again. There is something about blogging that is just so therapeutic, public..... yes, personal...... definitely, but...... it's life. Life is not meant to be sheltered or hidden and through blogging in the past I have connected with such amazing and wonderful people and together we are not alone. Not writing the past 6 mths I have felt a bit of emptiness. I have been writing for 3 years now and life has taken a turn in such a beautiful way that I can't help it anymore :))

So where I left off, I was still a married woman - stand up ALL, and give me a WOOT WOOT....well I am now Divorced. I say that with such happiness and relief. Not just because I am free of my ex but I am FREE of the baggage that came with being attached to him, my heart is free of the ache and pain.

When did it start...... well back in July I was invited by my sweet sister friend to her church camp. We were invited every year as a family but it just never happened, this year it was approaching around another empty wedding anniversary and I felt the need and call in my heart to go with the kids. One of the best gifts my friend has ever shared with me (aside from her heart) the spirit flowed that week, touched my heart in ways I never imagined could ever be possible. To try and explain the feeling is beyond what words are capable of but the closest I can think of is the most beautiful, gentle hug that just filled my body with the sense of "I am loved by Him" and I am not alone, I could feel the broken pieces of my heart start to mend right in that moment, it was physically painful yet physically warming, tears flowed and flowed and flowed. I came home from the camp and had the need to move. Start over, start fresh, start NEW! So that's exactly what I did.

I was instantly approved for a mortgage and bought my very first home, moved within a couple weeks. I got rid of some things, and rearranged some old things and the kids and I decided it was time to not have my ex come and go in our home. When he would it felt like this dark cloud suffocating us. Our new house wasn't just a house it became a home a place of stability, love and new found hope and we needed to make sure nothing was going to taint that. Every day we were healing and the pain was disappearing. Sure we were still piecing together issues regarding visitation and new feelings of anger and resentment was starting to boil but, I just let it out, I couldn't hold it in anymore I needed "him" to know just how I felt and feel and just like that I was set free a ;ittle more. I can look at him now and see nothing, he is merely a person, one in which I share children with but it's like any love or hate I felt for that man vanished, I am numb to it and it's absolutely breathtaking.

((....A secret....even my subconscious is free!! Every night from the moment the nightmare started I would have this reoccurring dream. Every night for the first year i would wake up in a state of panic and this sharp pain in my heart it literally felt like someone was ripping my heart in half, no tylenol or advil in my medicine cabinet worked, any medication the doctors would prescribe wouldn't work and the dreams wouldn't stop. I felt like this was my death, I wanted it to end for it to go away and be over. I felt like "he" took everything from me, "she" was helping him, I couldn't stand the pain my kids were dealing with everyday and I was tired of hard it was to just breath. I couldn't even find peace in my sleep how could I find peace when I would wake. Then after everything I wrote about above about starting new and the experience at the camp and just starting over...... the dreams started changing, I could feel myself letting go in my sleep, then it happened......

my last dream .... happened like this.......

"he is crying, begging for forgiveness, professing his love, wanting to come home.. we are in public, he is standing in front of me but I can see through him like he is a ghost, I don't believe it, any of it, I can't have it, I say goodbye and he stands there "exposed" in front of everyone (at tim hortons *giggle*) and everyone is staring and pointing, there must have been 40 people eyeing him down and just like that it was done. I woke up, there was no pain in my heart, I was laughing. So my interpretation, is I finally saw "through" him and so did everyone else.

The dreams are gone, the feelings are gone, the love is gone, the marriage is over.....

Now my heart is learning how to trust again, how to open up again, how to love again. It's a world I'm not used to and I've been away from it for 8 years, it's exciting, it's positively thrilling, it's sensational, and heartwarming. Every once in awhile thoughts and feelings of being unworthy of love and happiness creep in and I get scared and that is the only part of hate that I still have towards "him" Hearing I was not good enough for so long, it's hard to stop those tapes from rolling in my mind but it's getting better, everyday those voices are lowering and the last bit of myself is healing.

My dad always said that famous saying that I didn't quite get until now....

"where one door closes.............. another one opens"

Well it's opened - and it's fricking awesome!!

So this sums it up, where I am...... 6 mths later :)) I couldn't have done it without you, your prayers, your encouragement, love of family and friends and strangers and most of all the Grace of our One and Only!!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

I love you too........

There was a message tonight to post a link to my bestfriends blog, and as I read the words she wrote, I couldn't have wrote it any better myself. It's truth, love and heartache. Thank you for writing with your heart Kristin!!! So if everyone could please click on this link and read the post Kristin wrote about our's beautiful~!.

It's all in the post, The good the bad and the ugly!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

from the inside....out

What my heart has ached this past year is well best worded by the professionals....."traumatic". How can a mind make any sense out of something so horrible? It can't....simply can't. Recently a few more things happened that...well....just shouldn't have. And after going over in my head what could I have done different, the answer is nothing.

I have had ghosts in my life. Ones I have wanted to face for years. And going through this separation with my husband has helped me to find ways to lay certain things to rest. I have struggled with forgiveness and how to go about it and what boundaries I should have and how much trust to give. I wanted nothing more than to do the right thing, and I never thought for one second that the right thing could turn out to be a horrific thing. And really that goes for everything.

I gave my hand, my heart, my body, my love, my life, and my trust to only have it all shattered, rejected, put down, spat on, torn apart and scarred. How dare these men in my life take me for granted and toy around with every bit of my being. To what, gain some satisfaction in their life, to justify the crap they call "good". To try and convince me that I am a nothing, a nobody, a crazy idiot. To try and convince others of such. The line has been crossed for the last time. How dare you make me feel little, how dare you rob me of love, how dare you tear apart something we worked so hard to create. How dare you put the other one in front of your everything, our everything. But you SOB's can have eachother. You will never ever take another piece of me again, you will never take anymore from my children. You and everyone involved in "your world" have a distorted vision of what respect, and love truly is. I want no part anylonger. You can have eachother because I am done.

It has been almost a year since this shit. I am not taking one ounce of this with me another year. I am done. It's disturbing, chaotic shit and they can have that .....I will allow it no longer. I am turning a new leaf and for those of you that know me you will enjoy the newness with me. I am going to move forward and start a clean path to walk on this year. The church and friends and family I have in my life far outweigh the Aholes. My kids and I are starting a new beginning. This new year is going to be beautiful and full of life and togetherness. I have so many fun things planned for this year and I know, I truly hope our family will shine. We have yet another mountain to climb but this time...any so called "mountain goats" get my my way or the way of my children, let hope they are wearing a nut guard because my steel toed boots are ready!!!!!!

I have been dreading this moment. I have dabbled a few times in saying goodbye to the blogger world but now I have no choice, as well as saying goodbye to so many other things as well. I have decided to take my writings and make something of it......

Thank you all who have supported me and my family through this hell.
Blessings from my heart to yours.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Amidst the Chaos

Friday after having a bit of a mental breakdown, bawling after being puked on and pooped on and kids screaming and the dumbness invading my brain from the lack of sleep, well my sweet friend reminded me to stop and pray, pray for God to give me the strength I will need to get through that day. I took Cohen in my arms, layed on the couch and started praying. I literally said "AMEN" and Carter raced down the stairs "Mom, your friend is here" ... "What friend Carter"..."The one with the curly hair". In wonderment I went upstairs as Becca was meeting me half way, "I'm here to help, what can I do".... WHAT??????? SERIOUSLY?????? My grandma called and said she would be able to come in....WHAT?????? An hour later Justin called to lend a hand WHAT??????? Well........was that not a prayer just answered. For all of that and more I am thankful. I feel so blessed to have the help around here that I need, usually when I least expect it. Friends and family, you are wonderful!!!! And for those that are praying You are wonderful!!!!!!!!!

I am sitting here thinking of everything I am thankful for which has minimized the feelings of being overwhelmed.... My top 20!

1) my friends daily reminders to stop, pray and be thankful

2) some loving and encouraging words from my family

3) friends offering to babysit

4) friends just popping on in to help with laundry and dinner and watching the kids so I can nap and take Cohen to the hospital

5) extra help from the kids dad

6)the 45 minute nap that I was able to have

7) the hour long bath in my spa room

8) Icecream :P

9) water/soap combinations to rid the stench of upchuck

10) a great working washer and dryer

11) easy and quick meals

12) a super fast Family Pizza nearby

13) my dustbuster

14) my's so comfy

15) my kids patience

16) leather couches (they wipe so easily)

17) the spring weather so I could open up the windows and air out the house

18) jammies

19) the Bible to give me comfort

20) nintendo ds (brain age 2) to get my mind busy

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Randomness Day

I was surprised I got up and ready as fast as I did this morning. I mean I knew the life insurance dude was coming this morning however past "inhome" appointments I am still in my jammies. Nope not today - and good thing I might add because he showed up dressed in a gentleman's suit and very handsome indeed - so distracted by hit hottness that I was practically feeding Brady's forehead. Same thing happened the other day, I'm at the "center" and I happen to run into "again" this wonderful gentleman and I say gentleman because he is in every sense of the word and I stood there weak in the knees totally melting like jello, even after dancing a little latin chacha you'd think I'd be all cool but nope, I totally felt like a dork. I guess I kinda am a dork surrounded by these extremely good good looking men.

I mean I have been around man friend's and it doesn't phase me but since I've entered the so-called single's world I've become a tad nervous and I'm not normally nervous. But I feel like this : You know when you were in elementary school ... the early early years, and you'd see a cute boy on the playground, look at him - giggle - smile - and run away. That's EXACTLY how I feel. But being a grown woman it looks rather strange and I do just that except not exactly run away :) and on top of it I feel like the words that come out of my mouth sound a little like yogabbagagga babble.

So back to life insurance - One more thing off my to do list.
I have started thinking about the "future" in a realistic sort of way. What happens when the kids decide they want to go to school..... enroll children in RESP's (check)
What happens if I become ill or non-existent in human form (ok dead but I hate that word it just sounds so morbid and not just because it is morbid but it's just an ugly word).... so I made a will and applied for life insurance (double check)
Now before "JS's" next visit to put up a sign on my bathroom door saying "no toasters allowed" ...kidding kidding kidding.

After the meeting was over this morning my parents came by to babysit the kids and I was off to my "hair heaven" Color Bar, to see Sheena. She is just one of the greatest hair stylists around. I will drop any activity or vacation planned to have the chance to SIT in her hair chair. She just knows what you need without you saying it and she never does a bad job, heck she never does a mediocre job... I always enter feeling a bit drab and boring and leave feeling like one hot mamma. So Sheena's treat of the day, back to blonde I go. Blonde is my natural hair color and to help get me back to where I once was and have a fresh look for spring I have a combination of lo-lites and high-lites.

I get home and am lovingly and excitedly greeted at the door by my 4 little munchkins who act like I've been gone on a week long vacation when in all actuality I was gone for a total of one hour and forty five minutes. One of many reasons why I love being a mom. A few moments later my phone rang....My dear sweet neighbour Lou. She is a woman of ageless wonder, late 70's and watching her 4 young grandchildren. We had a nice visit outside watching the children play and then it started to get bitterly cold so we moved inside and had a hot cup of tea and continued our chat. See Lou's husband has been passed now for 2 years. They were married for 50 years and shared 7 children together. She still loves her husband with all her heart. And as she sat across from me and talked about him I just couldn't take my eyes off of her. Her eyes started to get a little watery and red yet she had the biggest smile. I was just captivated by the little things she would mention about him, just ordinary stuff but it seemed so magical. Then she had to go, and I found myself wanting more, as if she was a storyteller ending the day on chapter one, it's just getting good, learning a bit about the characters and the plot and then the book closed ---until next time. I know Lou likes tea and loves to talk so I am sure there will be a next time. That and she said so :)

And that brings us to tonight. It was a busy night like most nights. Tonight the two little ones were a bit of a handful. But a happy little bunch. Brady was so excited to be in the bathtub that be pooped and when I took him out to clean things up he peed, I bathed him a total of 4 times. And Cohen, off the bottle *fingers crossed* hopefully forever. His bottle has been his crutch these past months, kinda like his security blanket. So tonight he asked for milk in a sippy cup and I thought perfect opportunity to see if he is willing to give his bottles to my friends baby Avery. So I got him a big bag, he packed ALL his bottles, nipples and caps and hung it on the mailbox in hopes that Avery's mommy would come pick it up but what he doesn't know is that, that's not happening because they just left for Hawaii... Which reminds me I better bring in the bag of bottles and hide them downstairs. We had one instance tonight where Cohen asked if he could have a bottle, I said he had enough milk and the bottles were all gone to bye bye land. So once this bigboy step is mastered completely we'll be back to potty training. Right now it's starting but we're not overly (stupiess) ------ (wow I just dozed off and that was the last word typed. Where did that come from and what does it mean) Odd!! I guess that's it...I'm pooped, sleep looks good about now, Brady is crashed beside me. I'm outtie!!
till next time xo

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Happy Easter

Easter is about Jesus, dying on the cross to save us from our sins and give us life everlasting. Sure we have chocolate bunny treats galore, toys and gifts, turkey stuffing and mashed potatoes, decorated boiled eggs and springy flowers but what about celebrating the true blessing each one of us has been given..................Life. Taking a moment and thanking God for something so big yet something we take for granted each and every day.

Emily, I am thankful for your true beauty inside and out. I have never met another little girl who has a heart more full of love than yours. I admire your spirit and how it flows from being a child to grownupland but when you hug me you are still my baby girl in every way.

Carter, I am thankful for your imagination, without your stories I would forget what it is like to be a child and I am thankful I am reminded of that innocence each and every day. We are able to dream during the day because of your bright little mind.

Cohen, I am thankful for your humor, your laughter and your sillyness. When I look at you I am reminded of Grandpa Corky and his will to chuckle in every occasion. Your joy is like my sunshine no matter what time of day it is.

My Brady boo, I am thankful for your baby strength. You are so little yet so mighty, you have had the will to live from the moment you entered this world. You are this little ball of love, life and adventure all rolled into one.

Thank you God for my children, when I look at them I see Your truth.
Love, love and more love, from our hearts to yours
Happy Easter

.................. ............. .......... ..... ... .

I did a post and tried importing it, but I am still trying to learn about all the fancy blogger stuff so click on the link and enjoy a mini Easter post.
As well I think I am going to drop the newer blog... I am finding it way too hard to keep up with one blog let alone two blogs. So I am going to continue on with Keep it fresh, keep it real, mommy, me, kids, life laddydah didah stuff :)

Monday, April 13, 2009

A Kit Kat Moment


I just got Brady to sleep, it is almost midnight and I thought what better what to sit and think about what to blog about but by taking a break and enjoying a kit kat bar. Yes I am my own commercial at times but hey, when you spend a lot of time alone or with children this kind of stuff is amusing. Gets me thinking, which I am told I do wayyy too much of.

Guess my thinking is going to have to continue because Brady just woke up as I finished that sentence and Cohen is also waking up. As well I accidentally finished my kit kat bar a LITTLE too fast :S

But here is a sneak peek of what I have been thinking about....forgiveness, stillness and happyness and the power of NESS and love, marriage, cons of the mind and heart and Easter the miracle :)

Before I forget...Happy Easter!!!!

Friday, March 27, 2009

My Climb

For those reading this through facebook click on ...I have some special music that captures my moment and emotion....
Here goes:

I picture the Lord standing beside us humans as we face the mountains in front of us and gently helping us along. Letting us take the climb but providing that fatherly lift when we just can't anymore.

Lord, You know who I am, yet you love me so. You never let me down you. You allowed me to stand in front of you and scream and curse you, yet you placed your hand on my shoulder and kissed my cheek and said "Daughter I love you. Come with me, I can't guarantee you won't hurt and feel broken at times but when you hold my hand, I will walk you through....even if you don't want to at the time I will never leave you"

A child of Christ I am and am becoming. I came from the gutter and I am not perfect, oh not even close. If I share what I am about to share you will know me, all of me and why accepting yet another cross is now ok...because I know it will be ok. You have seen the heartbreak my kids and I have lived through the past 10 mths but here is the last 14 years in a shrunken version. So you ask, how can I smile during times like these, how can I find happiness during times like these...well this is why.... :)

I was a stubborn, hard shelled little girl. One that thought she knew everything but knew nothing. I was picked on and ostrasized and always a follower. Just wanting to belong. And one day I did. To a troubled boy, who took something from me and scarred a part of me that I'm still blacked out from, which led to suicidal attempts, fights with parents, drugs, drinking, smoking, partying, rape, battling eating disorders, held against my will, being kicked out of my home at 15, living on the streets, in friends basements, at the YWCA, at friends homes, in my car, in and out of councelling centers, a taste of juevenile hall, psych ward to detox, dealing drugs, more men, more parties, hurting my siblings, hurting my family, walked out of highschool, got involved with a very unhealthy man, abusive in every way, had a baby, went into hiding, moved to Toronto engaged to another bad news bear, moved back home, didn't make the best choices while being a single parent, then enrolled myself into college to make a difference, met Justin, lost babies, had surgeries, moved around, had babies, married Justin and well the rest of it you know (if not check out the older posts they are available at the side of the blog:)).

I have attempted to destroy this temple God blessed me with, I have allowed people to walk on me, control me and hurt me, I have managed to do it to myself as well. And why? I don't know, I really don't. But from ALL of this I am finding out who I am, and who God is wanting me to be. "Finding" is the key word. It's a journey.....A climb and I'M CLIMBING!!!

To be honest after Justin left me I didn't know who I was supposed to be anymore. I was so hurt that I lost myself. I allowed him to take that away from me, he thought he was mighty enough to take that part of me and destroy it as he did this family. He continues to try and ruin our happiness, day after day. But the difference if from then to now and after everything is I don't give a flying F@#$ He may have destroyed it but I am blessed with REBUILDING it! Pouring so much love and happiness in the home that it doesn't matter what we come by we can still find something to smile, and laugh about. If I could get through all of the shit from my past I am sure I can get through this and I am. I have been doing it all along just not realizing so. Of course there are going to be more mountains to climb, of course there will be times where shit will hit the fan but I say this with certainty......who cares, it will be ok. It is ok. Our life can be taken from us in a second, people can be ripped away from us in a second but in that second we still lived and have been given the gift to live and for that we embrace it. Embrace the beauty and embrace the ugly. Life is a gift, happiness is a choice, love is a blessing. God is forever, so make Him proud.

I gotta be honest though, this has felt like the worst, not just because of how everything went about but because it forced me to relive the past and question my being and remember where I was and how I got here and everytime I felt like I was standing on my feet I was allowing my husband to shove me down to the ground over and over and over and I felt like I was getting now where until one day I woke up. And God was standing there reaching out to me yelling gracefully "c'mon....what are you waiting for" You have it all, you have your children, your family, your friends, YOU HAVE LIFE....and most importantly YOU HAVE ME!!!!!!!!" "Why say you are searching for love and happiness when you are loved and happiness is within, grip it and feel it and honor it".

This has been brewing in my Saved Box for awhile now, finding the right words. I was talking with a friend about blogging, well actually a few and a few fellow bloggers, why do we blog, what's the point, it's so private, why share. So this is why for me anyways............ It's the TRUTH. Look around you and who is scared to say something honest because of how they might look, say ones life is falling apart and they feel so alone no one to reach out to well....this is a good way to know YOU are not alone. There is a reason why I have been given these experiences, and it's not to bottle it up and hide and be ashamed of it...I once was. I used to be so scared of what I lived through and why it's what it, reveal it, share it, show the good, the bad and the ugly. If I am great I'll let you know I'm great...If life is the craps well, hey it's the craps. Tomorrow will be better, heck the next 5 minutes will be better. Sometimes I question myself whether or not I've said to much but also it helps me. It's so therapeutic to just GET IT OUT! It's different than a journal, it stays here, in my home, in my drawer, in my circle. Blogging puts it out there, it helps me get rid of the icky feelings and welcome the freshness.

Just thought I would yeah, thank you again for following my blogs. For helping me, encouraging me, praying for me and my children. We're getting there :)....and it's super cool ;)

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

What's your miracle?

A definition of a "Miracle":

An event that appears inexplicable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural in origin or an act of God: “Miracles are spontaneous, they cannot be summoned, but come of themselves” (Katherine Anne Porter).

We have all different kinds of miracles. You have the BIG ones like giving birth and the little ones that normally aren't considered miracles like getting to the grocery store safely while driving on slippery roads however when you add all the little ones up they actually turn into ONE BIG miracle. I believe something such as overcoming a fear or a broken heart is one because our human flesh has the natural response to stay in a deadend zone but with God things become ever changing and beautiful.

I was so tired of being in a state of brokeness and now I am so thankful for it. I don't wish it to happen ever again but really I don't know who I would be today without it. I love what is becoming, what I'm discovering, learning, achieving physically, emotionally but most of all spiritually.

So I started making a mental list about all the big and little miracles I have been given in my life. Over the past 10 mths we were praying for a miracle,we were praying for life to become a bit easier and it wasn't until I stopped and thought about everything over the last 10mths have I realized we've been given great miracles.
I was given a gift of a cleaning lady, a family photo shoot, kids showing up on my doorstep to shovel for $20, babysitters on call all the time, an amazing school accomodating our busy schedule (seriously what school does that) I love Prince Philip!!!!! Christian councellors and a christian lawyer, friends and some new ones that are all connected somehow, accepting the apology of "the other woman", moms group, meals, gifts to help lessen the errands, awesome doctors that try and speed things up for the kids, a super dentist that gives deals, a health care nurse that checks in all the time, a car dealership that picks my van up free of charge and gives me a loaner whenever my van even needs an oil change, my friends, family and children, and all the sadness and heartache that I'm overcoming. Everything and everyone God has placed in my life has become a miracle to me.

And the biggest realization of all..............................
is that all these miracles add up to the BIG ONE
which is


So I challenge you to sit and reflect on all the little and big things in your life, happening around you and see how content with life you will become.........I know I am :)

A Miracle Part 2

A miracle within the hearts of these children. A special birthday treat for their daddy and a day to remember by each one of them. I am so thankful to have been able to catch this moment and freeze it for the children to remember.

Thursday, March 19, 2009


I have been asked few questions lately one of which was who did we use to be. So I thought why not make a memorial post of just that. We used to be happy, so very happy and I think that is something to be proud of and celebrate. I did love our marriage and I love what we created during our marriage and that's what I am taking with me. Our signature was Ben Harper's "Forever" Speaks the truth. Unfortunately our forever ended a little early and the one last gift he gave to me was to be able to spiritually move forward and find that forever again. ;) I had it once and oooh I'll have it again but BIGGER and BETTER!!
So here is a glimpse of what was Carissa and Justin Seitz!
Not talkin' 'bout a year
no not three or four
I don't want that kind of forever
in my life anymore
forever always seems
to be around when it begins
but forever never seems
to be around when it ends

so give me your forever
please your forever
not a day less will do
from you

People spend so much time

every single day
runnin' 'round all over town
givin' their forever away
but no not me
I won't let my forever roam
and now I hope I can find
my forever a home
so give me your forever
please your forever
not a day less will do
from you

Like a handless clock with numbers

an infinite of time
no not the forever found
only in the mind
forever always seems
to be around when things begin
but forever never seems
to be around when things end
so give me your forever
please your forever
not a day less will do
from you

Monday, March 16, 2009

Dearest Daughter

My daughter Emmy, she is of absolute beauty. All my children are but Em is caring a heavy burden in her heart. I've often wondered what it would be like to be in her shoes. She's strong and mature, helpful and loving, yet sensitive and broken.

She pretends like she has the world figured out and to some degree she does. She's had to grow up so fast and it hasn't been fair. But she takes it. And as tough as it is for her to remember her role as being a 10 year old little girl it does get lost in the shuffle of a household of 3 little boys and a single mom.

She is facing such competition between her brothers and her father. I wish he could see just how precious this time is and try and understand what is aching in her heart. Instead it gets dismissed and she gets put back into her place. Standing there feeling more lost and unsure of who she is and who she is supposed to be. Before and after her dad left he put so much devastation in her world and didn't help teach her how to cope, she was just supposed to know that adults are adults and she just has to deal with it. But at 10 how can you. The preteen years where you look at your father like they are your everything, so much admiration. As every age is precious this age is fragile. They are coming into their own and it's so important to make sure we act as we teach for when they enter into the world in a more grown up manner our behaviour hopefully reflects their behaviour. Of course they will pave their own pathway and make there own choices but it's the roots, and firmly grounding those roots for something to think on and fall back on. We were on the road to planting those roots and then they were cut right off from underneath her feet. So I am trying to replant them and every monday, thursday and every second saturday they get cut back a little more. And we have to work that much harder at fixing it but at least it's a positive step.

I think the hardest part about being a parent is being unable to fix "everything". Especially a broken heart. When change is staring at you right in the face but is unwilling it makes being that single parent that much harder and there left is that broken heart.

What am I leaning on to help walk my daughter through this is constant reassurance. Love, faith, patience, perserverance, hope and believing. And knowing. Knowing that only we can bring ourselves the happiness our heart needs to thrive and live by God and God alone. To respect her parents but to follow what she knows is right (hopefully I can continue to overshadow the not so right especially right now) and to love the ability of being able to choose her way and honor it. To pray in times of distress and when she gets that icky feeling in her tummy, to pray in times of contentness and happiness. To trust and believe that even though her earthly father has let her down her heavenly father NEVER will and is right there beside her holding her hand and wiping her tears and smiling at her every step of her way.

I think of years and how many years are actually "left" to make a difference. I only have 2 summers before she's a teen....5.5 years before she will drive and 7 years of summers before she is either graduated or off to college. I hope she stays home for awhile but the point is, 10 years have already passed right by and doing damage control in only a couple years is somethin else.

If I could please ask for prayer for her heart. For her to feel loved and trusted and for her to trust and love herself. For her to lean on her heavenly father while her earthly father isn't emotionally there and for that dad to become the dad this little girl really needs. Amen!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

It's Up...

I'll still post on this site as well...hopefully I can keep up :)

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Proverbs 4:23

"Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life."
This verse has brought so much light to my mind and has really made me think and think and think some more........
After reflecting over what's happened the past 9mths, I have come to such a state of contentness and peace and love. Instead of dwelling over the cards I've been dealt I've decided to play the hand I've been given to the best of my ability. I'm so happy, so excited and just ready. More ready than I have ever been. I have the rest of my life ahead of me the lives of 4 beautiful children. My actions need to reflect goodness and goodness is what they will learn and how they will expect to be treated and how they will be expected to treat others, I deserve no less and nor do they.
I'm not looking back, I'm moving forward. I've needed to take the past few weeks and really question myself and my plan for my family and I'm so thrilled I did. I have just really truly and graciously accepted this cross. If the Lord was standing in front of me now asking me what my next step is going to be, will I take this as a burden and fall or will I take it as a gift and stand. Well I have accepted it as a gift and I would not be the person I am today if none of this happened. I've found myself again and I've also been able to really enjoy life amidst all the chaos. I've started to read more, spend more quality time with my kids and my friends and family, I've started painting again (when there is time), cooking and enjoying some wine and writing and recently I was reminded of what it was like to dance again, Oh how I've missed the chacha, and I plan to do more of it!!!!! I have always wanted to dance in the rain, so since spring is approaching I'm going to practice and the first warm rain we have I'll be the "presumed crazy lady" dancing on the streets of Preston Ave ;)
As well I have started a new's not quite up yet but will be soon. It's to celebrate being a mom and to share the wonders of having 4 children and just us, our new life.
Hopefully I will have it up and running soon!!
Thank you again for reading and sharing this journey with me.
Blessings to you all,

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

My Vacation...

Ok so maybe at this point in my life taking a holiday outside of my home is a little much... however I was able to pack up my emotions and take a bit of a spiritual vacation. Just like any vacation it had it's moments, more towards the end...a few bumps here and there but for the most part it was lovely.

I was able to finally finish reading The Shack. I recommend it to anyone who hasn't read it yet. But a few key things, Pray before you read it and while you read it. It is a FICTIONAL novel and it can confuse or distort somethings. However I found it helped me reflect on love, life, and forgiveness (the biggest part in the book for me I'd say). Especially with what's been going on in my life. But like any book that has anything to do about the goodness and grace of God, one has to be careful as to not idolize the book, follow the readings as if it's the only truth because....well.....there is only one book for that. So yeah, some things were waaayyy out there and somethings were so graciously written. An interesting read if anything.... I am interested in hearing from anyone else that has read it and what your opinion is.

Another sweet discovery was coming across Matthew 6:26-27 ...with my friend Kristin.

".......Look at the birds! They don't worry about what to eat-they don't need to sow or reap or store up food - for your heavenly father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to Him than they are. Will all your worries add a single moment to your life?"

A reflection I"m going to end with..... :)

Monday, February 16, 2009

This Cross

Have you ever had someone stand in front of you and the words you were hearing come from their mouth was like someone standing there with a knife just cutting you over and over.

Once again the week of "interest" has diminished....the week of "respect" is gone. Out the window. I try to move forward and bring happiness into my life and home and immediately he tries to take that away. Using his own guilt to manipulate the situation to concoct some schema to turn the tables and try and put the blame where it doesn't belong.

Tonight both kids finally caught him in the act of lying and called him on it. But supposedly I am pitting them against him. If only we could transform outselves into little flies on the walls. I would offer him the first chance to be on ours. Because I love my kids and because I want to protect my kids I shelter a lot of what's happened from them. I don't want them to know everything, nor should they, they are too little. They know minor details and even that I feel horrible for but in no way am I out to make him look bad in front of these children. He does a perfectly fine job doing that himself. When I try and cover his rear I am now filling the shoes of the liar. Don't worry daddy loves you so much and he misses you so much... I get "ya right if he loved us he would be here, if he missed us he would be here, if he loved our family he would be with you and he would love you and us like he used to. " In most situations it's like the husband left the wife. In this case the husband left the wife and the family. I know he loves these kids however the way he shows he loves and cares is just nonexistent. The true interest is nothing. Yet it's my fault...all my fault.

WHY....why do I let this bother me so friggin much? Well that's where I have a huge fault. I care, I care about what other peoples perception is of me. I don't like to be called a liar or a manipulator or and I feel the need to clear any misconception up asap. I guess that's where I've become just way too open and honest. I hate secrets....I hate lies. I will explain myself till I"m blue in the face to fix misunderstandings. I hate that he calls me a liar, that he says such mean things about me because that's not who I am. And I feel after 8 mths of this and being with him for 7 years that if anything I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

I keep trying to tell myself (and I'm going to reread this sentence over and over until I get it tonight)... He walked out on a beautiful marriage, wife and 4 children, one in which he doesn't know very well. I have my children, I am left with my sweet kids and he can't take our love away from us. If it's not good enough for him and he thinks this lifestyle is the way to be then so be it. She can have him....but hopefully leave us alone!!!!.....and soon!

Again I'm trying to accept this cross and bear it, I truly am but every day it takes so much effort to not just throw in the towel. It's a true test of faith.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

The Name Meme

1.YOUR REAL NAME: Carissa Lyn (McNaught) Seitz

2.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother and fathers middle names) Rose Dean

3.NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother’s dad, father’s dad) Ronald Elwood

4.STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name) Seica

5.DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) Pink Elephant

6.SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, town where you were born) Lyn Saskatoon

7.SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add “THE” to the beginning)The Blue Shirley Temple

8.FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name) Case

9.STREET NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie) Mint Chip Digestive

10 ROCK STAR NAME (pet’s name and street where you live) Stanley Preston

11. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on) Sally Airport (??) Shailey Guelph

12.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle) Carizzle

13.YOUR IRAQI.. NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first two letters of your middle name, last two letters of your first name then last three letters of your last name) Ailysaitz

14.YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets) Black Sadie

15. STRIPPER NAME: (name of favorite perfume and candy)MK Romantic Skittles

Friday, February 13, 2009

The river was high and I was blind


Jesus is helping me see and making me feel like I can walk on water


I'm not perfect nor will I pretend to be, however I am determined and motivated. My mom said something to me the other day that really struck a is just passing us by. It is....quickly. Before I know it my kids will be all grown up and moved out and I don't want to look back and see how we spent all our time grieving over the loss of some man/father that has no feelings towards us anyways. So why should we. Does it still hurt, yes, it doesn't go away real fast however one learns to cope better and heal. I want to be happy and sha re that happiness, I want to be loved and love and I want to exist. I have learned happiness does not come from another man, I have become very content with my own time and life and knowing that I can manage perfectly fine on my own with 4 children. However it would be lovely to share life with day. For now I know that I am ready. I am ready to move on and take the steps to finally put an end to this madness. My Valentine's gift to myself. I feel so sure and strong as to what I need and want to do. As long as I am I am sure my kids will soon follow. As I believe it's time to let our heavenly father have full control at being the parent, the ultimate provider. More of me letting go of any control over the situation I thought I had and realize I have none. And it's a good feeling to know that I don't and to be honest I'm so excited. The past few days I feel so ready and excited, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. And ya....... it's a woohoo moment :)

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Heaven's Mailbox

Awhile ago I started a little thing with my kids to help them feel comfortable with their feelings. They have been struggling with their beliefs in God and who and what is this person we call God. Doesn't seem like he loves us too much or he'd make our daddy come home. Breaks my heart. I tell them, it's not because God is making daddy do this, it's a choice daddy has made and only he can listen to God and change it. So we started writing down our prayers on papers and we slip them into a decorated shoebox we call....."Heaven's Mailbox". In hopes that if we took the feelings from our heart and placed them on paper and mailed them to heaven maybe just maybe one will get answered. Please help me send these prayers up to the heaven's for them. If anything....a little happiness.

Carter..."Dear God, I am sad and I am mad..Amen"
Emily...."Dear God, please help me to get along with my brother. Please help keep us safe during the day and night. Please help my daddy come back home, we miss him and love him. Give him more baby steps toward us. Amen...Emily"
Cohen...."Cohen miss daddy, where daddy go"

I wish I could answer these prayers for them. To stop the hurt. It tears me up inside to hear my kids say they don't feel like they are loved. They talk about how they miss the good days, the days their daddy was home and how sad they are that he isn't here anymore. How much we all miss the good times. But those times are gone and according to Justin, they are gone forever. Too bad, it would have made a wonderful story of a man finding his way back home....the prodigal husband, the human being. But it's not like that. Everyday I have to look at my kids, see their hurt and try not to cry and tell them don't worry everything will be ok, we are still a family and mommy will do her best always. But as hard as they's not good enough.

Kids do not deserve this. Divorce is such a selfish selfish act. I dont' care what the circumstance, marriage should be of great importance, it's a committment, it's a privilege, a reminder that we are to reflect God's love to the other human being...remind them everyday by acting the way God would act. In love! But nope, very seldom is it like that. Which is Horsedung if you ask me. Who suffers, the one left broken hearted and the children. All a child wants is for happy parents, loving parents and a good life. Sure everyone is going to have their own type of pain however as parents we shouldn't go about and deliberately create it. We are supposed to protect them not expose them. Teach them strength, courage, determination, love, compassion, , and committment
How can you teach them strength when you are weak, courage when you're a coward, determination when you give up, love when you hate, compassion when you don't feel, and committment............ when you divorce.

Saturday, February 07, 2009


Oh I have to clarify.....#19....I don't want to date the C95 Bachelor....he's is my cousin...that is gross. I want to date the TV bachelor haha, the cute single dad, yum. I am crazily addicted to that Monday night show. I hate missing a single second of the episodes :)

Friday, February 06, 2009


I really should be sleeping right now but I had a coffee thinking I was going to be up all night again with Brady....he's sleeping :)...and I'm on a caffeine high.

My kids have been so sick lately. For over a week my 3 boys were sick at the same time, then Carter got better and Cohen got worse, then Cohen got better and Brady got worse and Brady has stayed sick. I finally took him into the Ped's ER and found out, the little guy does not have asthma he has Bronchopulminary Dysplaysia due to his immature lungs at birth. He also has bronchiolitis and croup both of which are viral and can't be treated with antibiotics. So lots and lots of love and cuddles and hopefully soon...we'll start seeing some improvement so he can have a break. However with BPD he's likely to get sick quite often. We'll be meeting with a pediatrician and I'm looking at a homeopath and naturopath doctor as well. Cohen has had back to back ear infections so he'll also be seeing a specialist to see if he needs tubes in his ears. I am hoping he gets them sooner than later so that this chronic ear infection thing stops and he can also have some rest.

It's made for a very exhausting, emotional rollercoaster month. I have been so tired but I won't begin to complain as I've stayed healthy and I feel so bad for my kids. The healthy ones get less attention because the sick ones just need so much and being one it's hard to dish out equal mommy time. So I look forward to everyone getting healthier so we can get back on track and have some fun and get out of this house................hopefully *fingers crossed*!!!!!!!!!

The past few days, things have started to turn around. I have been able to have Justin around the house for a little extra help. I'm not sure what happened but for the first time in 8 mths I could see a sincere interest in being there for our children. It's a glimpse of the man that he once was. I am afraid of getting my hopes up that this is going to last but for my kids I want them to experience it while it is existing. As hard as it is for me to have my husband around (because of that... he is still my husband....... yet he won't be for much longer:( ) it's what my kids need.

I have been contemplating whether or not to take down the it the right thing or the wrong thing to do, to publicly journal the truths of my life. And then I realized that that's just it. It's my life, I"m not out to bash Justin whatsoever, just to share what is going on with me and my heart and my family and Justin has played a huge role in the current situation. I'm not out to try and destroy him, I dont' want to make him out to be a horrible man. He's human, a man who has made mistakes. I am not perfect and I have made some terrible choices in my life as well. I wouldn't blog about this stuff if I didn't care so much and love so deeply. I have struggled to find ways to cope with all of this when I"m not in therapy and when my kids go to bed and I"m alone thinking...thinking...thinking.. And blogging has helped so much, to get it out, to make it feel less real, to have the support and prayer from my readers and to just reflect and to learn to be comfortable with the place I am in. That's what this blog is for. I am sorry if ever I offend anyone by sharing what is going on or that I'm doing it for some kind of revenge. Not at all. To be honest I hope that this good co-parenting relationship Justin and I have had the past few days will continue and that I will be able to share all the good things that can come of that. He is a man I loved and still love and he has needed just as much if not more prayer than me. Sometimes I might seem harsh or speak negative about what's going on with him but I wanted to just make it clear that I'm not out to "ruin" anyone. Just trying to find my way............... :)

On that baby is awake.
I will be back as I'm going to try and do this 25 Random Things that everyone is doing. ....unless the caffeine high dies down!!!!

Thursday, February 05, 2009

25 Random Things About Me

A Facebook thing:

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you

1. I'm a night owl. I wish I could go to sleep early and wake up early and enjoy it but I don't. I wish I slept, but I don't.

2. I have to eat my munchies in three different parts. First comes the salty snack, then the chocolate and then the gummies. It almost always has to be in that order. I can't just eat something salty and then not eat chocolate or will literally stress me out.

3. I miss BC and wish I still lived there. I love Saskatoon but it has always brought our family bad luck. I especially miss Naramata, I love it there and one day I hope to move back.

4. I talk to God all day. Every thought I have is a prayer, it's just become so natural over the last few years. I love this spiritual journey I'm on yet it frustrates me at the same time.

5. I'm not afraid to share or talk about anything pertaining to my life. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a more private person but it just doesn't seem to work out that way.

6. I used to hate reading, now I love it. I'm a huge Sophie Kinsella fan. The Shopaholic series made me laugh out loud. I am painfully waiting for another book of hers to hit the shelves.

7. I hate the word Divorce, I hate everything about divorce. It disturbs me how people give up on their marriage vows so quickly these days. Even though I am in the process of getting a divorce I hate every single second of it and wish it would have never come to this and wish that I could just stay married forever, not just because I hate divorce but also because I've never loved anyone else so much in my life.

8. I keep everything the kids do at school....even newsletters.

9. I have finally broken my bad habit of watching As The World Turns. If I was out and about and the show was about to start I would drop everything to return home and watch it. I have been clean and sober of consistent soap watching for almost a year now.

10. I am extremely overprotective when it comes to my kids. I love having them close by at all times. I wish I could homeschool them so they didn't have to leave for 6.5 hrs a day. Yet I don't think I'm smart enough to educate my children properly.

11. I love everything about being a mom. I truly do. I love the trials and triumphs, the tears and smiles, the laughter and discipline. I have the greatest kids in the world!!

12. I eventually want to have a career as a councellor. But not until all my children are in school full time and well....after I sort out my own troubles.

13. I am extremely fearful of rejection, even from strangers. I have always felt like I was never good enough and I feel like I constantly let my family down.

14. When i get looked at the wrong way or talked to in an annoyed tone I instantly want to cry.

15. I am scared of dying. I am scared of leaving my children behind. I'm scared of my kids dying and any other family member. I haven't gotten over the death of my grandpa. I don't like the feeling of grieving over the loss of a loved one. I wish people didn't have to die.

16. I love Will Smith, he's like my chocolate fantasy, when I feel sad I will put in one of his movies. He's like my well as Ryan Gosling in The Notebook!

17. I love kit kat chocolate bars.

18. I could drink wine ALL day long but I don't.

19. I want to date the bachelor. He's so dreamy. I think once my divorce is final I should be the next C95 bachelorette, I think I need help screening future dates.

20. I love grocery shopping. I never go with a list I like making it up as I go along. It is the place I like to go to for fun. I have trouble keeping my trips short, I could easily spend a couple hours in a Sobeye's or any grocery store for that matter. I love browsing, looking at new products and finding cool things to make for snacks and dinner. I love finding things to cook for my family.

21. I don't like to drive, I love car rides and being the passenger but I hate driving the car myself.

22. My favorite flower is a bluebell. One of the best gifts I ever got was when my Grandma went to Germany and bluebells were in season and she picked some and pressed then and brought them back to me as a souvenier.

23. I think the nintendo wii is one of the coolest things ever invented.

24. I have to make my bed. I wont' go to bed at night until my bed is made, even if I have to make it quick just to unmake it and sleep in it. Weird I know!

25. I love the smell of new shoes, however I rarely buy them

Saturday, January 24, 2009

i'm trying..............

to just be!

I wish it were easy. Oh how I pray everyday for the strength, the peace, the guidance, comfort and love and the will to just let it all go and trust in Him, the only One that can and will and do.

I have been trying to just be. To be ok with where I am. To know that I am loved to know that I am accepted and my children, by friends, by family, and by the Lord. What I am trying to understand is Why and How does it hurt so much to know is how I let one man, one Justin Seitz bother me so much. I feel like after what he has done and what he continues to do I should not even want his name to cross my mind but it crosses it and I feel my heart break each time.

It all still seems so surreal, like this is all just a bad dream. A dream I want to wake up from and not ever go back to. But in reality it's when I dream that I have a break from it all. When I wake up it's still there. I was searching for answers, truths and now that I have them in one way it's been so helpful, a step forward that I was able to take in the healing process but also a step back with more questions of why and how. How could a man I loved so much and trusted with my everything, that was my best friend, how could he trick me so easily. How can he continue to lie and treat me with such distaste and hatred. How can he forget his children the way he does. How can he talk about me like I'm some kind of troll, when he said he loved me so much and we were so happy, why wouldn't he be proud of that and honor that and not walk around talking trash. How? Why? To justify his behaviour, to feed his narcissism, to make himself feel like he's doing right. To trick more women, does he get a kick out of hurting others, is it a game, is it fun to make someone feel like they are nothing. After he ended things with the last woman I was really hoping that that would be it, but nope. Who knows how many others there have been but what I do know is that there is one. One woman. I don't know if what I did was right but impulsively I caved. When I heard who she was I emailed this woman thinking maybe if I approach her in a way of concern (which I am) that hearing from another woman would open her eyes and she would start to see Justin for who he is. But nope....I think instead it pushed them closer together. Then I realized I can't reach her, no one but God can redirect this situation. No email in the world. See when there is another woman in Justin's life he can't focus on anything but that. It doesn't matter that he has 4 children or what those children are doing or feeling. It makes me sad, sad for them, angry and frustrated that I just have to sit and be quiet. I have tried to dish out some sarcasm, finally trying to reach him at one point because he seems to listen to sarcasm but even that didn't matter. So now I say nothing. I do nothing.

I want so much for all of this to go away. I want to be over this and to move on and to give my kids my utmost happiness and enjoyment and not have this crap in the back of my mind all the time. I hate moments like this where I feel completely overwhelmed with thought he's out there thinking he's got it all, when really all he has is job and this woman. When in all reality and what I need to focus more on is that that's nothing. Jobs come and go and the flavor of the week always changes. What I've come to realize even when my kids are sick and we're running around to appointment after appointment, struggling with dishing out medicines or discipline, sleepless nights, diaper change after diaper change, attitudes, tears, sibling fights, toys to pick up, up early, up late, more messes to clean up, laundry piling these are joys...things I GET TO DO!!!!! And I am loving every second of it even when I'm stressed to the max because I am here....I am here everyday and I have been given the gift and the chance to have my children all to myself. I wouldn't change places with Justin in a heartbeat. Aside from those little things, I get so many I love you's that I can't keep track, smile after smile, hugs, kisses, stories, playtime, pictures, cuddles in movies, more hugs, I get to teach them right from wrong, help them be somebody, kiss their booboo's, wipe their tears, brush their teeth and their hair, buy them treats and toys and watch them light up, eat dinner with them, pray with them, see their excitement, meet their friends, have snacks with them, tend to their every need, nurse them back to health, experience their everythings and that is the biggest blessing out of this whole mess. I get to be a mommy and I get to be loved every second of every day by these precious little people. They make me excited for where I need to be a minute from now. I want these thoughts to be my every thought, nomore of this foolish foolish ungreatful person. No more trying to convince him of what he's missing out on because he doesn't give a hoot anyways with every breath and every once of love I waste on that man, is a breath I just wasted for myself and my kids. Time to put it back where it belongs, give my kids that little extra bit of me!!!

I started writing this post feeling low and now as I finish off I'm realizing just what I need to be thinking about at this very moment. To my readers, thank you. Thank you for allowing this to be a safe place for me to vent and share especially when I have these moments of highs and lows. Hopefully my stories and my feelings will be of more happy joyful things and no more sadness. Still my goal for 2009.....good thing it's only January. I have a lot of time to make sure this year rocks!!!
Blessings..... ;0)

Monday, January 12, 2009


No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
- Abraham Lincoln

I think that quote sums up exactly how I feel.