This Cross

Have you ever had someone stand in front of you and the words you were hearing come from their mouth was like someone standing there with a knife just cutting you over and over.

Once again the week of "interest" has diminished....the week of "respect" is gone. Out the window. I try to move forward and bring happiness into my life and home and immediately he tries to take that away. Using his own guilt to manipulate the situation to concoct some schema to turn the tables and try and put the blame where it doesn't belong.

Tonight both kids finally caught him in the act of lying and called him on it. But supposedly I am pitting them against him. If only we could transform outselves into little flies on the walls. I would offer him the first chance to be on ours. Because I love my kids and because I want to protect my kids I shelter a lot of what's happened from them. I don't want them to know everything, nor should they, they are too little. They know minor details and even that I feel horrible for but in no way am I out to make him look bad in front of these children. He does a perfectly fine job doing that himself. When I try and cover his rear I am now filling the shoes of the liar. Don't worry daddy loves you so much and he misses you so much... I get "ya right if he loved us he would be here, if he missed us he would be here, if he loved our family he would be with you and he would love you and us like he used to. " In most situations it's like the husband left the wife. In this case the husband left the wife and the family. I know he loves these kids however the way he shows he loves and cares is just nonexistent. The true interest is nothing. Yet it's my fault...all my fault.

WHY....why do I let this bother me so friggin much? Well that's where I have a huge fault. I care, I care about what other peoples perception is of me. I don't like to be called a liar or a manipulator or and I feel the need to clear any misconception up asap. I guess that's where I've become just way too open and honest. I hate secrets....I hate lies. I will explain myself till I"m blue in the face to fix misunderstandings. I hate that he calls me a liar, that he says such mean things about me because that's not who I am. And I feel after 8 mths of this and being with him for 7 years that if anything I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

I keep trying to tell myself (and I'm going to reread this sentence over and over until I get it tonight)... He walked out on a beautiful marriage, wife and 4 children, one in which he doesn't know very well. I have my children, I am left with my family...my sweet kids and he can't take our love away from us. If it's not good enough for him and he thinks this lifestyle is the way to be then so be it. She can have him....but hopefully leave us alone!!!!.....and soon!

Again I'm trying to accept this cross and bear it, I truly am but every day it takes so much effort to not just throw in the towel. It's a true test of faith.