~its raining~

Bird of Summer

I am sitting outside, the sky is pink and blue and the clouds look like all different shapes of birds. There are birds flying circles around me..."tweetly" chirping and it's the prettiest picture attached with most beautiful song.

Reminds me of a tune by A Fine Frenzy....
Playing it and being in this moment right now, everything just seems so magical.

Enjoy!

......
Alright so I know some of you might think this is one heck of a cheesy movie and that's ok. However, I don't :)
I love it. I watch it and it helps me hold onto hope and allows my heart to remember and dream. Why??
Well....truth is... I have a Lorenzo out there. (Throughout this blog to protect his name I will call him "my lorenzo".) A man - a true love I walked away from.
......
The ONLY thing that was not right about our story is the timing. Usually on my account. Actually always on my account. I always seemed to be in moments of brokeness whenever we were together and out of loyalty to my family or feelings of unworthiness I would push him away. Doing that left me feeling more and more broken over the years.
......
I have secretly compared him to every man I have ever met ...which.... is why I am still single. I have loved others but not like I did "him" and I thought well maybe since we've moved on in our lives and years have passed that I could find it out there again. But nope. Instead I'd see qualities he possessed in some men but that would make me miss "my lorenzo" even more and annoyed with whoever I was dating because it still wasn't like how "he" was. I have kept him on a pedestal and no man has ever compared. How do I get past that....or question is Do I even want to...???
......
So where am I at this very moment....
Laying on my patio
Mixing my tears with the rain
Playing 2 songs in particular OVER and OVER
Drifting off to dream
Wondering what it would be like to be "Claire" and seeing her love after 50 years
Remembering sweetly
and realizing how lucky I am to have had a love like that.
Memories of him make me smile and his spirit makes my heart dance.
......
Truth be told
It's better to have loved than to never have loved at all.

Singin a New Song

I've always thought of May as my month of bad luck. This year something changed in my universe. All that I feared was actually teaching me a lesson and I was too stubborn to realize it. As I sat down with my therapist on the 31st of May she brought to my attention at exactly 11:11am that it was my 111th visit. I did what I always do when I see 111's: I made a wish. My wish was for that day to be just a day.... and.... that it was. All of a sudden I had the most loveliest of memories fill my mind. I couldn't believe that for the past however many years I was stuck fearing the worst and remembering the not so good when in all reality so many amazing things happened in May and those memories and the new ones I am making I will hold dear and happily think about.

Now I'm sitting here today on June 2nd. Reflecting and smiling. Three years ago today my sweet little boy was born. We had a huge party and the love that filled our home was above and beyond what I had ever expected. Everyone that either messaged us online, phoned or attended the party has had a huge impact in our lives and just their bit of presence today was and is a special gift...a gift to the heart. The day was complete and made even more perfect after receiving a very unexpected message from someone who has a very special place in my heart. Someone who has walked through every shadow of darkness and every ray of light whether with me or from afar. Just that simple little message had more meaning to it that they will ever know.

My heart is drifting off into another realm - the rain awaits and then I will try this again :)

Thank you to all who made today TODAY!!

I love you

- We love you!

Before I forget here is my new theme song for my new year:

Enjoy!!

http://voiceproject.org/index.php?id=145785511

How The Day Sounds :)