Monday, December 06, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
As of late I was asked this by a few people...
"How is it that you are still alive and not hold so much hate or bitterness towards the world?"
Thinking of the answer, my entire life flashed before my very eyes.
I wasn't able to answer the question on the spot. I needed to reflect on how to answer it because it came to me so powerfully, my throat closing in and my chest getting heavy and my eyes starting to swell, I decided to share it on my blog and with this special song attached.
For some reason.....God chose to save me.
HE SAVED ME!
In all the times I was faced with darkness he never let go of my hand, He pulled me out of my death and He saved me!
If what I witnessed was death and what I saw when my eyes were opened was life than why shouldn't I see anything but beauty and hope. The world is full of love and song and dance and he breathed the breath of life back into me, so in order for me to show gratitude and appreciation for being lifted up from the grave that was ready for me I need to be thankful and live as best as I can and be thankful for every moment because I am here.
I am not perfect, I am not always making the right choices, I still have trouble with some hurt but I accept that I need to walk through the fire and I do it wearing His suit of armor. I know I will fumble, stumble and fall and in those moments I am reminded why I am here and what I need to do to get back up again and that in every one of those moments there is a lesson and something good will come from it.
The words on a blog, the song of "never let go" on repeat...is weighing intensely yet delicately on my heart. Coming to this realization is so powerful in my world of thought and emotion I could use a warm bath and a glass of wine right about now... And that's exactly what I'm gonna do :)
Thursday, October 28, 2010
I didn't realize that gluten in my makeup and soaps would cause a problem. Boy was I wrong. I should have guessed after how sensitve I am with food and still having far too many reactions after being on a strict food diet...why oh why were things not improving.... Well, there was gluten in EVERYTHING else I was putting on my body and it was seeping into my pores. Makes sense! So all my products were instantly trashed and I was on the hunt for new GFree items.
Here are some I've found so far and I'm quite happy with.
Shampoo, Conditioner and Body Wash are from Desert Essence. I found these products at Skin Deep on 2nd Ave.
As for make up these are the new products that have landed themselves in my beauty bag :) All I've ever needed was foundation, mascara, blush and a gloss. These items are a little more expensive than what I"m used to however it's worth not feeling sick afterwards!
Lip Gloss is from Burt's Bee's My Favorite is Guava....it's pretty!!
The only other 3 must have's foundation, blush and mascara are all from Mary Kay. A friend of mine is a consultant and she checked with the head researcher of the company to make sure the products were safe for a Celiac. After using them for a few days I've noticed they last longer on my face, I'm not breaking out, my skin is left feeling fresh and I don't have to reapply at all. Phewf... because I"m not much of a make up girl to begin with so the less I have to do with it the better.
Hope this helps a little and as I find new Gfree products I'll post them.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I don't turn my furnace on when it gets a little chilly in the house, I preheat my oven to 350 and start creating magic in the kitchen. Nothing better than some nice warm soul food!!
Here are a couple delicious gluten free/vegan recipes...
I have to double up on this recipe. A single batch lasts less than 24hrs.
1/2c tapioca flour
1/2c chickpea flour
1/2c brown rice flour
3tbsp milled flaxseed
1tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp himalayen salt
1c pumpkin puree
1/2 vegetable oil
2tsp egg replacer mixed with 4tbsp water
Fill up your muffin cups and bake at 350 for approx 20 mins. My oven is a little less because of how hot it gets. So maybe start with 15 mins and check and go from there. To know they are ready you'll want to make sure the tops of your muffins are a little brown.
Chocolate Chip Cookies
3/4c earth balance butter
1c packed brown sugar
1/2c white sugar
2tsp egg replacer mixed with 4tbsp water
1c white rice flour
1tbsp Xanthum Gum
2tsp gluten free baking powder
1/2tsp himalayen salt
1c Almond flour
Add in a cup of your favorite chocolate chips and keep the batter away from little fingers :))
Melt the butter and add in your egg replacer, sugars and vanilla. Mix altogether and then add all your dry ingredients. Bake at 350 for 12mins if you are using tablespoon size dropping of batter.
Pray and serve with love!!
Friday, October 22, 2010
I have been dying to find a yummy delcious chocolate cake that is gluten free.
Well here it is. The texture afterwards is a creamy fudge like cake.
It's quick and easy and worth every mouth-watering bite!
Enjoy my friends!!
Quinoa Fudge Cake
2/3 c golden quinoa
1 1/3 c water
1/3 c rice or almond milk
4 lrg eggs (or egg replacer)
1tsp pure vanilla extract
3/4 c butter (I use a dairy and soy free butter found at dad's nutrtion)
1 1/2 c cane sugar
1 c cacao powder
1 1/2tsp baking powder
1/2tsp baking soda
1/2 himalayen salt
Cook the Quinoa in the water. Fluff it up when done
Best idea is to cook Quinoa ahead of time and keep it in your fridge and take it out as you need it.
Preheat your oven to 350.
Grease your pan or line it with some parchment papier.
Now for the goods
Add your milk, egg replacer and vanilla in a blender or food processor. Then add the quinoa and butter and blend away...
Whisk your sugar, cacao, baking powder, baking soda and salt and then add those ingredients to the blender as well.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Monday, October 04, 2010
life is full of colors and change
some days bright, other days grey
some warm and some cold.
Here in the McNaught home we are always experiencing change of some sort. I wish sometimes it were miniscule such as moving a dresser or couch to change the look of a room but we are always hit with something BIG that changes the dynamics in our family lifestyle.
I have always had issues with my health that were going untreated and I was always left with this question mark flashing above my head. Some days it is still flashing. But less and less. Turns out a lot of my issues were due to Celiac disease. It was left undiagnosed for so many years that my small intestine is quite severly damaged that. I cannot tolerate any type of cross contamination. I am on such a strict diet and my body has become so sensitive that I've had to since go on a dairy, egg and soy free diet as well. I LOVE food and trying out recipes and dining out trying a variety of dishes. Now being limited I was relieved to finally know the cause of so many problems I had in the past and to date but bummed because of how rediculously sensitve I've become and limited with what I can eat.
However saying that I also like being limited of what I can and cannot eat. It has forced our family to take a close look at the food and drink we put into our bodies and why we should eat what we do and why we shouldn't eat other types of food but were out of mere convenience.
I am homeschooling my children and we have the luxury of being able to study food closely and experiment with new ingredients in our kitchen on a daily basis. I LOVE how my children are becoming so educated in nutrition and what will keep them healthy so when they are grown adults and leave their safety nest they will walk into the world and be fully prepared.
Thinking I was limited with food when I was diagnosed has since changed.....There is a world of food that I didn't know exsisted and now the fun begins :)
So first big change - our family diet
Second big change - drum rollllllllll please brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I'm so freaking excited about this whenever I think about it or am learning more about it I'm doing a happy dance. My children always wanted to try it out but I was always to busy. Life is a new busy since starting homeschooling. I love seeing what my kids are learning and being able to incorporated life skills into their daily learning. Life is about learning, school work has become funner, we have more time for extracurricular activites and family time and we are becoming closer because of it. They are still very social little people, sometimes too social so that's not even up for arguement it's a misconception....a false fact to be exact. I do have a more compassionate appreciate for teachers out there because they don't have just one or two students it's a class of 30 give or take. They have an extreme amount of work and pressure on their shoulders. I hope that when my children enter back into the school world if they so choose that they too will have a greater admiration for the teacher as well.
Now for 3rd change....
Challenging to say the least.
My kids were hit with the news that their dad is having a baby.
Shocker....not totally. Sickening....yes. Stressful and worrysome....incredibly.
A man that can barely take are of the kids he has now to add another one to the mix has my kids world turned upside down feeling feelings that are totally unfair for their little hearts to deal with. These kids have been through more turmoil because of selfishness and retardness than words can express. Strongest children you'll ever meet, kind, gentle, loving, compassionate and thoughtful hearts of 4 amazing children. I never wanted any of this hurt and harm to my children and as a mama bear I'm so extremely in protective mode when it comes to them. Sometimes I get lost in emotion and am unsure of how to handle the news the kids have had to face. I have to admit it's extremely hard to love another human being that hurts people so easily especially the ones closest to me. It's one thing to have hurt me the way he did but the kids it's a different story. I want to be kind towards him and love him and respect him but I feel pushed over the edge and anger succumbs me. One day....it's a work in progress but it will get there....just need more time. And thats fair to ask for under these circumstances.
Help..... Since exhusband left and how he left it was so traumatic that my brain just had no idea how to handle it. It set off things such as the autoimmune disease and made past events resurface. PTSD. There is a new study that has come out that is supposed to do wonders for the recovery of PTSD and I was accepted into the study. I'm excited to finally get to a point where I may be healed mentally from everything that's happened.
So it is October.....Thanksgiving weekend and my life is doing another complete 360. A change! A change for the better. A mission to work towards a healthier body, mind and soul.
Look out 2011 cuz I'm about to dance my way through another year but this time a dance of renewal :))
Friday, September 03, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
to dream and be still in the moment
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time
and remember what it felt like
Sometimes I wish I could jump
into my painting and feel the color, feel the feeling within the color
Sometimes I wish I could hold
onto the moment a little longer, hold onto my children longer
Sometimes I wish I could cry
and then swim in the river of tears
Sometimes I wish when I close my eyes
that I'd become a butterfly and am fluttering aside a bluebell
Sometimes I wish I was a bird
and I could fly around the world and sprinkle down love
Sometimes I wish I was a fly
on a wall because then maybe I would understand
Sometimes I wish I didn't care
Sometimes I wish I was loved....
actually I wish that all the time
Sometimes I wish
Sometimes I dream
Sometimes I am
Sometimes I am not
Someday it will be
Someday I will be
Sometimes I wish it were now
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Sure we can't think too much into the future and we can only control so much on our own. But we do need to be consciously aware that our actions and decisions in life is what helps to pave the path we are on.
Being honest about our deep desires and not allowing oneself to settle is extremely tough. In the meantime we can become vulnerable and question our own feelings which can play tricks on our heart. But that's a part of growing and a part of life.
So who am I, who have I become and how did I get here....
Well I am me, Carissa: a Christian, a woman, a mother, a friend, a daughter and a sister. It's pretty self explainable on how I became a woman, mother, friend, daughter and sister :)) but how I became a Christian and what that means to me. That I haven't really shared.
When I was delinquent youngster I pretty much turned away from Christ, or tried my best to. I grew up with a pretty solid foundation thanks to my parents. I came from a Catholic upbringing, home and school. When I was going through so much trouble I still found myself praying or writing poetry crying out to God asking for Him to save me. But what I didn't realize at the time is that He was saving me I just had to accept him into my heart. I was laying in bed one day and I am not sure why I had the bible on my night table because at that time I could have cared less about the bible. But it was. I heard this voice inside my head saying loudly...read me read me, just do it c'mon.....it was so loud that I actually cupped my hands over my ears to drown it out but it just got louder. So I looked at "the book" placed it in my hands and just opened it. What book did it fall on.....JOB!!
After that I just felt this desire and passion in my heart to rediscover this Lord and the journey led me to a different church than which I was raised in but what I learned was that Christ was still Christ no matter what denomination I was choosing to visit. That it didn't matter what church or what bible I was reading that it was about the personal relationship I was developing in my own time, in my own home and my own heart. The bible yes as important as it is, not just because it's some book but because it holds the teachings, the word of God. His spirit is within the written scripture. We can't see Him standing in front of us but what we do have is His word and when you have faith in your heart it's not about seeing Him or reading about Him it's feeling Him in your heart, mind and soul.
What I discovered along this journey so far is that there is no greater love that fills your heart than His love and that everything else looks a lot more beautiful and there is more meaning to this thing called life. Every step you take is different and brighter because you realize you are walking towards something so great it's hard to describe how great. I feel blessed to be able to follow in my parents footsteps and teach my children about the Lord and Life and Love.
I have also discovered how broken I am.....stronger than I was but still broken, I still need to be healed. I am not perfect, I have made choices in my life that aren't exactly good, I've been vulgar at times and just simply stepped off the path at times. But I try my best, I try! The Lord has blessed me with a lot of ups and downs, and yes even the downs are a blessing because it's a lesson in which we can either do better or do worse and God hopes we do better but He is there to catch us when we fall or hold our hand and walk forward with us.
With that said, the events in my past that I've experienced have really made me think what can I take from all of that and implement it to my decisionmaking nowadays and what am I worth and ready to settle for. I cannot settle for a life without God first. This journey is too incredible!
I love my family life. It's a gift to me in which I treasure everyday. I would love to share that with someone special one day, when the time is right. In the past I settled for mediocre, for the hope to be loved like I love. I thought oh me and the kids will be fine but things backfired. I wasn't valued, and me and the kids were taken for granted. I refuse to settle for that again.
Recently I thought maybe I had found that. There was sweetness and passion. Things I had never experienced before. But it became lost rather quick, lost in a me me me world which reminded me of just what I came out of. I felt disrespected and taken for granted. I had so much to offer but I felt like it wasn't good enough but then I would feel good enough and swept off my feet to only have that change depending on the day. Relationships have taught me that the only way it can simply work is if you are walking hand in hand and in relationship with Christ. To love unselfishly and always think of how you can make that person happy that day and how you can love that person and not demand or expect, but with that said, it needs to come naturally. What I want for my children is to have a mom that is strong and healthy but sensitive and everloving. When I welcome that person into my life I want them to have a role model, a man of absolute love and zest for life and family and love and just gentle in spirit. Someone who is ready and gets it because Lord knows they don't have that in a manly role currently.
What I have realized is that I don't "need" to be loved because I already am but what I want is to find that true love in a man one day, and be loved. I think it will happen, I'm a romantic at heart and a dreamer. But what I know is you can't go lookin for it, it will find you ;) And I hope it find me in my future.....
Wow, I've managed to ramble on quite a bit. I might have to reread and make sure it all makes sense. Oh well, it just felt good to sit in quiet and write what was weighing on my heart.
Till next time......
Blessings from my heart to yours xo