~its raining~

Bird of Summer

I am sitting outside, the sky is pink and blue and the clouds look like all different shapes of birds. There are birds flying circles around me..."tweetly" chirping and it's the prettiest picture attached with most beautiful song.

Reminds me of a tune by A Fine Frenzy....
Playing it and being in this moment right now, everything just seems so magical.

Enjoy!

......
Alright so I know some of you might think this is one heck of a cheesy movie and that's ok. However, I don't :)
I love it. I watch it and it helps me hold onto hope and allows my heart to remember and dream. Why??
Well....truth is... I have a Lorenzo out there. (Throughout this blog to protect his name I will call him "my lorenzo".) A man - a true love I walked away from.
......
The ONLY thing that was not right about our story is the timing. Usually on my account. Actually always on my account. I always seemed to be in moments of brokeness whenever we were together and out of loyalty to my family or feelings of unworthiness I would push him away. Doing that left me feeling more and more broken over the years.
......
I have secretly compared him to every man I have ever met ...which.... is why I am still single. I have loved others but not like I did "him" and I thought well maybe since we've moved on in our lives and years have passed that I could find it out there again. But nope. Instead I'd see qualities he possessed in some men but that would make me miss "my lorenzo" even more and annoyed with whoever I was dating because it still wasn't like how "he" was. I have kept him on a pedestal and no man has ever compared. How do I get past that....or question is Do I even want to...???
......
So where am I at this very moment....
Laying on my patio
Mixing my tears with the rain
Playing 2 songs in particular OVER and OVER
Drifting off to dream
Wondering what it would be like to be "Claire" and seeing her love after 50 years
Remembering sweetly
and realizing how lucky I am to have had a love like that.
Memories of him make me smile and his spirit makes my heart dance.
......
Truth be told
It's better to have loved than to never have loved at all.

Singin a New Song

I've always thought of May as my month of bad luck. This year something changed in my universe. All that I feared was actually teaching me a lesson and I was too stubborn to realize it. As I sat down with my therapist on the 31st of May she brought to my attention at exactly 11:11am that it was my 111th visit. I did what I always do when I see 111's: I made a wish. My wish was for that day to be just a day.... and.... that it was. All of a sudden I had the most loveliest of memories fill my mind. I couldn't believe that for the past however many years I was stuck fearing the worst and remembering the not so good when in all reality so many amazing things happened in May and those memories and the new ones I am making I will hold dear and happily think about.

Now I'm sitting here today on June 2nd. Reflecting and smiling. Three years ago today my sweet little boy was born. We had a huge party and the love that filled our home was above and beyond what I had ever expected. Everyone that either messaged us online, phoned or attended the party has had a huge impact in our lives and just their bit of presence today was and is a special gift...a gift to the heart. The day was complete and made even more perfect after receiving a very unexpected message from someone who has a very special place in my heart. Someone who has walked through every shadow of darkness and every ray of light whether with me or from afar. Just that simple little message had more meaning to it that they will ever know.

My heart is drifting off into another realm - the rain awaits and then I will try this again :)

Thank you to all who made today TODAY!!

I love you

- We love you!

Before I forget here is my new theme song for my new year:

Enjoy!!

http://voiceproject.org/index.php?id=145785511

How The Day Sounds :)

Dreaming

The lyrics to this song are so beautiful and allow me to rest my head and dream.

Lele’s Song
Words and music by Bruno Merz

Far away, ends a summer day.
And the breeze it carries your quiet sigh.

‘Cos you’re tired today, and sleep won’t come,
Pretty bird, why do you hide your head and cry.

Ooh, there is a love that stays now.
Ooh, let it all fly away now.
Ooh, lie awake and you’ll find love waiting.

Little one, how far you’ve come,
Down a path that never was and easy one.
So rest your head, come lay it down.
Hear the wind calling you to fly the moonlit clouds.

Since my divorce I've struggled in the dating world. Some men added to the heartache, some so comical and outright redonkulous I'm laughing just thinking of them (but good laughter I wouldn't change anything about those moments, and some I hold dear to my heart, all in which have taught me to open up my heart
a little more and more. "The One" I have yet to find but I dream he is out there and one day........well.........one day.

Lucy Schwartz - Gravity [Official Music Video]

Starlight Starbright

Laptop

Night Tea

Jammies

Ipod's Heartsongs

And the night sky full of stars just awaiting wishes of all sorts.

May......

It's exactly that....... Dot... Dot... Dot

Since I was 12 years old May has been full of bad luck. This year, tables have turned....so far. We still have a few days left. I'm not focused on the "what if's" like I once was. Now I just give a heartfelt "thanks" for each day I make it through.

One occurence in particular has my heart going a little wonky

May 31st
The day "he" came into my life
As well as the day "he" walked out of my life.

This put the cherry on top of the shit sundae's I had been served May after May.
The difference this year from the ones before is I'm closer to the top of the mountain I've been climbing the last few years.

For the havoc I've given my exhusband for what he put me and my family through and as hurt as I still am, I am thankful. Sometimes the best lessons in life are learned through a time of pain. When I was young I used to dream I could fly. It's become my motto in life. "Live life learning to fly" There is a reason for everything right. Well perhaps my marriage to Justin was for the mere purpose that he was the one to give me the gift of wings in order for me to fly. Without him I wouldn't have gone through the amount of healing I have. My life has changed. My heart has this love and hope and wonder within that had never existed before. So how can I not be thankful. He forced me to live again.

There is a poem that is not only my favorite but has become my signature...
It's by a french poet named Guillaume Apollinaire
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We're afraid."
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We will fall."
"Come to the edge."
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.

Justin pushed me to the edge. I was falling and just as I was about to hit the rock bottom....
I flew.
Now I thank you!
So now I shalt not celebrate the anniversary of the upcoming date with regret but with thanks.
I love him so dearly for giving me this gift....

Always.

Here is my new May theme song.
Come fly with me.....and enjoy................................. <3
Posted above :)

Self Induced Craziness

But good crazy :)

I decided to go on a little road trip with my kids. Originally we were supposed to go to BC however my vehicle has yet to be fixed after a I was rear ended a few months ago. So I didn't think it was a smart idea to drive 18+ hours with a broken tail light. We settled for Regina and I'm so glad we did. We went on an adventure to the Science Center & Imax, Royal Sask Museum, Candy Lane Park, watersliding at the Delta and checked out some Health food stores to see what kind of GF treasures we could find. Driving and entertaining 4 kids on my own in a strange place took it's toll on me. I've been coffee free for a month and a half and not only did I divulge in numerous cups of green tea but also succumbed to the need for coffee and Red Bull. I wish I had the energy my kids have. I need to bottle the energy from all 4 and drink it so I can keep up and not want to fall asleep at the wheel. My kids however were amazing. I mean out-freaking-standing. Best travellers, well behaved and happy. I'm a lucky mama!!

As crazy busy as the trip was so is ever day of our life. Yesterday I didn't stop until 2am and I was up at 7am . I realize sometimes it's good to just sit and be still. This time I'm forced to sit and be still....well as still as I can with the house chores that are a must and the errands that still have to be run so the Guinea Pigs can eat.. etc... I was doing my cardio yesterday and must have pinched a nerve or pulled a muscle or both because I'm not able to stand on it for too long. I was so bummed because well I've been on a pretty hard core Cardio Regime and this has put a dint in it. But obviously I needed that dint so I could just be.

Well tea is steeped and my children are ready to go out for a play so I think sipping on this tasty beverage out on the patio and enjoy the energetic giggles!

Happy and Free

Who would have thought having Celiac and Thyroid Disease would add more joy and adventure to my life.

Sure don't get me wrong I feel like absolute garbage some days but when I'm stuck on the couch feeling ill I grab the computer and search Gfree stuffs or pull out a new cookbook and plan yet another journey into the food world.

With a troublesome thyroid I've been struggling very low iron levels as well. I've been searching for shakes to help add nutrients into my diet as well as my childrens. I have finally narrowed it down to 2 Dairy Free/Gluten Free/Soy Free powders :)

My kids LOVES the Vega Vanilla Chai for flavor which I'm very impressed. I loved it as well. I have been craving Chai Latte's lately but have refrained because they just don't taste the same with rice milk and being lactose free nowadays that would just be bad news. I was tired driving home from Regina last night so I mixed up a shake and got a nice healthy energy boost from it, feeling revitalized and fresh and had my craving met.

As for the Pumpkin Protein, I am sipping on that right now. I mixed it in with a quarter cup of blueberries and just blended it together. My kids didn't like it but I sure do. As for them I mixed it in the pancake batter to make it extra healthy. It's too yummy not to share!

Here ya go:

2 small ripe bananas

1 egg

1tsp vanilla

1/4 safflower oil

1 1/4c coconut milk

1c Bob's Red Mill GF baking mix flour

1tsp baking soda

1tsp baking powder

3 scoops of pumpkin protein powder

2 handfuls of chocolate chips

From my kitchen to yours.......Enjoy :))

....

If I gave you a penny for my thoughts and how many times I've attempted a posting you would be a millionaire.

I had been having this debate with my mind and my thoughts trying to process the stage of life I was in. Somedays I would just sit and think and if you were to ask me to describe those thoughts the only thing I would be able to mutter from my mouth would be "like.... what the fuck". Nothing was making sense. I felt like the hands of time were being reversed and there I was 16 again, then 17, then 20 then 25. Moments of my past that were furthest from my so-called "happy place" had resurfaced.

I really wasn't sure what it all meant but as I sit here, right now, I understand and I can appreciate that I needed to hit another little bump in the road so I could pick myself up, brush the dirt off my feet and walk again. It felt like I was crawling in the darkness on bruised knees in a pool of my hearts own blood. My insides were crying and screaming begging to be fixed, I was cursing his name dying to understand "WHY" and I just didn't want to understand anymore. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. "Show me a sign I would say....hmm if you are really there than show me a fucking sign". (if you know me I have extreme trouble using the "f" word except under certain circumstances....so I apologize to those that mind find it offensive and harsh but it's literally the only way to properly describe the exact feeling in that moment...and that's it)

He did..... but I was too stubborn and stuck in my emotions that I couldn't hear it or see it. So I kept begging and pleading and then there it was. Driving on the highway as I turned my head to the left to make a lane change I slammed on my breaks (yes in the middle of the highway) amazed by the glorious site I pulled over to the side of the road. Casting Crowns "Who I Am" blasting through my vehicle....the vision.....a perfect rainbow with a perfectly bright shining sun in the middle. Tears poured out uncontrollably and the only words I could mutter at this time were "thank you....i love you too....thank you" The heat from the sun beaming through my window seeped right into my heart and the warmth just melted all the ice that was left lingering and made me feel hopeful.

A new chapter began at that moment!

Out with the old in with the new :)

Here is the link along with a write up to describe the very meaning of the day and what it meant to take this photoshoot.

www.organicphotography.ca