....

If I gave you a penny for my thoughts and how many times I've attempted a posting you would be a millionaire.

I had been having this debate with my mind and my thoughts trying to process the stage of life I was in. Somedays I would just sit and think and if you were to ask me to describe those thoughts the only thing I would be able to mutter from my mouth would be "like.... what the fuck". Nothing was making sense. I felt like the hands of time were being reversed and there I was 16 again, then 17, then 20 then 25. Moments of my past that were furthest from my so-called "happy place" had resurfaced.

I really wasn't sure what it all meant but as I sit here, right now, I understand and I can appreciate that I needed to hit another little bump in the road so I could pick myself up, brush the dirt off my feet and walk again. It felt like I was crawling in the darkness on bruised knees in a pool of my hearts own blood. My insides were crying and screaming begging to be fixed, I was cursing his name dying to understand "WHY" and I just didn't want to understand anymore. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. "Show me a sign I would say....hmm if you are really there than show me a fucking sign". (if you know me I have extreme trouble using the "f" word except under certain circumstances....so I apologize to those that mind find it offensive and harsh but it's literally the only way to properly describe the exact feeling in that moment...and that's it)

He did..... but I was too stubborn and stuck in my emotions that I couldn't hear it or see it. So I kept begging and pleading and then there it was. Driving on the highway as I turned my head to the left to make a lane change I slammed on my breaks (yes in the middle of the highway) amazed by the glorious site I pulled over to the side of the road. Casting Crowns "Who I Am" blasting through my vehicle....the vision.....a perfect rainbow with a perfectly bright shining sun in the middle. Tears poured out uncontrollably and the only words I could mutter at this time were "thank you....i love you too....thank you" The heat from the sun beaming through my window seeped right into my heart and the warmth just melted all the ice that was left lingering and made me feel hopeful.

A new chapter began at that moment!