Sunday, November 22, 2009

Blogger Is Back!

I am sitting here on a Sunday morning, children laughing, playing and of course fighting in the background. My heart has been aching to write again. There is something about blogging that is just so therapeutic, public..... yes, personal...... definitely, but...... it's life. Life is not meant to be sheltered or hidden and through blogging in the past I have connected with such amazing and wonderful people and together we are not alone. Not writing the past 6 mths I have felt a bit of emptiness. I have been writing for 3 years now and life has taken a turn in such a beautiful way that I can't help it anymore :))

So where I left off, I was still a married woman - stand up ALL, and give me a WOOT WOOT....well I am now Divorced. I say that with such happiness and relief. Not just because I am free of my ex but I am FREE of the baggage that came with being attached to him, my heart is free of the ache and pain.

When did it start...... well back in July I was invited by my sweet sister friend to her church camp. We were invited every year as a family but it just never happened, this year it was approaching around another empty wedding anniversary and I felt the need and call in my heart to go with the kids. One of the best gifts my friend has ever shared with me (aside from her heart) the spirit flowed that week, touched my heart in ways I never imagined could ever be possible. To try and explain the feeling is beyond what words are capable of but the closest I can think of is the most beautiful, gentle hug that just filled my body with the sense of "I am loved by Him" and I am not alone, I could feel the broken pieces of my heart start to mend right in that moment, it was physically painful yet physically warming, tears flowed and flowed and flowed. I came home from the camp and had the need to move. Start over, start fresh, start NEW! So that's exactly what I did.

I was instantly approved for a mortgage and bought my very first home, moved within a couple weeks. I got rid of some things, and rearranged some old things and the kids and I decided it was time to not have my ex come and go in our home. When he would it felt like this dark cloud suffocating us. Our new house wasn't just a house it became a home a place of stability, love and new found hope and we needed to make sure nothing was going to taint that. Every day we were healing and the pain was disappearing. Sure we were still piecing together issues regarding visitation and new feelings of anger and resentment was starting to boil but, I just let it out, I couldn't hold it in anymore I needed "him" to know just how I felt and feel and just like that I was set free a ;ittle more. I can look at him now and see nothing, he is merely a person, one in which I share children with but it's like any love or hate I felt for that man vanished, I am numb to it and it's absolutely breathtaking.

((....A secret....even my subconscious is free!! Every night from the moment the nightmare started I would have this reoccurring dream. Every night for the first year i would wake up in a state of panic and this sharp pain in my heart it literally felt like someone was ripping my heart in half, no tylenol or advil in my medicine cabinet worked, any medication the doctors would prescribe wouldn't work and the dreams wouldn't stop. I felt like this was my death, I wanted it to end for it to go away and be over. I felt like "he" took everything from me, "she" was helping him, I couldn't stand the pain my kids were dealing with everyday and I was tired of hard it was to just breath. I couldn't even find peace in my sleep how could I find peace when I would wake. Then after everything I wrote about above about starting new and the experience at the camp and just starting over...... the dreams started changing, I could feel myself letting go in my sleep, then it happened......

my last dream .... happened like this.......

"he is crying, begging for forgiveness, professing his love, wanting to come home.. we are in public, he is standing in front of me but I can see through him like he is a ghost, I don't believe it, any of it, I can't have it, I say goodbye and he stands there "exposed" in front of everyone (at tim hortons *giggle*) and everyone is staring and pointing, there must have been 40 people eyeing him down and just like that it was done. I woke up, there was no pain in my heart, I was laughing. So my interpretation, is I finally saw "through" him and so did everyone else.

The dreams are gone, the feelings are gone, the love is gone, the marriage is over.....

Now my heart is learning how to trust again, how to open up again, how to love again. It's a world I'm not used to and I've been away from it for 8 years, it's exciting, it's positively thrilling, it's sensational, and heartwarming. Every once in awhile thoughts and feelings of being unworthy of love and happiness creep in and I get scared and that is the only part of hate that I still have towards "him" Hearing I was not good enough for so long, it's hard to stop those tapes from rolling in my mind but it's getting better, everyday those voices are lowering and the last bit of myself is healing.

My dad always said that famous saying that I didn't quite get until now....

"where one door closes.............. another one opens"

Well it's opened - and it's fricking awesome!!

So this sums it up, where I am...... 6 mths later :)) I couldn't have done it without you, your prayers, your encouragement, love of family and friends and strangers and most of all the Grace of our One and Only!!