to just be!
I wish it were easy. Oh how I pray everyday for the strength, the peace, the guidance, comfort and love and the will to just let it all go and trust in Him, the only One that can and will and do.
I have been trying to just be. To be ok with where I am. To know that I am loved to know that I am accepted and respected...by my children, by friends, by family, and by the Lord. What I am trying to understand is Why and How does it hurt so much to know is how I let one man, one Justin Seitz bother me so much. I feel like after what he has done and what he continues to do I should not even want his name to cross my mind but it crosses it and I feel my heart break each time.
It all still seems so surreal, like this is all just a bad dream. A dream I want to wake up from and not ever go back to. But in reality it's when I dream that I have a break from it all. When I wake up it's still there. I was searching for answers, truths and now that I have them in one way it's been so helpful, a step forward that I was able to take in the healing process but also a step back with more questions of why and how. How could a man I loved so much and trusted with my everything, that was my best friend, how could he trick me so easily. How can he continue to lie and treat me with such distaste and hatred. How can he forget his children the way he does. How can he talk about me like I'm some kind of troll, when he said he loved me so much and we were so happy, why wouldn't he be proud of that and honor that and not walk around talking trash. How? Why? To justify his behaviour, to feed his narcissism, to make himself feel like he's doing right. To trick more women, does he get a kick out of hurting others, is it a game, is it fun to make someone feel like they are nothing. After he ended things with the last woman I was really hoping that that would be it, but nope. Who knows how many others there have been but what I do know is that there is one. One woman. I don't know if what I did was right but impulsively I caved. When I heard who she was I emailed this woman thinking maybe if I approach her in a way of concern (which I am) that hearing from another woman would open her eyes and she would start to see Justin for who he is. But nope....I think instead it pushed them closer together. Then I realized I can't reach her, no one but God can redirect this situation. No email in the world. See when there is another woman in Justin's life he can't focus on anything but that. It doesn't matter that he has 4 children or what those children are doing or feeling. It makes me sad, sad for them, angry and frustrated that I just have to sit and be quiet. I have tried to dish out some sarcasm, finally trying to reach him at one point because he seems to listen to sarcasm but even that didn't matter. So now I say nothing. I do nothing.
I want so much for all of this to go away. I want to be over this and to move on and to give my kids my utmost happiness and enjoyment and not have this crap in the back of my mind all the time. I hate moments like this where I feel completely overwhelmed with thought he's out there thinking he's got it all, when really all he has is job and this woman. When in all reality and what I need to focus more on is that that's nothing. Jobs come and go and the flavor of the week always changes. What I've come to realize even when my kids are sick and we're running around to appointment after appointment, struggling with dishing out medicines or discipline, sleepless nights, diaper change after diaper change, attitudes, tears, sibling fights, toys to pick up, up early, up late, more messes to clean up, laundry piling these are joys...things I GET TO DO!!!!! And I am loving every second of it even when I'm stressed to the max because I am here....I am here everyday and I have been given the gift and the chance to have my children all to myself. I wouldn't change places with Justin in a heartbeat. Aside from those little things, I get so many I love you's that I can't keep track, smile after smile, hugs, kisses, stories, playtime, pictures, cuddles in movies, more hugs, I get to teach them right from wrong, help them be somebody, kiss their booboo's, wipe their tears, brush their teeth and their hair, buy them treats and toys and watch them light up, eat dinner with them, pray with them, see their excitement, meet their friends, have snacks with them, tend to their every need, nurse them back to health, experience their everythings and that is the biggest blessing out of this whole mess. I get to be a mommy and I get to be loved every second of every day by these precious little people. They make me excited for where I need to be a minute from now. I want these thoughts to be my every thought, nomore of this foolish foolish ungreatful person. No more trying to convince him of what he's missing out on because he doesn't give a hoot anyways with every breath and every once of love I waste on that man, is a breath I just wasted for myself and my kids. Time to put it back where it belongs, give my kids that little extra bit of me!!!
I started writing this post feeling low and now as I finish off I'm realizing just what I need to be thinking about at this very moment. To my readers, thank you. Thank you for allowing this to be a safe place for me to vent and share especially when I have these moments of highs and lows. Hopefully my stories and my feelings will be of more happy joyful things and no more sadness. Still my goal for 2009.....good thing it's only January. I have a lot of time to make sure this year rocks!!!