My Climb

For those reading this through facebook click on www.jcseitz.blogspot.com ...I have some special music that captures my moment and emotion....
Here goes:

I picture the Lord standing beside us humans as we face the mountains in front of us and gently helping us along. Letting us take the climb but providing that fatherly lift when we just can't anymore.

Lord, You know who I am, yet you love me so. You never let me down you. You allowed me to stand in front of you and scream and curse you, yet you placed your hand on my shoulder and kissed my cheek and said "Daughter I love you. Come with me, I can't guarantee you won't hurt and feel broken at times but when you hold my hand, I will walk you through....even if you don't want to at the time I will never leave you"

A child of Christ I am and am becoming. I came from the gutter and I am not perfect, oh not even close. If I share what I am about to share you will know me, all of me and why accepting yet another cross is now ok...because I know it will be ok. You have seen the heartbreak my kids and I have lived through the past 10 mths but here is the last 14 years in a shrunken version. So you ask, how can I smile during times like these, how can I find happiness during times like these...well this is why.... :)


I was a stubborn, hard shelled little girl. One that thought she knew everything but knew nothing. I was picked on and ostrasized and always a follower. Just wanting to belong. And one day I did. To a troubled boy, who took something from me and scarred a part of me that I'm still blacked out from, which led to suicidal attempts, fights with parents, drugs, drinking, smoking, partying, rape, battling eating disorders, held against my will, being kicked out of my home at 15, living on the streets, in friends basements, at the YWCA, at friends homes, in my car, in and out of councelling centers, a taste of juevenile hall, psych ward to detox, dealing drugs, more men, more parties, hurting my siblings, hurting my family, walked out of highschool, got involved with a very unhealthy man, abusive in every way, had a baby, went into hiding, moved to Toronto engaged to another bad news bear, moved back home, didn't make the best choices while being a single parent, then enrolled myself into college to make a difference, met Justin, lost babies, had surgeries, moved around, had babies, married Justin and well the rest of it you know (if not check out the older posts they are available at the side of the blog:)).

I have attempted to destroy this temple God blessed me with, I have allowed people to walk on me, control me and hurt me, I have managed to do it to myself as well. And why? I don't know, I really don't. But from ALL of this I am finding out who I am, and who God is wanting me to be. "Finding" is the key word. It's a journey.....A climb and I'M CLIMBING!!!

To be honest after Justin left me I didn't know who I was supposed to be anymore. I was so hurt that I lost myself. I allowed him to take that away from me, he thought he was mighty enough to take that part of me and destroy it as he did this family. He continues to try and ruin our happiness, day after day. But the difference if from then to now and after everything is I don't give a flying F@#$ He may have destroyed it but I am blessed with REBUILDING it! Pouring so much love and happiness in the home that it doesn't matter what we come by we can still find something to smile, and laugh about. If I could get through all of the shit from my past I am sure I can get through this and I am. I have been doing it all along just not realizing so. Of course there are going to be more mountains to climb, of course there will be times where shit will hit the fan but I say this with certainty......who cares, it will be ok. It is ok. Our life can be taken from us in a second, people can be ripped away from us in a second but in that second we still lived and have been given the gift to live and for that we embrace it. Embrace the beauty and embrace the ugly. Life is a gift, happiness is a choice, love is a blessing. God is forever, so make Him proud.

I gotta be honest though, this has felt like the worst, not just because of how everything went about but because it forced me to relive the past and question my being and remember where I was and how I got here and everytime I felt like I was standing on my feet I was allowing my husband to shove me down to the ground over and over and over and I felt like I was getting now where until one day I woke up. And God was standing there reaching out to me yelling gracefully "c'mon....what are you waiting for" You have it all, you have your children, your family, your friends, YOU HAVE LIFE....and most importantly YOU HAVE ME!!!!!!!!" "Why say you are searching for love and happiness when you are loved and happiness is within, grip it and feel it and honor it".

This has been brewing in my Saved Box for awhile now, finding the right words. I was talking with a friend about blogging, well actually a few and a few fellow bloggers, why do we blog, what's the point, it's so private, why share. So this is why for me anyways............ It's the TRUTH. Look around you and who is scared to say something honest because of how they might look, say ones life is falling apart and they feel so alone no one to reach out to well....this is a good way to know YOU are not alone. There is a reason why I have been given these experiences, and it's not to bottle it up and hide and be ashamed of it...I once was. I used to be so scared of what I lived through and why it's what happened....express it, reveal it, share it, show the good, the bad and the ugly. If I am great I'll let you know I'm great...If life is the craps well, hey it's the craps. Tomorrow will be better, heck the next 5 minutes will be better. Sometimes I question myself whether or not I've said to much but also it helps me. It's so therapeutic to just GET IT OUT! It's different than a journal, it stays here, in my home, in my drawer, in my circle. Blogging puts it out there, it helps me get rid of the icky feelings and welcome the freshness.

Just thought I would mention...so yeah, thank you again for following my blogs. For helping me, encouraging me, praying for me and my children. We're getting there :)....and it's super cool ;)

What's your miracle?

A definition of a "Miracle":

An event that appears inexplicable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural in origin or an act of God: “Miracles are spontaneous, they cannot be summoned, but come of themselves” (Katherine Anne Porter).

We have all different kinds of miracles. You have the BIG ones like giving birth and the little ones that normally aren't considered miracles like getting to the grocery store safely while driving on slippery roads however when you add all the little ones up they actually turn into ONE BIG miracle. I believe something such as overcoming a fear or a broken heart is one because our human flesh has the natural response to stay in a deadend zone but with God things become ever changing and beautiful.

I was so tired of being in a state of brokeness and now I am so thankful for it. I don't wish it to happen ever again but really I don't know who I would be today without it. I love what is becoming, what I'm discovering, learning, achieving physically, emotionally but most of all spiritually.

So I started making a mental list about all the big and little miracles I have been given in my life. Over the past 10 mths we were praying for a miracle,we were praying for life to become a bit easier and it wasn't until I stopped and thought about everything over the last 10mths have I realized we've been given great miracles.
I was given a gift of a cleaning lady, a family photo shoot, kids showing up on my doorstep to shovel for $20, babysitters on call all the time, an amazing school accomodating our busy schedule (seriously what school does that) I love Prince Philip!!!!! Christian councellors and a christian lawyer, friends and some new ones that are all connected somehow, accepting the apology of "the other woman", moms group, meals, gifts to help lessen the errands, awesome doctors that try and speed things up for the kids, a super dentist that gives deals, a health care nurse that checks in all the time, a car dealership that picks my van up free of charge and gives me a loaner whenever my van even needs an oil change, my friends, family and children, and all the sadness and heartache that I'm overcoming. Everything and everyone God has placed in my life has become a miracle to me.

And the biggest realization of all..............................
is that all these miracles add up to the BIG ONE
which is

LIFE!

So I challenge you to sit and reflect on all the little and big things in your life, happening around you and see how content with life you will become.........I know I am :)

A Miracle Part 2

A miracle within the hearts of these children. A special birthday treat for their daddy and a day to remember by each one of them. I am so thankful to have been able to catch this moment and freeze it for the children to remember.

~*Forever*~

I have been asked few questions lately one of which was who did we use to be. So I thought why not make a memorial post of just that. We used to be happy, so very happy and I think that is something to be proud of and celebrate. I did love our marriage and I love what we created during our marriage and that's what I am taking with me. Our signature was Ben Harper's "Forever" Speaks the truth. Unfortunately our forever ended a little early and the one last gift he gave to me was to be able to spiritually move forward and find that forever again. ;) I had it once and oooh I'll have it again but BIGGER and BETTER!!

So here is a glimpse of what was Carissa and Justin Seitz!

Not talkin' 'bout a year

no not three or four

I don't want that kind of forever

in my life anymore
forever always seems

to be around when it begins

but forever never seems

to be around when it ends

so give me your forever

please your forever

not a day less will do

from you

People spend so much time

every single day

runnin' 'round all over town

givin' their forever away

but no not me

I won't let my forever roam

and now I hope I can find

my forever a home

so give me your forever

please your forever

not a day less will do

from you

Like a handless clock with numbers

an infinite of time

no not the forever found

only in the mind

forever always seems

to be around when things begin

but forever never seems

to be around when things end

so give me your forever

please your forever

not a day less will do
from you

Dearest Daughter

My daughter Emmy, she is of absolute beauty. All my children are but Em is caring a heavy burden in her heart. I've often wondered what it would be like to be in her shoes. She's strong and mature, helpful and loving, yet sensitive and broken.

She pretends like she has the world figured out and to some degree she does. She's had to grow up so fast and it hasn't been fair. But she takes it. And as tough as it is for her to remember her role as being a 10 year old little girl it does get lost in the shuffle of a household of 3 little boys and a single mom.

She is facing such competition between her brothers and her father. I wish he could see just how precious this time is and try and understand what is aching in her heart. Instead it gets dismissed and she gets put back into her place. Standing there feeling more lost and unsure of who she is and who she is supposed to be. Before and after her dad left he put so much devastation in her world and didn't help teach her how to cope, she was just supposed to know that adults are adults and she just has to deal with it. But at 10 how can you. The preteen years where you look at your father like they are your everything, so much admiration. As every age is precious this age is fragile. They are coming into their own and it's so important to make sure we act as we teach for when they enter into the world in a more grown up manner our behaviour hopefully reflects their behaviour. Of course they will pave their own pathway and make there own choices but it's the roots, and firmly grounding those roots for something to think on and fall back on. We were on the road to planting those roots and then they were cut right off from underneath her feet. So I am trying to replant them and every monday, thursday and every second saturday they get cut back a little more. And we have to work that much harder at fixing it but at least it's a positive step.

I think the hardest part about being a parent is being unable to fix "everything". Especially a broken heart. When change is staring at you right in the face but is unwilling it makes being that single parent that much harder and there left is that broken heart.

What am I leaning on to help walk my daughter through this is constant reassurance. Love, faith, patience, perserverance, hope and believing. And knowing. Knowing that only we can bring ourselves the happiness our heart needs to thrive and live by God and God alone. To respect her parents but to follow what she knows is right (hopefully I can continue to overshadow the not so right especially right now) and to love the ability of being able to choose her way and honor it. To pray in times of distress and when she gets that icky feeling in her tummy, to pray in times of contentness and happiness. To trust and believe that even though her earthly father has let her down her heavenly father NEVER will and is right there beside her holding her hand and wiping her tears and smiling at her every step of her way.

I think of years and how many years are actually "left" to make a difference. I only have 2 summers before she's a teen....5.5 years before she will drive and 7 years of summers before she is either graduated or off to college. I hope she stays home for awhile but the point is, 10 years have already passed right by and doing damage control in only a couple years is somethin else.

If I could please ask for prayer for her heart. For her to feel loved and trusted and for her to trust and love herself. For her to lean on her heavenly father while her earthly father isn't emotionally there and for that dad to become the dad this little girl really needs. Amen!

It's Up...

http://www.carissaseitz.blogspot.com

I'll still post on this site as well...hopefully I can keep up :)
Enjoy

Proverbs 4:23

"Above all else, guard your heart,

for it is the wellspring of life."

This verse has brought so much light to my mind and has really made me think and think and think some more........

After reflecting over what's happened the past 9mths, I have come to such a state of contentness and peace and love. Instead of dwelling over the cards I've been dealt I've decided to play the hand I've been given to the best of my ability. I'm so happy, so excited and just ready. More ready than I have ever been. I have the rest of my life ahead of me the lives of 4 beautiful children. My actions need to reflect goodness and goodness is what they will learn and how they will expect to be treated and how they will be expected to treat others, I deserve no less and nor do they.

I'm not looking back, I'm moving forward. I've needed to take the past few weeks and really question myself and my plan for my family and I'm so thrilled I did. I have just really truly and graciously accepted this cross. If the Lord was standing in front of me now asking me what my next step is going to be, will I take this as a burden and fall or will I take it as a gift and stand. Well I have accepted it as a gift and I would not be the person I am today if none of this happened. I've found myself again and I've also been able to really enjoy life amidst all the chaos. I've started to read more, spend more quality time with my kids and my friends and family, I've started painting again (when there is time), cooking and enjoying some wine and writing and recently I was reminded of what it was like to dance again, Oh how I've missed the chacha, and I plan to do more of it!!!!! I have always wanted to dance in the rain, so since spring is approaching I'm going to practice and the first warm rain we have I'll be the "presumed crazy lady" dancing on the streets of Preston Ave ;)

As well I have started a new blog...it's not quite up yet but will be soon. It's to celebrate being a mom and to share the wonders of having 4 children and just us, our new life.

It will be http://www.carissaseitz.blogspot.com/

Hopefully I will have it up and running soon!!

Thank you again for reading and sharing this journey with me.

Blessings to you all,

Carissa

My Vacation...

Ok so maybe at this point in my life taking a holiday outside of my home is a little much... however I was able to pack up my emotions and take a bit of a spiritual vacation. Just like any vacation it had it's moments, more towards the end...a few bumps here and there but for the most part it was lovely.

I was able to finally finish reading The Shack. I recommend it to anyone who hasn't read it yet. But a few key things, Pray before you read it and while you read it. It is a FICTIONAL novel and it can confuse or distort somethings. However I found it helped me reflect on love, life, and forgiveness (the biggest part in the book for me I'd say). Especially with what's been going on in my life. But like any book that has anything to do about the goodness and grace of God, one has to be careful as to not idolize the book, follow the readings as if it's the only truth because....well.....there is only one book for that. So yeah, some things were waaayyy out there and somethings were so graciously written. An interesting read if anything.... I am interested in hearing from anyone else that has read it and what your opinion is.

Another sweet discovery was coming across Matthew 6:26-27 ...with my friend Kristin.

".......Look at the birds! They don't worry about what to eat-they don't need to sow or reap or store up food - for your heavenly father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to Him than they are. Will all your worries add a single moment to your life?"

A reflection I"m going to end with..... :)

This Cross

Have you ever had someone stand in front of you and the words you were hearing come from their mouth was like someone standing there with a knife just cutting you over and over.

Once again the week of "interest" has diminished....the week of "respect" is gone. Out the window. I try to move forward and bring happiness into my life and home and immediately he tries to take that away. Using his own guilt to manipulate the situation to concoct some schema to turn the tables and try and put the blame where it doesn't belong.

Tonight both kids finally caught him in the act of lying and called him on it. But supposedly I am pitting them against him. If only we could transform outselves into little flies on the walls. I would offer him the first chance to be on ours. Because I love my kids and because I want to protect my kids I shelter a lot of what's happened from them. I don't want them to know everything, nor should they, they are too little. They know minor details and even that I feel horrible for but in no way am I out to make him look bad in front of these children. He does a perfectly fine job doing that himself. When I try and cover his rear I am now filling the shoes of the liar. Don't worry daddy loves you so much and he misses you so much... I get "ya right if he loved us he would be here, if he missed us he would be here, if he loved our family he would be with you and he would love you and us like he used to. " In most situations it's like the husband left the wife. In this case the husband left the wife and the family. I know he loves these kids however the way he shows he loves and cares is just nonexistent. The true interest is nothing. Yet it's my fault...all my fault.

WHY....why do I let this bother me so friggin much? Well that's where I have a huge fault. I care, I care about what other peoples perception is of me. I don't like to be called a liar or a manipulator or and I feel the need to clear any misconception up asap. I guess that's where I've become just way too open and honest. I hate secrets....I hate lies. I will explain myself till I"m blue in the face to fix misunderstandings. I hate that he calls me a liar, that he says such mean things about me because that's not who I am. And I feel after 8 mths of this and being with him for 7 years that if anything I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

I keep trying to tell myself (and I'm going to reread this sentence over and over until I get it tonight)... He walked out on a beautiful marriage, wife and 4 children, one in which he doesn't know very well. I have my children, I am left with my family...my sweet kids and he can't take our love away from us. If it's not good enough for him and he thinks this lifestyle is the way to be then so be it. She can have him....but hopefully leave us alone!!!!.....and soon!

Again I'm trying to accept this cross and bear it, I truly am but every day it takes so much effort to not just throw in the towel. It's a true test of faith.

The Name Meme

1.YOUR REAL NAME: Carissa Lyn (McNaught) Seitz

2.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother and fathers middle names) Rose Dean

3.NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother’s dad, father’s dad) Ronald Elwood

4.STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name) Seica

5.DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) Pink Elephant

6.SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, town where you were born) Lyn Saskatoon

7.SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add “THE” to the beginning)The Blue Shirley Temple

8.FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name) Case

9.STREET NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie) Mint Chip Digestive

10 ROCK STAR NAME (pet’s name and street where you live) Stanley Preston

11. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on) Sally Airport (??) Shailey Guelph

12.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle) Carizzle


13.YOUR IRAQI.. NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first two letters of your middle name, last two letters of your first name then last three letters of your last name) Ailysaitz

14.YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets) Black Sadie

15. STRIPPER NAME: (name of favorite perfume and candy)MK Romantic Skittles

The river was high and I was blind

but

Jesus is helping me see and making me feel like I can walk on water

:)

I'm not perfect nor will I pretend to be, however I am determined and motivated. My mom said something to me the other day that really struck a chord.....life is just passing us by. It is....quickly. Before I know it my kids will be all grown up and moved out and I don't want to look back and see how we spent all our time grieving over the loss of some man/father that has no feelings towards us anyways. So why should we. Does it still hurt, yes, it doesn't go away real fast however one learns to cope better and heal. I want to be happy and sha re that happiness, I want to be loved and love and I want to exist. I have learned happiness does not come from another man, I have become very content with my own time and life and knowing that I can manage perfectly fine on my own with 4 children. However it would be lovely to share life with another....one day. For now I know that I am ready. I am ready to move on and take the steps to finally put an end to this madness. My Valentine's gift to myself. I feel so sure and strong as to what I need and want to do. As long as I am I am sure my kids will soon follow. As I believe it's time to let our heavenly father have full control at being the parent, the ultimate provider. More of me letting go of any control over the situation I thought I had and realize I have none. And it's a good feeling to know that I don't and to be honest I'm so excited. The past few days I feel so ready and excited, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. And ya....... it's a woohoo moment :)

Heaven's Mailbox

Awhile ago I started a little thing with my kids to help them feel comfortable with their feelings. They have been struggling with their beliefs in God and who and what is this person we call God. Doesn't seem like he loves us too much or he'd make our daddy come home. Breaks my heart. I tell them, it's not because God is making daddy do this, it's a choice daddy has made and only he can listen to God and change it. So we started writing down our prayers on papers and we slip them into a decorated shoebox we call....."Heaven's Mailbox". In hopes that if we took the feelings from our heart and placed them on paper and mailed them to heaven maybe just maybe one will get answered. Please help me send these prayers up to the heaven's for them. If anything....a little happiness.

Carter..."Dear God, I am sad and I am mad..Amen"
Emily...."Dear God, please help me to get along with my brother. Please help keep us safe during the day and night. Please help my daddy come back home, we miss him and love him. Give him more baby steps toward us. Amen...Emily"
Cohen...."Cohen miss daddy, where daddy go"

I wish I could answer these prayers for them. To stop the hurt. It tears me up inside to hear my kids say they don't feel like they are loved. They talk about how they miss the good days, the days their daddy was home and how sad they are that he isn't here anymore. How much we all miss the good times. But those times are gone and according to Justin, they are gone forever. Too bad, it would have made a wonderful story of a man finding his way back home....the prodigal husband, the human being. But it's not like that. Everyday I have to look at my kids, see their hurt and try not to cry and tell them don't worry everything will be ok, we are still a family and mommy will do her best always. But as hard as they try....it's not good enough.

Kids do not deserve this. Divorce is such a selfish selfish act. I dont' care what the circumstance, marriage should be of great importance, it's a committment, it's a privilege, a reminder that we are to reflect God's love to the other human being...remind them everyday by acting the way God would act. In love! But nope, very seldom is it like that. Which is Horsedung if you ask me. Who suffers, the one left broken hearted and the children. All a child wants is for happy parents, loving parents and a good life. Sure everyone is going to have their own type of pain however as parents we shouldn't go about and deliberately create it. We are supposed to protect them not expose them. Teach them strength, courage, determination, love, compassion, , and committment
How can you teach them strength when you are weak, courage when you're a coward, determination when you give up, love when you hate, compassion when you don't feel, and committment............ when you divorce.

#19

Oh I have to clarify.....#19....I don't want to date the C95 Bachelor....he's is my cousin...that is gross. I want to date the TV bachelor haha, the cute single dad, yum. I am crazily addicted to that Monday night show. I hate missing a single second of the episodes :)

Hmmmm'ing

I really should be sleeping right now but I had a coffee thinking I was going to be up all night again with Brady....he's sleeping :)...and I'm on a caffeine high.

My kids have been so sick lately. For over a week my 3 boys were sick at the same time, then Carter got better and Cohen got worse, then Cohen got better and Brady got worse and Brady has stayed sick. I finally took him into the Ped's ER and found out, the little guy does not have asthma he has Bronchopulminary Dysplaysia due to his immature lungs at birth. He also has bronchiolitis and croup both of which are viral and can't be treated with antibiotics. So lots and lots of love and cuddles and hopefully soon...we'll start seeing some improvement so he can have a break. However with BPD he's likely to get sick quite often. We'll be meeting with a pediatrician and I'm looking at a homeopath and naturopath doctor as well. Cohen has had back to back ear infections so he'll also be seeing a specialist to see if he needs tubes in his ears. I am hoping he gets them sooner than later so that this chronic ear infection thing stops and he can also have some rest.

It's made for a very exhausting, emotional rollercoaster month. I have been so tired but I won't begin to complain as I've stayed healthy and I feel so bad for my kids. The healthy ones get less attention because the sick ones just need so much and being one it's hard to dish out equal mommy time. So I look forward to everyone getting healthier so we can get back on track and have some fun and get out of this house................hopefully *fingers crossed*!!!!!!!!!

The past few days, things have started to turn around. I have been able to have Justin around the house for a little extra help. I'm not sure what happened but for the first time in 8 mths I could see a sincere interest in being there for our children. It's a glimpse of the man that he once was. I am afraid of getting my hopes up that this is going to last but for my kids I want them to experience it while it is existing. As hard as it is for me to have my husband around (because of that... he is still my husband....... yet he won't be for much longer:( ) it's what my kids need.

I have been contemplating whether or not to take down the blog...is it the right thing or the wrong thing to do, to publicly journal the truths of my life. And then I realized that that's just it. It's my life, I"m not out to bash Justin whatsoever, just to share what is going on with me and my heart and my family and Justin has played a huge role in the current situation. I'm not out to try and destroy him, I dont' want to make him out to be a horrible man. He's human, a man who has made mistakes. I am not perfect and I have made some terrible choices in my life as well. I wouldn't blog about this stuff if I didn't care so much and love so deeply. I have struggled to find ways to cope with all of this when I"m not in therapy and when my kids go to bed and I"m alone thinking...thinking...thinking.. And blogging has helped so much, to get it out, to make it feel less real, to have the support and prayer from my readers and to just reflect and to learn to be comfortable with the place I am in. That's what this blog is for. I am sorry if ever I offend anyone by sharing what is going on or that I'm doing it for some kind of revenge. Not at all. To be honest I hope that this good co-parenting relationship Justin and I have had the past few days will continue and that I will be able to share all the good things that can come of that. He is a man I loved and still love and he has needed just as much if not more prayer than me. Sometimes I might seem harsh or speak negative about what's going on with him but I wanted to just make it clear that I'm not out to "ruin" anyone. Just trying to find my way............... :)

On that note...my baby is awake.
I will be back as I'm going to try and do this 25 Random Things that everyone is doing. ....unless the caffeine high dies down!!!!

25 Random Things About Me

A Facebook thing:

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you



1. I'm a night owl. I wish I could go to sleep early and wake up early and enjoy it but I don't. I wish I slept, but I don't.

2. I have to eat my munchies in three different parts. First comes the salty snack, then the chocolate and then the gummies. It almost always has to be in that order. I can't just eat something salty and then not eat chocolate or gummies....it will literally stress me out.

3. I miss BC and wish I still lived there. I love Saskatoon but it has always brought our family bad luck. I especially miss Naramata, I love it there and one day I hope to move back.

4. I talk to God all day. Every thought I have is a prayer, it's just become so natural over the last few years. I love this spiritual journey I'm on yet it frustrates me at the same time.

5. I'm not afraid to share or talk about anything pertaining to my life. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a more private person but it just doesn't seem to work out that way.

6. I used to hate reading, now I love it. I'm a huge Sophie Kinsella fan. The Shopaholic series made me laugh out loud. I am painfully waiting for another book of hers to hit the shelves.

7. I hate the word Divorce, I hate everything about divorce. It disturbs me how people give up on their marriage vows so quickly these days. Even though I am in the process of getting a divorce I hate every single second of it and wish it would have never come to this and wish that I could just stay married forever, not just because I hate divorce but also because I've never loved anyone else so much in my life.

8. I keep everything the kids do at school....even newsletters.

9. I have finally broken my bad habit of watching As The World Turns. If I was out and about and the show was about to start I would drop everything to return home and watch it. I have been clean and sober of consistent soap watching for almost a year now.

10. I am extremely overprotective when it comes to my kids. I love having them close by at all times. I wish I could homeschool them so they didn't have to leave for 6.5 hrs a day. Yet I don't think I'm smart enough to educate my children properly.

11. I love everything about being a mom. I truly do. I love the trials and triumphs, the tears and smiles, the laughter and discipline. I have the greatest kids in the world!!

12. I eventually want to have a career as a councellor. But not until all my children are in school full time and well....after I sort out my own troubles.

13. I am extremely fearful of rejection, even from strangers. I have always felt like I was never good enough and I feel like I constantly let my family down.

14. When i get looked at the wrong way or talked to in an annoyed tone I instantly want to cry.

15. I am scared of dying. I am scared of leaving my children behind. I'm scared of my kids dying and any other family member. I haven't gotten over the death of my grandpa. I don't like the feeling of grieving over the loss of a loved one. I wish people didn't have to die.

16. I love Will Smith, he's like my chocolate fantasy, when I feel sad I will put in one of his movies. He's like my prozac......as well as Ryan Gosling in The Notebook!

17. I love kit kat chocolate bars.

18. I could drink wine ALL day long but I don't.

19. I want to date the bachelor. He's so dreamy. I think once my divorce is final I should be the next C95 bachelorette, I think I need help screening future dates.

20. I love grocery shopping. I never go with a list I like making it up as I go along. It is the place I like to go to for fun. I have trouble keeping my trips short, I could easily spend a couple hours in a Sobeye's or any grocery store for that matter. I love browsing, looking at new products and finding cool things to make for snacks and dinner. I love finding things to cook for my family.

21. I don't like to drive, I love car rides and being the passenger but I hate driving the car myself.

22. My favorite flower is a bluebell. One of the best gifts I ever got was when my Grandma went to Germany and bluebells were in season and she picked some and pressed then and brought them back to me as a souvenier.

23. I think the nintendo wii is one of the coolest things ever invented.

24. I have to make my bed. I wont' go to bed at night until my bed is made, even if I have to make it quick just to unmake it and sleep in it. Weird I know!

25. I love the smell of new shoes, however I rarely buy them

i'm trying..............

to just be!


I wish it were easy. Oh how I pray everyday for the strength, the peace, the guidance, comfort and love and the will to just let it all go and trust in Him, the only One that can and will and do.


I have been trying to just be. To be ok with where I am. To know that I am loved to know that I am accepted and respected...by my children, by friends, by family, and by the Lord. What I am trying to understand is Why and How does it hurt so much to know is how I let one man, one Justin Seitz bother me so much. I feel like after what he has done and what he continues to do I should not even want his name to cross my mind but it crosses it and I feel my heart break each time.


It all still seems so surreal, like this is all just a bad dream. A dream I want to wake up from and not ever go back to. But in reality it's when I dream that I have a break from it all. When I wake up it's still there. I was searching for answers, truths and now that I have them in one way it's been so helpful, a step forward that I was able to take in the healing process but also a step back with more questions of why and how. How could a man I loved so much and trusted with my everything, that was my best friend, how could he trick me so easily. How can he continue to lie and treat me with such distaste and hatred. How can he forget his children the way he does. How can he talk about me like I'm some kind of troll, when he said he loved me so much and we were so happy, why wouldn't he be proud of that and honor that and not walk around talking trash. How? Why? To justify his behaviour, to feed his narcissism, to make himself feel like he's doing right. To trick more women, does he get a kick out of hurting others, is it a game, is it fun to make someone feel like they are nothing. After he ended things with the last woman I was really hoping that that would be it, but nope. Who knows how many others there have been but what I do know is that there is one. One woman. I don't know if what I did was right but impulsively I caved. When I heard who she was I emailed this woman thinking maybe if I approach her in a way of concern (which I am) that hearing from another woman would open her eyes and she would start to see Justin for who he is. But nope....I think instead it pushed them closer together. Then I realized I can't reach her, no one but God can redirect this situation. No email in the world. See when there is another woman in Justin's life he can't focus on anything but that. It doesn't matter that he has 4 children or what those children are doing or feeling. It makes me sad, sad for them, angry and frustrated that I just have to sit and be quiet. I have tried to dish out some sarcasm, finally trying to reach him at one point because he seems to listen to sarcasm but even that didn't matter. So now I say nothing. I do nothing.

I want so much for all of this to go away. I want to be over this and to move on and to give my kids my utmost happiness and enjoyment and not have this crap in the back of my mind all the time. I hate moments like this where I feel completely overwhelmed with thought he's out there thinking he's got it all, when really all he has is job and this woman. When in all reality and what I need to focus more on is that that's nothing. Jobs come and go and the flavor of the week always changes. What I've come to realize even when my kids are sick and we're running around to appointment after appointment, struggling with dishing out medicines or discipline, sleepless nights, diaper change after diaper change, attitudes, tears, sibling fights, toys to pick up, up early, up late, more messes to clean up, laundry piling these are joys...things I GET TO DO!!!!! And I am loving every second of it even when I'm stressed to the max because I am here....I am here everyday and I have been given the gift and the chance to have my children all to myself. I wouldn't change places with Justin in a heartbeat. Aside from those little things, I get so many I love you's that I can't keep track, smile after smile, hugs, kisses, stories, playtime, pictures, cuddles in movies, more hugs, I get to teach them right from wrong, help them be somebody, kiss their booboo's, wipe their tears, brush their teeth and their hair, buy them treats and toys and watch them light up, eat dinner with them, pray with them, see their excitement, meet their friends, have snacks with them, tend to their every need, nurse them back to health, experience their everythings and that is the biggest blessing out of this whole mess. I get to be a mommy and I get to be loved every second of every day by these precious little people. They make me excited for where I need to be a minute from now. I want these thoughts to be my every thought, nomore of this foolish foolish ungreatful person. No more trying to convince him of what he's missing out on because he doesn't give a hoot anyways with every breath and every once of love I waste on that man, is a breath I just wasted for myself and my kids. Time to put it back where it belongs, give my kids that little extra bit of me!!!

I started writing this post feeling low and now as I finish off I'm realizing just what I need to be thinking about at this very moment. To my readers, thank you. Thank you for allowing this to be a safe place for me to vent and share especially when I have these moments of highs and lows. Hopefully my stories and my feelings will be of more happy joyful things and no more sadness. Still my goal for 2009.....good thing it's only January. I have a lot of time to make sure this year rocks!!!
Blessings..... ;0)

Well...Well...

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
- Abraham Lincoln

I think that quote sums up exactly how I feel.

Happy New Year!!

Wow....2009!!

To start the New Year off.....I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:)
I miss blogging. To be honest it's very therepeutic for me. Even if no one reads it. I'm not here to bash anyone (even though sometimes it might come across that way...or be a whiner or cry baby...I"m here to be real, and open and be free in thought. There is a lot going on in my life, a lot of heart ache yet and yet a lot of great things are also happening. Maybe expressing things in blogger world will help me not feel so alone at times.

Tonight was blessed and broken all at the same time.
Blessed being...I got to ring in the new year the best way possible. My 4 little ones and me, pizza, munchies, icecream, Wall-e, skip bo and the countdown and prayer. Cohen didn't last, he went to sleep long before the countdown, Brady....well Brady never sleeps so he's always in party mode. Carter and Emily, they couldn't believe I let them stay up to midnight. Hillariously trying to understand how it could possible be "next year". *(Brady is sitting beside me in bed blowing spit bubbles at me...now I remember how difficult blogging can be at times :))* I am excited to see what new cute little things my children will share with me this new year.

As for brokeness...that is something I'm working very hard to overcome. This chain of events with Justin has been the hardest thing I think I've ever had to go through. It should be easy to let go of someone who is so hurtful and cruel day after day however as easy as it is to think so it's harder to do so. Lately his focus has been off of the kids completely. He is there for his 2 hour visit and that's about it. The kids are suffering once again. After his last relationship ended he was starting to do right by his kids making them somewhat a priority...a work in progress and it was nice to see, but now that there is someone new he could care less about hurting the family around him. New Years was always big for us. We usually spent it with our friend Eric and Kristin and always with our children playing games, having tons of fun and prayin in the new year. Something Justin held dear, so this time it was hard knowing he was out partying and sharing that midnight kiss with someone else missing out on his kids enjoyment. This is what I'm working on trying to get over. I've never wanted my family torn apart and that's a stab wound that is not healing as fast as I would like but what can I do but leave all of this in the Lord's hands and know we'll be taken care of either way. It's hard dealing with his selfishness day in and day out, hearing over and over again how he faked being happy (which I truly don't buy but doesn't make it any easier to hear) and I just have to start saying to myself, he doesn't deserve us. I have finally figured out the real reason why he left us and it's not that he didn't love me anymore it's that he couldn't handle keeping it together back in saskatoon...too much distraction, he missed being a bachelor and having a life of no responsibility, and well with our family because of it's size it's busy and he just couldn't take it anymore. If that wasn't the case he would be here helping as much as possible, bring his baby up knowing who his daddy is but he isn't. He's turning out to be nothing but a stranger to us all.

So my new years resolution is to move forward, continue letting go and letting God. To work on finding forgiveness and happiness especially in the lonely times. To be the best mom I can possibly be. To have less weak moments and continue on the path of healing. I know it won't be easy and I have to be still and patient knowing all will come in due time but I'm willing to do the work and blog my way through it, the good the bad and the ugly. Laughter and tears I will make it my everything to be free from all of this and give my children nothing but the best!!

Wow, where does the time go. Sometimes signing into blogger depresses me a bit because 1) I haven't had much time to write 2) I used to write such happy wonderful things about my family and since Justin's been gone some things are just too hard to write about 3) I see the lilypie clocks on the sidebar and realize how big my kids are getting and how fast the baby is growing. Which I mean indeed are all good things but ughhh seriously time is just going by a little too fast.



We have had a very very busy few weeks. Proof of that would be my laundry that is piled sky high...literally!! I did take a break for a day and had a cleaner come in however she provided more entertainment than anything. We've had some illnesses run through the house and at one point all 4 of my sweeties were sick. Soon after that my younger two babies were diagnosed with Asthma. All my boys are on puffers now. Brady... well we're hoping it's asthma and that the meds help clear up his symptoms because the doctors other option is bronchopulmonary dysplesia...yeah we don't want that. Asthma isn't great but I would choose that than the other.



Halloween was a ton of fun. We have sooo much candy (love it!!)...especially since I can't run out for midnight snack runs. This weekend I finally got to get out and have a little fun, not entirely on my own as I was accompanied by a very cute little man as my date.......he did cry ALOT so we had to cut the evening a little short but it was still so nice. It was just so cool to finally go out and hang out with my lovely sister and just have fun. I can't wait to do it again on Thursday....yeah BSB FOR LIFE!!!!!!




Aside from being physically busy it's been let's just say emotionally busy as well. I can't even go into explaining the ridiculousness the past few weeks. All I can say is this. I've had it with people who are so extremely selfish and who view the sacrament of marriage as a spoof. Seldom honor the Lord, vows are taken as a joke, people are taken for granted and others lives are just of no importance. It's ME ME ME world and it just disgusts me. However on the flip side I have realized that I need to just step back and focus on God a lot more. Matthew 14: Peter's Prayer is well...exactly how I've felt. I have been Peter looking around focusing on the storm happening around me instead of looking right in front of me and taking Jesus' hand and walking on the water with Him. I'm trying and it's a work in progress to be focused and actually as soon as I was feeling super focused... pow bam bang..... all of a sudden a person from my past just pops up completely unexpected. TOTALLY in a state of shock still. However feelings of fear and worry are slowly turning into feelings of peace and closure. Once I actually process what has happened this past week I will make a new posting but as for now.....I gotta look straight ahead.



Here are some timbits of what's happening for my little ones.



Brady is now 5mths...AHH. Yes 5 mths. I still consider him well 4 mths and well he is a baby baby and taking his sweet time which I just love. He's so in love with his toes, his feeties are always slobbery. He has started making strange and is still refusing the bottle. He's so happy and cuddly. His little asthma puffer is so tiny and I get choked up everytime I give it to him. :(



Cohen is well silly as always. He is talking more and more and coming up with words I didn't even know I could say ;) He is still so passionate about sports and well....he lives and breaths it. I have a heck of a time getting on his winter coat because he would rather wear the jacket he calls the basketball jacket even though there are no balls on it. The other day we were at playland having lunch and he decided to flash everyone. Walked in pulled down his pants lifted up his shirt and showed everyone his lovely diaper, then giggled and ran off to play.



Carter is becoming quite the little scholar. His reading and writing are coming along so nicely. He's been hurting a lot lately however the way he expresses himself is amazing. He's really starting to help me a lot more around the home which is nice for me and for Emily. His little best friend Olivia has been helping him and spending a lot of time with him which I'm so grateful for. They are just soooo cute together and just click, they don't have to fight about what to play and just get along always. He loves having a best friend again.



Emily....oh my sweet girl. She is turning 10. DOUBLE DIGITS. Oy. Thursday I am taking her to her first real concert and then Saturday she is having a pool party with her friends and Monday for her actual day we'll have some family time with cake and good food and quality time. She has been just absolutely broken these past 5mths and to see such a little girl deal with sooo much pain is just unbearable. But she still amidst her own tragedy finds time to help me out and spend time with her brothers and still just be a kid. Which is why I am excited to buy her more dolly's and pet shop and polly pockets and barbies for birthdays' and Christmas. Preserve it as long as possible.



Well that's it for me. I've been just pooped lately and it's time to go and get some rest especially before Brady wakes up for his feeding.



Thank you for the support and prayers today and everyday and may God bless every minute from this moment forward.



Even though I don't write much I love you all who stick with me and patiently wait for my next post.

A little bit about us.....

I have to say I've had my moments of weakness and strength but my pure joy comes from the 4 sweetest little people I know.

Emily
My beauty. She is the kindest most thoughtful little girl I've ever met. She has just been the best helper. For a sister to be kind to her brothers is pretty tough most days but she's doing pretty good. It's so sweet to see Carter ask her questions about school and friends, Cohen asks for hugs and kisses and Brady well he just loves her cuddles. And I love her heart. She knows when I'm happy or sad and I feel so bad at times when she can see the hurt in my eyes and as hard as I try to hide it she sees right through me. So she'll help clean up the kitchen or make me a card or sing songs with the babies and tell me funny stories...anything to brighten up the day.
School is good, she is making such cute little friends. I am so happy with their play time. She finally gets to play house or barbies or anything that a 9 year old girl should be playing.

Carter
My super learner. A month ago he could barely read or write. Now he sits down with a paper and pen and it just flows. Some words like "have to" for instance come out as hafto. But it's perfect. He's just my cuddle bug lately. Hugs, hugs and more hugs. He's been struggling more so emotionally lately but on the flip side he just knows how to joke around and make us all laugh. He's loving school. finally being able to stay ALL day is just the best thing in the world to him. His favorite thing is homework, loves loves the homework. For now anyways. I sure hope he still loves it in grade 8. He starts the "puppet troupe" next Tuesday which he is really looking forward to. It's learning how to work puppets and doing little skits and games. For him to be a part of something finally is just the world to him.

Cohen
Oh what to say about Cohen. Cohen is Cohen. He is like a mirror image personality wise of my Granpa Corky. His laughter lives on in my little man. He always has a smile, always giggles and is ALWAYS getting into something. He is so affectionate yet rough. One minute you get a kiss the next minute you get a pankin. I have to include theee funniest picture of all. I have two actually. I have one of him wearing his tool time goggles and the other well lets just say the pictures speaks for itself.


My Boo,
Brady.
Sweet sweet little baby. He's such a little dose of honey. I think because he is my last baby I have babyed him a ltitle too much. He has a bit of separation anxiety, ok....a lot!!. I move away from him too quick and he cries. He could live in his cuddlywrap if I didn't have to breastfeed him a hundred times a day. I should actually count just how much he does feed. but I like it, these days doesn't last forever so I'm trying to embrace them while I have them. He is 4mths now and the past 4 mths have just gone by so fast that usually I go by his corrected age at 11 wks instead of 16 wks. He is more like an 11wk old baby which is nice. I just love that he's taking his time and not rushing too much. He giggles now and coo's all the time. I love it.

Right O

Yesterday my Grandpa went home to the heavens. I am really not too sure as to what to say but that I miss him so much. I was hoping that writing my thoughts would make me feel better but they don't. I feel sad and mad and at the end of my rope. I don't want to lose anymore important people in my life. First my husband and my marriage and now my dear grandpa.

He was a wonderful man. Truly, he had no regrets nor should he. He lived an amazing 79 years and a loving 58 with my grandma. (Bless her heart). All he did was laugh. Literally, he laughed at everything, even simply saying hello on the phone made him chuckle. Hugs and kisses we were never short of and time with him was quality time. The memories I have will be held precious in my heart for always.

I just hope my grandma will be ok. She keeps saying to me well dear now I am in the same boat as you but without 4 children. But at least she had a man that loved her dearly and that nothing in their life except death could tear them apart. And it really didn't tear them apart just distanced them for the time being.

Grandpa we love you and you will be forever loved...... and he would say Right O.