Hmmmm'ing

I really should be sleeping right now but I had a coffee thinking I was going to be up all night again with Brady....he's sleeping :)...and I'm on a caffeine high.

My kids have been so sick lately. For over a week my 3 boys were sick at the same time, then Carter got better and Cohen got worse, then Cohen got better and Brady got worse and Brady has stayed sick. I finally took him into the Ped's ER and found out, the little guy does not have asthma he has Bronchopulminary Dysplaysia due to his immature lungs at birth. He also has bronchiolitis and croup both of which are viral and can't be treated with antibiotics. So lots and lots of love and cuddles and hopefully soon...we'll start seeing some improvement so he can have a break. However with BPD he's likely to get sick quite often. We'll be meeting with a pediatrician and I'm looking at a homeopath and naturopath doctor as well. Cohen has had back to back ear infections so he'll also be seeing a specialist to see if he needs tubes in his ears. I am hoping he gets them sooner than later so that this chronic ear infection thing stops and he can also have some rest.

It's made for a very exhausting, emotional rollercoaster month. I have been so tired but I won't begin to complain as I've stayed healthy and I feel so bad for my kids. The healthy ones get less attention because the sick ones just need so much and being one it's hard to dish out equal mommy time. So I look forward to everyone getting healthier so we can get back on track and have some fun and get out of this house................hopefully *fingers crossed*!!!!!!!!!

The past few days, things have started to turn around. I have been able to have Justin around the house for a little extra help. I'm not sure what happened but for the first time in 8 mths I could see a sincere interest in being there for our children. It's a glimpse of the man that he once was. I am afraid of getting my hopes up that this is going to last but for my kids I want them to experience it while it is existing. As hard as it is for me to have my husband around (because of that... he is still my husband....... yet he won't be for much longer:( ) it's what my kids need.

I have been contemplating whether or not to take down the blog...is it the right thing or the wrong thing to do, to publicly journal the truths of my life. And then I realized that that's just it. It's my life, I"m not out to bash Justin whatsoever, just to share what is going on with me and my heart and my family and Justin has played a huge role in the current situation. I'm not out to try and destroy him, I dont' want to make him out to be a horrible man. He's human, a man who has made mistakes. I am not perfect and I have made some terrible choices in my life as well. I wouldn't blog about this stuff if I didn't care so much and love so deeply. I have struggled to find ways to cope with all of this when I"m not in therapy and when my kids go to bed and I"m alone thinking...thinking...thinking.. And blogging has helped so much, to get it out, to make it feel less real, to have the support and prayer from my readers and to just reflect and to learn to be comfortable with the place I am in. That's what this blog is for. I am sorry if ever I offend anyone by sharing what is going on or that I'm doing it for some kind of revenge. Not at all. To be honest I hope that this good co-parenting relationship Justin and I have had the past few days will continue and that I will be able to share all the good things that can come of that. He is a man I loved and still love and he has needed just as much if not more prayer than me. Sometimes I might seem harsh or speak negative about what's going on with him but I wanted to just make it clear that I'm not out to "ruin" anyone. Just trying to find my way............... :)

On that note...my baby is awake.
I will be back as I'm going to try and do this 25 Random Things that everyone is doing. ....unless the caffeine high dies down!!!!