from the inside....out

What my heart has ached this past year is well best worded by the professionals....."traumatic". How can a mind make any sense out of something so horrible? It can't....simply can't. Recently a few more things happened that...well....just shouldn't have. And after going over in my head what could I have done different, the answer is nothing.


I have had ghosts in my life. Ones I have wanted to face for years. And going through this separation with my husband has helped me to find ways to lay certain things to rest. I have struggled with forgiveness and how to go about it and what boundaries I should have and how much trust to give. I wanted nothing more than to do the right thing, and I never thought for one second that the right thing could turn out to be a horrific thing. And really that goes for everything.


I gave my hand, my heart, my body, my love, my life, and my trust to only have it all shattered, rejected, put down, spat on, torn apart and scarred. How dare these men in my life take me for granted and toy around with every bit of my being. To what, gain some satisfaction in their life, to justify the crap they call "good". To try and convince me that I am a nothing, a nobody, a crazy idiot. To try and convince others of such. The line has been crossed for the last time. How dare you make me feel little, how dare you rob me of love, how dare you tear apart something we worked so hard to create. How dare you put the other one in front of your everything, our everything. But you SOB's can have eachother. You will never ever take another piece of me again, you will never take anymore from my children. You and everyone involved in "your world" have a distorted vision of what respect, and love truly is. I want no part anylonger. You can have eachother because I am done.


It has been almost a year since this shit. I am not taking one ounce of this with me another year. I am done. It's disturbing, chaotic shit and they can have that .....I will allow it no longer. I am turning a new leaf and for those of you that know me you will enjoy the newness with me. I am going to move forward and start a clean path to walk on this year. The church and friends and family I have in my life far outweigh the Aholes. My kids and I are starting a new beginning. This new year is going to be beautiful and full of life and togetherness. I have so many fun things planned for this year and I know, I truly hope our family will shine. We have yet another mountain to climb but this time...any so called "mountain goats" get my my way or the way of my children, let hope they are wearing a nut guard because my steel toed boots are ready!!!!!!


I have been dreading this moment. I have dabbled a few times in saying goodbye to the blogger world but now I have no choice, as well as saying goodbye to so many other things as well. I have decided to take my writings and make something of it......

Thank you all who have supported me and my family through this hell.
Blessings from my heart to yours.